bear

More messed-up stuff happening to bears

I can’t even joke about this one. A hunter in Shuswap reported she’d found about 80 severed bear paws that had apparently been tossed from a moving vehicle.

Uncool, people. Bears are majestic creatures—so much so that our reputation obviously precedes us, as there’s a hot market for bear organs. But let’s be clear. There are synthetic substitutes for bear bile.

All the bears at LBHQ are appalled at this news item. (And we don’t know why my mother insists on having CBC Radio rattling away in the background while she makes coffee in the morning. If she weren’t in the habit of doing this, Scary, Blackie, Fluffy, Red and I wouldn’t have heard the news, and we wouldn’t be quaking right now.)

If you guys have any suggestions about how to stop this kind of psychopathic behaviour, let me know.

Over my DEAD mangy bearskin hide!

My fellow inebriates,

As you know, I have a deep and abiding love for Broker’s Gin and its most admirable Business Development Manager Julia Gale. Why, just yesterday morning I suggested we pour ourselves a gin & tonic for breakfast, only to have the idea shot down peremptorily by my killjoy parents. I imagine Julia, eight hours ahead of us in England, agreeing with me that it was not too early for gin, particularly given the daily, intense drama that surrounds the process of urging V out of bed and onward to school.

My conviction that Julia Gale and the chaps at Broker’s have my back and support all my hopes and dreams is what shocks me so intensely about THIS photo from my Twitter feed:

Broker's Gin on possibly bearskin rug OMG

OMG, right?

Is that really…?

Could it be…?

Is that a BEARSKIN RUG?

WreckSpex Zebra wood

What this election means for bears…and beers like POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER

One more day till election day!

Not that I get to vote or anything. Lacking ID or any documents connecting me to my Langley residence, and—thanks to the Fair Elections Act—unvouchable, and all this compounded by the fact that I’m a bear…I do not get to cast a ballot in tomorrow’s federal election.

So even if I don’t get any representation, my parents do, and I have one day to convince them to support my issues when they go to the polls.

So what are my issues? Well, I’m glad you asked, my fellow inebriates.

First of all, I’m a bear, right? Let’s consult Google to see what the party leaders are doing for bears these days.

stephen harper search

And voila!

OMG, the panda wants to shake Harper's hand.

OMG, the panda wants to shake Harper’s hand.

Did you know that pandas have thumbs? I DON’T HAVE THUMBS! I could really use some thumbs when I’m trying to open a bottle of POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER from Whistler Brewing. Honestly, a thumb is pretty evolved, wouldn’t you say? But Harper still doesn’t seem to get what a civilized animal this is. I mean, it just got out of a FedEx crate after journeying from China. OMG, Harper, shake the panda’s hand!

Although, to be fair, Harper does love cuddling with animals.

pm-harper-koala-bearstephen-harper-with-wormy-thing

Damnit, Stephen Harper, keep your pets on a leash.

Next up, Thomas Mulcair:

mulcair search

Check it out—he's a Mulcair Bear. Get it?

Check it out—he’s a Mulcair Bear. Get it? But would he have a beer with me?

He really seems to be mocking that bear. I do hope not. We bears are such dignified animals.

Okay, Trudeau time.

trudeau search

This search yields by far the most abundant and diverse array of pictures. By all means, my fellow inebriates, I recommend you try it.

Ridiculed for telling the country he would grow the economy "from the heart outwards."

Ridiculed for telling the country he would grow the economy “from the heart outwards.”

For one thing, I don’t think that one on the right is really, like, a bear. What is it doing? Irradiating him? With love? Whatever it’s doing, I sincerely hope it doesn’t impair Justin’s ability to put more beer money in the pockets of the, ahem, middle class, to which we could possibly belong at least aspirationally.

10956-Powder-BottleWe need that beer money, Justin. We need to buy more POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER. It’s malty and substantial, especially for a lager, with a lovely fresh redolence and a palate-pleasing, almost chestnutty aftertaste. If we had this in the fridge everyday, I’d drink it everyday. (Not like I need to tell you that, my fellow inebriates.) POWDER MOUNTAIN manages to be simultaneously crisp and chewy, fizzy and malty, with a long, lingering aftertaste.

I’m gonna leave the election to my parents. But I vote we buy more POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER.