Why don’t Mormons drink alcohol?


Magic underwear, magical thinking

Okay, so you guys know I’m a Canadian bear, but I still like to keep an eye on Mitt Romney and other nutty characters with grandiose visions of themselves in government. You don’t want to mess with magic underpants, especially when they exhibit skid marks. Speaking in Virginia yesterday, Romney revealed just such a brown stain when he said that students should get “as much education as they can afford.”

This while Romney:

  • supports cuts to grant money for education
  • supports undoing student loan reforms
  • takes heavy campaign donations from profiteering colleges
  • advises students to simply borrow money from their parents, “shop around” for education, or join the military if they can’t pay for college

Here’s another suggestion—one that might warm Romney’s cockles:

Get a free education from a creationist college.

Yes! If you’re willing to hunker down for some oxymoronic tutelage, you too can emerge from your years of schooling with something almost like a degree. In what, you ask? Well, read on:

How about Christian Ethics? (Note that these differ from non-Christian ethics, which endorse rape, pillage, murder, etc.)

How about Mind Manipulation? Learn the dangers of exposing yourself to outside information such as science. Manipulators are everywhere! Says the online brochure from Trinity Graduate School of Theology:

“Methods of desensitization are used in repeated exposure of immorality through television programs and commercials. Repeated lies are being told to convince Christians that those things that are right are now to be perceive as wrong and what is wrong should be accepted, by shifting values.”

I didn’t want to be a dick and edit the typos. This is, after all, a site of higher learning, so who am I to correct it? But doesn’t the program sound appealing? Wouldn’t you like to learn how to navigate through hazardous modern temptations?

And, for those returning to school after having families, there’s Parenting. Here’s a snippet from the curriculum:

“The internet is another source that teaches pornography, teaching of the suicide, drug addicts’ etc. parents could ask computer specialists who could help to hide sites on the internet not to be viewed by children or avoid them from being downloaded.”

I love that this college is savvy about porn (and really, what religious nutjob isn’t?). Too bad the college can’t seem to hire an editor…but that would cost money, and then it probably couldn’t afford to give away free education.

Now, this is all very well, but what if you want to study science? Creationist schools have that covered. AiG, for example, “teaches that ‘facts’ don’t speak for themselves, but must be interpreted…the Bible offers the best explanation of the world’s geology, anthropology, and astronomy.” Thus, the Grand Canyon’s many strata do not represent long time periods but rather extremely (!) accelerated periods of celestially assisted erosion. Likewise, a satisfactory wealth of transitional fossils will never be found, even while evolutionary biologists like Richard Dawkins wave them in the faces of creationists who insist they do not exist (“la, la, la, I can’t hear you!”).  And finally, the astronomy section’s large FAQ section explains why the earth is indeed truly the “spiritual center of the universe.”

Sounds good to me. Creationist colleges everywhere offer great deals ranging from free to cheap. Even those that charge a bundle are a bargain compared to most mainstream colleges. Sure, you’ll get spat out without a chance of competing against Ivy Leaguers in the work force. But at least you won’t go to hell.*

*Hell might very well be a place on earth. On this, Day Five of the Involuntary Dry-Out, I begin to understand it a little.

7 Habits of Highly Inebriated People

It’s been a weird week getting used to my dad being out all day. When he was self-employed, my dad used to do a lot of work at home, and I would often sit beside him suggesting we mix a drink. But now he’s joined the Monday-to-Friday crowd and left me to my own devices.

No complaints, though, because I figure that along with that first regular paycheque, the liquor train will roll in as well. We are going to get wasted, people. I can’t imagine my dad wouldn’t take that cheque and blow it all at the liquor store.

But I kind of miss having my dad around. He’s pretty easy-going and he often finds interesting music. He found this, for instance.

But missing my dad is worth it if his new job will finance a fresh supply of TANQUERAY and BACARDI 151. I want him to succeed! But I wonder if he embodies the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? OMG, I don’t even know what they are! Have you heard of them, my fellow inebriates?

It’s hard for me to really figure out what things like this mean (I can’t stand right now), but I’ll do my best. I figure my dad’s got the habits…but do I???

  1. BE PROACTIVE. Yes! If BROKER’S GIN isn’t available at your liquor store, contact them and find out why not. Next thing you know, you’ll have struck up a delightful relationship with their Business Development Manager Julia Gale, and Martin Dawson will give you a reassuring phone call. Check.
  2. BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. A couple of weeks ago my dad came home with a sampler set from Unibroue, the Quebeçois brewer of the famous TROIS PISTOLES. Of the four beers in the set, TROIS PISTOLES was the standout, whereas the others were a bit of a chore to get through. But we were committed to finishing it, even if it meant experiencing a weird fruity and slightly musky taste every single day. Check.

    Ever been to Utah?

  3. PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST. I hope my dad understands this one, because I don’t get it at all. What things are first? What things should be first? Should I start with the Malibu or the wormy mescale? Calm down, LB… Okay. We need to have lighter things first, then progress to the hard stuff. First something sparkly: STRONGBOW APPLE CIDER. Then something weightier: CALIFORNIA CULT CLASSICS CHARDONNAY (2010). But then we have a dilemma. It’s no problem moving up to a higher alcohol content. But we can’t backtrack to a wine that doesn’t measure up to the chardonnay. Let’s do ROLF BINDER HALES BAROSSA VALLEY SHIRAZ (2007). And before passing out, a wee dram: GLENFARCLAS 17. Ahhhh!!! Highly effective.
  4. THINK WIN-WIN. If I drink the whole bottle and you get none of it, well, you won’t bring another bottle over, will you? And Christine, if you’re reading this, you have a standing invitation to share your TALISKER 18. I’ll trade you some Malibu. You know I’m good for it. 😉
  5. SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD. Oh come on, what drunk ever grasped this concept? Next.
  6. SYNERGIZE. Two heads are better than one, especially when you don’t have any brain cells.
  7. SHARPEN THE SAW. Holy crap, what the hell does that mean?! OMG, Covey means take care of your body and mind! Eat healthfully! Rest! Socialize meaningfully! Expand your spiritual side! Yikes!

I don’t know about my dad, but this is where Covey and I part ways. He obviously doesn’t endorse a dissolute life, nor would he endorse single-minded pursuit of liquor. Who is this guy anyway?

Did you know he comes from Utah? Yes, peeps, he is one of the most famous and successful Mormons in history.

My favorite thing about Mormonism is the magic underwear. Maybe, if we all had magic underwear, we’d be better people.

Still, reading the 7 Habits has made me feel a little conflicted. I totally want my dad to succeed; we need that liquor money to keep flowing. But I don’t want to picture him in his ginch, magic or otherwise. So should I tell him about the 7 Habits?