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ASTROLIQUOR for March 29 to April 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.

Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.

Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)

Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.

Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.

This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.

Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.

You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).

Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.

Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.

Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 8-14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, it’s time to mend a relationship. The conflict started out small, but then you were a dickhead and exaggerated the situation. Now you need to pocket your pride. This is embarrassing, so you’ll do well to eliminate any inhibitions. With what? you ask. Why, with Jack Daniel’s and blackberry brandy in equal parts. Not at work, though—the stars are already forecasting a crappy performance review.

Taurus, your ability to focus abandons you. You’ll spend at least four hours this week watching people do the Harlem Shake and hunting through YouTube for philosophy lectures that bolster the weird-ass stuff you already believe in. Go out and have fun instead. The stars encourage incorporating Midori Melon into all your activities, as long as they get you out of the house.

Stock up on beer and potato chips, Gemini—you’re having a house party this week. Play some good music and people will show up by the dozen. Watch out for a Libra—a totally wrecked Libra. You’ll want to keep this person out of trouble. Pull him/her aside and have a real conversation about something important to you. Not only will you start a solid friendship; you’ll have someone to help you clean up later.

Cancer, the stars call for communication and negotiation with an emphasis on finance. You’ll be assertive and effective. You may well wonder: What place does alcohol have in this? The stars say “no place,” but who says you have to listen to the stars? They are very distant balls of exploding gas, and they know ^&*$@!* about your life. Pour some watermelon schnapps and tell the stars to kiss your ass.

Leo, get serious about finance and household matters. Buy some real estate, perhaps, or some throw pillows. If you fix up your surroundings you’ll feel like having visitors (the stars say “older women”). Moreover, you’ll get sympathy without having to act like a jerk. Of course all this civility will run its course and end with several ounces of Bailey’s dropped into a pitcher of lager.

As a Virgo you tend to be a pragmatist—but not this week. Get your paranormal/ astrological/ metaphysical game on. You could take a course and earn credentials similar to Sylvia Browne’s (or, since those would be “zero,” you could study some old metaphysics texts). This is not incompatible with drinking tequila, but it will mess up your workout at the gym. No-brainer: tequila.

Libra, you’ll experience memory dropouts commensurate with the amount of cognac that’s mysteriously disappeared from your bar. Yes, you bottomed out, Libra, and you can’t remember any of it. This will make friends and relatives laugh at you, and you will probably get fired, especially if you are an air traffic controller. Sounds like a reasonable week.

You get some bad health-related news about a friend, Scorpio. This person used to be in kick-ass shape, but you just can’t neglect a thing like syphilis indefinitely. Your friend is in trouble, and you’d better visit. Not that you have to avoid the subject. Your friend will love talking frankly with you, especially if come stocked with sloe gin, banana liqueur, vodka, triple sec, and Southern Comfort.

Sagittarius, those benders have been keeping you from a robust social life. Friends are starting to resent your no-shows—but not as much as they resent you breathing next-day Green Chartreuse all over them when you do make an appearance. If you feel too sick to address your social shortcomings, give yourself a week or so. But do keep up with old friends, because you’re not exactly making new ones.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. Your body is wrecked after weeks of slamming blended whiskey and rum. If you don’t know how to relax, try modelling your behavior after someone you consider especially indolent. If you fake being a lazy douche for long enough, the next thing you know, you’ll actually be one, and then you’ll have arrived. Pour yourself some creme de cacao.

Aquarius, you suck at minding your finances, but your bank account is going critical, so it wouldn’t hurt to set a budget. No more fancy vodka for you; buy a plastic-jug brand. You’ll probably use the money you save to go on an expensive date rather than actually banking it, but that’s okay; you need human contact. Too bad the person is sketchy and knows where you live.

Pisces, strong emotions take over this week, leaving you barely able to function. This is what happens when you ingest nothing but rye with Tang® all week; you’re reduced to a snivelling ruin. Talk about your feelings, but not with people you know. Try people on the subway or in other confined spaces from which they can’t run away immediately. What you say is disturbing, but you need to say it. Remember life is beautiful, even if you’re not the most beautiful component of it.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, an insurance issue will require your full attention. Make sure you read the small print—preferably before you go on a Yellow Chartreuse bender. In any case, your coverage will probably screw you over, leaving you to wonder why you bothered buying insurance at all. The good news is it doesn’t involve driving and/or your car. Give yourself a pat on the back for confining your drinking to your home and public transit. Take the money you’ve been wasting on premiums and buy a present for a Scorpio. Maybe a bottle of Yellow Chartreuse.

Taurus, you’re brooding over old issues. Colleagues wonder why you haven’t gotten over ancient slights, but Taurus personalities are excellent at balling up those hostile emotions until they explode. Release them before you go critical. Remember: booze will free you of your inhibitions. Use anything…cognac, Cointreau, Yellow Chartreuse… Are you drunk yet? Good. Now go talk to your boss.

You think you know yourself so well, Gemini, but others actually know you better. In fact, you can’t even remember the last five years. You’ve been awash the whole time in Southern Comfort. Little do you know, your consciousness is about to explode, providing new insights between now and May. You’ll also experience some diarrhea.

Cancer, you’ll start a drunken fight at work this week. You can’t help it; your colleagues are idiots who refuse to do their jobs. Privately you’ll feel ashamed for your outburst, but then you’ll gradually start to like your new bad-ass self. You’ll rationalize your nutbag workplace freakouts and bolster them with a flask of gin. Have a cardboard box ready.

Leo, pay more attention to your family. Don’t just listen to them; try to understand what makes them tick. What weird-ass genes influence them? What crazy relatives brought them up? Meanwhile you’ll find yourself in the doghouse with a significant other; it seems your inability to function without a headful of Bacardi 151 is a relationship dealbreaker. Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone new at the liquor store in April.

Virgo, your month is outstripping your paycheque and causing you big financial worries. Consider getting rid of your car. You never drive it anyway because you are always pissed on Malibu. You could buy discount rotting fruit and vegetables to save a few coins, or maybe even give up solid foods altogether. Or you could just wait for a raise. The stars say “maybe.”

Stop mailing your hate letters immediately, Libra. The “send” button is far too tempting for you, and you’re dissing people who are much smarter (and probably more sober) than you. If you, for instance, email the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, you will get skewered. It’s okay to have an opinion, but try not to formulate it after marinating your neurons in vodka, whisky, gin, and a dash of tabasco sauce. That shit’ll make you mean.

The stars may be messing with you, Scorpio, but they’re suggesting you make an elaborate dinner for friends. They’ll be surprised at what a gourmand you are, and a flirtation may even ensue with a Leo or Pisces. The resultant public display of affection will probably appall your guests and scare them off, but for your superbly stocked bar. White rum, dark rum, and elderflower cordial? You’ve got it going on. And now you’ve got an orgy in your dining room.

Sagittarius, you’re hurting financially. You made some serious dents with your ATM card back in December, and you can’t even remember what you purchased. That’s what happens when you go shopping during a drunken blackout. Who knows what you bought—check and see if there’s a Prada purse under your bed. Better yet, see what’s in your bar. Let’s hope you stocked up on Tia Maria and Amaretto.

You don’t have any spare cash, Capricorn, but who cares? You’re feeling down and your house could use some new furniture. Your partner will be so surprised to see a new living room suite and a zero balance. Smooth over any arguments with this yummy drink:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 1/2 cup cranberry juice
  • 1/2 cup mango juice
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1 cup ice cream

Blend it all up with ice…unless you have to sell the blender.

Aquarius, it’s time to take someone to dinner—maybe an old friend, maybe someone you meet in the brandy aisle at the liquor store. You’ll hit it off in a big way and end up naked. The next morning while you’re lounging around in an ill-fitting thong with your new friend, Jehovah’s Witnesses will come to your door. Invite them in. You must have some brandy left, and the conversation will be fun.

Pisces, you have a very deviant sex life, but it’s not satisfying you these days. Could you be looking for true love? The stars have lots of options for you (Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer), but they’re not all into your kinks. They don’t like that bit involving peanut butter and the dog, and they draw the line at letting your relatives watch. Cheer up, you can still pour the Hypnotiq, Malibu, and vodka, and there’ll be no hard feelings.

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