Speak moistly and carry a big mask

My fellow inebriates,

I’m all for speaking moistly during non-pandemic times. Being as absorbent as a bar rag, I’m often moist (well, damp). But our prime minister urging everyone not to speak moistly this morning? That was a treat.

Reactions on Twitter were immediate and largely positive. The moment was downright humanizing. But still, we had to make sense of it. Here’s our attempt.

D2007 MOIST

Liquor sales trend upwards along with COVID-19

My fellow inebriates,

BC’s government has included booze stores on its list of essential services and it seems shoppers agree. Booze sales are up 40% since the COVID-19 crisis began.

Not only that—buying patterns have changed.

 

D2003 liquor sales trends

Bigger is better these days.

Fortunately there’s plenty of booze on the shelves, so we’re not seeing toilet-paper-style fights. But there’s a slight air of panic in my local booze store as we customers position ourselves two metres apart and transact through a plexiglass shield. No wonder we feel like drinking.

Mom shaming on social media—and how to respond to it

My fellow inebriates,

My Auntie H (who doesn’t know I call her that) alerted us to some mom-shaming that’s cropped up thanks to the COVID-19 crisis. Here’s what one of her friends* posted on Facebook:

My daughter thinks she’s the only kid who has to do schoolwork today. She worked from 9:00 to 3:00 … certainly not unreasonable, right? I had her do reading, French, an online art class, some educational videos, and then music practice. Please share what you’re doing 😉

Auntie H texted this piece of virtue-signalling to my mother, who texted back:

I worked all day. The kids did f*** all. You should burn that woman’s house down.

You see, my mother has been seething since Auntie H sent this message. My parents are working from home, full-time, deluged by conference calls, struggling to stay focused, while around them the house gets steadily messier and more chaotic. The kids, you can be sure, are not watching chemistry videos or doing duolingo Spanish. Maybe they should be, but my parents have no capacity to both work full-time and kick the kids’ asses.

In fact, as we type this, the kids are sleeping, at 11:55 a.m.—assuaging my parents’ guilt over their lack of home-schooling. As soon as the kids get up they will descend upon the kitchen and scatter it with Pop-Tarts, chocolate chip waffles and other unsuitable foods that Auntie H’s “friend” would probably not permit inside her (spectacularly clean) house. Moreover, when the kids awaken they will confront—again—the reality that they cannot see friends, and my parents will not be able to console them.

So I say to Auntie H’s frenemy on our collective behalf:

Go f*** yourself. You are a hippie. 

C2031 H3 wine Columbia CrestAnd to my parents, I recommend an excellent bottle of wine for this Friday night: COLUMBIA CREST H3 HORSE HEAVEN HILLS CABERNET SAUVIGNON (2016). This wine is rich and full, bursting with ripe orchard fruit. As you sip, the flavour slowly spreads across your palate with undercurrents of chocolate and coffee that linger ever-so-long. This is the sort of wine you need to savour (last time we had it, I needed to be restrained from pounding it). In terms of value for money ($22.99), you won’t regret one penny of it.

We like H3 so much that my dad made an emergency run to our local booze store last week and purchased three bottles from behind a plexiglass barrier. Not to throw my dad under the bus or anything, but I feel this measured risk to his health was worth it.

 

*My Auntie H needs some new friends.