Why the Easter Bunny is an essential service

My fellow inebriates,

Yesterday Ontario Premier Doug Ford declared the Easter Bunny an essential worker, assuring children there would still be chocolates on Easter morning. This followed similar assurances by New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern about both the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, and was quickly seconded by the premiers of Winnipeg and Quebec.

The Tooth Fairy is, of course, creepy.

But in the case of the Easter Bunny—especially when delivering booze-filled eggs (okay, that’s never happened in our house but I keep hoping for it)—this type of news is exactly what kids need to hear.

Okay, maybe not our kids. Now 12 and 14 years old respectively, their message to the Easter Bunny is: “Just put all the stuff on the kitchen table.” But for all the innocent, not-yet-cynical little kids who whose pandemic-related anxiety could only be surpassed by the threat that the Easter Bunny might not show up to hide eggs throughout their houses, it’s good to know our provincial governments are recognizing the necessity of magic and joy.

Over to you, Justin Trudeau. Can we expect a Canada-wide declaration this morning?

Speak moistly and carry a big mask

My fellow inebriates,

I’m all for speaking moistly during non-pandemic times. Being as absorbent as a bar rag, I’m often moist (well, damp). But our prime minister urging everyone not to speak moistly this morning? That was a treat.

Reactions on Twitter were immediate and largely positive. The moment was downright humanizing. But still, we had to make sense of it. Here’s our attempt.

D2007 MOIST

Liquor sales trend upwards along with COVID-19

My fellow inebriates,

BC’s government has included booze stores on its list of essential services and it seems shoppers agree. Booze sales are up 40% since the COVID-19 crisis began.

Not only that—buying patterns have changed.

 

D2003 liquor sales trends

Bigger is better these days.

Fortunately there’s plenty of booze on the shelves, so we’re not seeing toilet-paper-style fights. But there’s a slight air of panic in my local booze store as we customers position ourselves two metres apart and transact through a plexiglass shield. No wonder we feel like drinking.