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ASTROLIQUOR for June 14-20, already in progress—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I became very stressed out when I realized the booze horoscope is late. But then somebody told me that all the astrological signs are off by a month because they were calculated over 2,000 years ago and the earth has an axial wobble, and on and on and on, MFI, it was all very technical. Anyway, if you think you’re a Leo, you’re probably a Cancer, and so on through the zodiac. So feel free to drink whatever the stars recommend for your sign AND the one before it. You’re welcome.

You need extra vacation time, Aries. At least that’s what your psychiatrist thinks. As for your colleagues and relatives, they think you take mental holidays all the time. And the stars? They recommend downtime as long as it’s cheap. That means no Champagne—find some budget bubbly and mix it up with leftover peach schnapps (doesn’t everybody have peach schnapps left over?). What the stars don’t recommend is getting canned from your job. Ahhh, it’s so tempting this time of year, but the stars won’t hear of it. They say you’re unhireable and that you should stick with a good thing.

Taurus, it’s time to figure out your finances. Where the hell is all that money going? For the next two weeks you’ll dutifully spreadsheet every expenditure—and the news will be good. If you can just cut out a few little extras, you’ll be totally solvent. But what are those “little extras”? Well, the stars say to start with Champagne. Nobody needs Champagne when they can buy $11 sparkling wine. You do need Malibu, though.

Gemini, your playtime will change significantly this week thanks to some new people who find their way into your life. You’ll find you need quite a bit of cash to keep up with them, and might even end up seeking a loan. Geminis are pretty good at handling stuff like this, but then again, you’re not really a Gemini, are you? The stars say lay off the crack and buy a nice chocolate mint liqueur that you can savor.

Cancer, your physical fitness gets a boost this week when you declare you’ll no longer take the elevator. You got it, you’re taking the stairs, all eight of them, and before long that ass will be toned and tight. With the accompanying confidence boost you’ll attract new people, one of whom will hit you up for a loan. Don’t do it, Cancer! You need that cash for vodka and Jack Daniel’s.

If you’re feeling out of shape, Leo, perhaps you should eliminate solid food in favor of vodka. Toss some fruit into it for vitamins, shake it all up, and call the neighbors over. Voila! You have a yukkaflux party, and that’s what summer’s all about. Like Cancer, though, you’ll become a magnet for new people, and the one who asked Cancer for a loan will hit you up next. Say no! This person is a total dildo and won’t give you your money back.

You’ll spend much of the week bumping into things, Virgo, which is the usual consequence of drinking vodka, peach schnapps, and Blue Curaco without let-up. Not only will you bang up your elbows and knees; you’ll keel over on top of a delicate appliance, which will work only intermittently thereafter. Give it a good kick, Virgo, but mind your toes. You’re already a mess. You should be wearing shoes in the house anyway, because around about the time you break the appliance, you also smash a six-pack on the floor. Mellow out, friend.

Libra, that missing object you’ve been seeking continues to elude you. Where the hell did you put that thing anyway? It has no sentimental value, but it’s something useful—your toothbrush, perhaps, or some Ben Wa balls. (Don’t mix those up.) Even though tequila won’t help you find your lost item, it will make you feel less frustrated, especially if you mix 6 oz of it with 3 oz each of Blue Curacao and lime juice. Pretty soon you’ll be saying, “What thing?” or, more likely, “Waaasssing?”

If you had your druthers you’d have a stable, normal relationship, Scorpio. Cozy nights and quiet luxuries, good food and drink. But you’re Scorpio, and let’s face it, you don’t do “normal.” You thrive on unpredictability and chaos, which is why you’ll say yes to that peach vodka with 7Up. It won’t taste very good, and you know that, but it signifies a gratifying behavioral spiral that resonates with the Scorpio. Oh, wait a sec, you’re really a Libra. Maybe you can find that missing thing Libra’s looking for.

Sagittarius, communication is tickety-boo this week, and your thoughts are both coherent and compelling. For some reason you’re not getting any work done, though. Are you wanking off to the sound of your own voice? Take a holiday, Sagittarius, and spare your co-workers any more of this. If HR won’t let you book off for a week, take a mental holiday. Stock your desk drawer with bourbon whiskey, Southern Comfort, triple sec, and Blue Curacao. Ahhhh!

A Sagittarius will pester you this week, Capricorn. Just because you smiled once or twice, this person thinks you’re interested romantically. This person also probably has a headful of bourbon and other mixers (see Sagittarius, above) and won’t even remember if you tell him/her to bugger off. Just ignore, ignore, ignore. Save your own lovely drink for after work when you get home: Bailey’s and hot chocolate, because you are so much more refined than a Sagittarius. Oh wait. You kind of are a Sagittarius.

Aquarius, you’ll be the epitome of charm this week. People are drawn to you magnetically because of your nonjudgmental aura. You can even manipulate them with your charisma if you feel like it, but the stars wish you wouldn’t. These things can escalate badly, and next thing you know, you have a drunken Sagittarius hurling chunks of cafeteria lunch and triple sec all over your cubicle. Being nonjudgmental, you won’t mind, but the stars think you can do better, so stick to gin.

You’ll blossom this week, Pisces, becoming a magnet for people whose lives aren’t going so swimmingly. So willing to oblige are you that you’ll drop everything to help, to lend, and to provide emotional support. You’ll start neglecting your own needs and even your own health. Taking on the weight of the world isn’t something any Pisces should ever do. For one thing, Pisces people are never more than a few weeks away from a nervous breakdown. If you don’t look after number one, you’ll find yourself drained by the douchebags of the world, who won’t even lend you a cup of Bacardi later. (Wow! the stars are harsh this week.)

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ASTROLIQUOR for May 31 to June 6, already in progress!

Once again, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone sideways. My typist was apparently out on a nature walk. Nature be damned! I said, my fellow inebriates have no celestial guidance on what to drink. Here it is in short strokes.

Aries:

The stars want you to find something exotic…an Italian herbal liqueur called Strega. Got it? Mix 1 oz with 2 oz each of vodka and orange juice (for the vitamins) plus 1/2 oz banana liqueur. Shake with ice and repeat throughout the day, every day this week.

Taurus:

Typically apple cider is kind of cloying—at least the mainstream brands. Throw in an ounce of DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker and tart it up.

Gemini:

Two parts Malibu, 1 part Blue Curacao, 6 parts OJ. Let the Curacao sink to the bottom, just like your ambitions for the week.

Cancer:

You need some moonshine—preferably some smuggled home in a suitcase from Ireland. We’re talking Poteen, and it should have a vague petroleum smell. Mix with equal parts Irish whisky and Bailey’s Irish Cream, then chase it with a Guinness. Say hi to the Leprechauns when they show up.

Leo:

It’s time to blow your budget on silly-flavored vodka…how about vanilla? Mix it up with creme de bananes and some random juices (cranberry? orange? who cares?).

Virgo:

We’re talking vodka (3 parts) and black sambuca (1 part). Incorporate this nasty mixture into every hour of your life this week. Pretty soon your poo will be an inky black color (and not solid).

Libra:

It calls itself a martini but it’s more of a fauxtini: Grey Goose plus Chambord, equal parts. Ahhh!

Scorpio:

Your life just isn’t weird enough, so try this out: 6 oz dark rum, 3 oz Kahlua, 3 oz cream, 4 oz milk. Then (get this) add a twist of lemon and one clove. Nuke it, but don’t nuke the shit out of it.

Sagittarius:

This is called a Dead Budgie: a bunch of coconut rum and banana liqueur with juice and grenadine (for the blood? OMG).

Capricorn:

Triple sec and raspberry schnapps are pretty good together, but even better with some sweet-and-sour mix and OJ. Equal parts of everything. Do, say…10 shots.

Aquarius:

The stars have bananas on the brain this week, and your drink like dessert. Blend a banana with 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream, 2 oz Godiva (OMG, yes!) and 1/2 oz dark rum. All day long.

Pisces:

Ice-cold gin in a 2:3 ratio with orange juice…ahhhh!! If the math is too hard, keep adding parts of each until you don’t care.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 17–23, already in progress!

Okay, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone totally off the rails. I pleaded with my typist to dump the paid work in favor of this, your guide to the week’s alcohol consumption. But you try reasoning with either of my parents. So here’s a quickie. (Sometimes a quickie is a good thing.)

Aries:

I haven’t seen Snapple at the store in a long time, but the stars want you to get some Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple and liquor it up with Malibu. You’re welcome.

Taurus:

The stars think you should combine gin and vodka (it’s a travesty, just have gin) with 7-Up, lemon juice, and lime juice. Seriously, just gin.

Gemini:

Butterscotch schnapps and Crown Royal. Everyone has those on hand, right?

Cancer:

You get something elaborate to keep you busy. And it will be an appetizing grey-blue if you shake it up correctly: 3 oz Raspberry Stolichnaya, 10 oz margarita mix, 2 oz Blue Curacao, and 2 oz creme de cassis. It will look gross but get you shitfaced.

Leo:

You need a nice hot laced coffee. Pour in some brandy, all the kinds of rum you have, plus froufrou stuff like cinnamon sticks and brown sugar. Yum. You are definitely not going in to work.

Virgo:

Party, party…Midori Melon, Cointreau, vodka, and whatever citrus juice-type things you can rastle up.

Libra:

Absolut. That is all, unless you want to add some lemon.

Scorpio:

Three things: Aftershock Cinnamon, rum, and triple sec. Copious quantities. If it’s too shocking, add some soda.

Sagittarius:

Got some cherry vodka? Shake it with some sloe gin, dry vermouth, and optional pineapple juice. Who needs juice anyway?

Capricorn:

Aha, Southern Comfort rears its ugly head in your star chart. Equal parts sloe gin and amaretto…ahhhh!

Aquarius:

What to do with something as unpalatable and corrosive as Coca-Cola? Why, add Jack Daniel’s and Wild Turkey of course.

Pisces:

Hypnotiq…we have never purchased this at LBHQ, to my great chagrin. The stars command equal parts Hypnotiq and Sprite, plus a report to LBHQ of whatever shenanigans ensue.

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