One more day till election day!
Not that I get to vote or anything. Lacking ID or any documents connecting me to my Langley residence, and—thanks to the Fair Elections Act—unvouchable, and all this compounded by the fact that I’m a bear…I do not get to cast a ballot in tomorrow’s federal election.
So even if I don’t get any representation, my parents do, and I have one day to convince them to support my issues when they go to the polls.
So what are my issues? Well, I’m glad you asked, my fellow inebriates.
First of all, I’m a bear, right? Let’s consult Google to see what the party leaders are doing for bears these days.
OMG, the panda wants to shake Harper’s hand.
Did you know that pandas have thumbs? I DON’T HAVE THUMBS! I could really use some thumbs when I’m trying to open a bottle of POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER from Whistler Brewing. Honestly, a thumb is pretty evolved, wouldn’t you say? But Harper still doesn’t seem to get what a civilized animal this is. I mean, it just got out of a FedEx crate after journeying from China. OMG, Harper, shake the panda’s hand!
Although, to be fair, Harper does love cuddling with animals.
Next up, Thomas Mulcair:
Check it out—he’s a Mulcair Bear. Get it? But would he have a beer with me?
He really seems to be mocking that bear. I do hope not. We bears are such dignified animals.
Okay, Trudeau time.
This search yields by far the most abundant and diverse array of pictures. By all means, my fellow inebriates, I recommend you try it.
Ridiculed for telling the country he would grow the economy “from the heart outwards.”
For one thing, I don’t think that one on the right is really, like, a bear. What is it doing? Irradiating him? With love? Whatever it’s doing, I sincerely hope it doesn’t impair Justin’s ability to put more beer money in the pockets of the, ahem, middle class, to which we could possibly belong at least aspirationally.
We need that beer money, Justin. We need to buy more POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER. It’s malty and substantial, especially for a lager, with a lovely fresh redolence and a palate-pleasing, almost chestnutty aftertaste. If we had this in the fridge everyday, I’d drink it everyday. (Not like I need to tell you that, my fellow inebriates.) POWDER MOUNTAIN manages to be simultaneously crisp and chewy, fizzy and malty, with a long, lingering aftertaste.
I’m gonna leave the election to my parents. But I vote we buy more POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER.