poor advice

ASTROLIQUOR for April 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Socially, Aries, you’re in for an unpredictable week. Expect everyone to behave like crazed drunks: one minute amorous, the next minute coming at you with a broken bottle. By Thursday you’ll have squeaked through this without injury, only to face a financial dilemma—an offer you can’t refuse…or can/should you? Wait until mid-April to decide. In the meantime? Jell-O shots of course:

  • 1 box orange Jell-O (the stars don’t know which size)
  • 1 cup boiling water
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/2 cup vodka

Follow package directions EXCEPT substitute the cold water with the juice and vodka (juice first so it cools down the boiling mixture and prevents vodka evaporation).

Taurus, financial security is heavily emphasized, with partners or close relatives laying on thick pressure to get your ducks in a row. This might mean buying insurance or looking into your investments. Or it could mean cutting back on the Jagermeister. The stars know good booze is expensive, so they advise cheap brands this week. Buy a big plastic jug of vodka and some no-name version of Kahlua. Your relatives and coworkers will nod with approval as you manage to save money for the future and still get totally wasted.

Your social life is complicated this week, Gemini, so maintain a healthy skepticism as friends make romantic declarations, only to rescind them the next day. Don’t take it personally—the stars are fickle this week. Then again, the morning after a one-nighter can sometimes be an unpleasant eye-opener. Perhaps your partner got grossed out by the tequila-and-gin vomit splattered on the shower stall…you know, the stain from February?

Cancer, whatever shit was flying at work, it will calm down this week. Your boss will forget that episode involving absinthe and Fresca—and may even deny the whole thing. By mid-week you’ll be the only person who remembers what happened, but your best-behavior paranoia won’t let up until at least Sunday. In the meantime you’ll find yourself saying yes to everything, so get ready for some bizarre new hobbies.

Leo, workplace ethics figure prominently this week, along with added responsibilities and dipshit assignments. This is not a good time to ask your colleagues if they know what the hell they’re doing. The less you know the better, and alcohol can help with that. Be patient and sip some sloe gin (from your flask).

You’ve been happily ignoring your family, Virgo, but you can get away with that for only so long. Relatives will decide they want to live with you and/or initiate complicated financial involvements that will interfere with your plans to drink rum in the nude. Thoroughly study any financial proposals before committing to anything. There’s a reason you’ve been keeping your family at arms’ length. They are nutbags.

Libra, you’ll be pestered by annoying little reminders from colleagues this week. Every five seconds you’ll encounter some new post-it with loopy writing reminding you to do something totally stupid and trivial. Bureaucracy will run rampant and sap your will to live. Hang on until Thursday, when people will turn into human beings again. That’s when you break out the Malibu.

Everyone around you is bored, Scorpio. It’s not your fault—you are doing your usual lunatic things and being entertaining as hell. It’s other people with mad repression who are hanging out in your space and driving you nuts with their inability to occupy themselves. Maybe if you give them some Grey Goose they will go away. It’s worth a shot.

Sagittarius, romantic overtures and social occasions will thrill you this week. You’ve been bored lately (have you been pestering any Scorpios?), so this is a great opportunity to get out of your funk. You’ll also consider new employment. This might be the result of a workplace incident involving dark rum and Dr. Pepper…or you might simply be seeking a new job. Oh yeah, and the stars say your rectum might itch this week, but it’s nothing major.

Professional events are a chore this week, Capricorn. Colleagues are unusually strained, as if they expect a pink slip any minute. This is a good time to network, just in case they’re right. It’s easier to get a job when you have a job, and right now you still have the mojo. Maintain diplomacy and meet as many contacts as you can. Stay alert! But if you figure your job is safe, you can go ahead and mix this up:

  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz De Kuiper Blue Island Pucker schnapps
  • 2 oz vodka

Whee!

Aquarius, everyone around you is moody this week. You’re walking on eggshells among friends who’ve mated with each other and broken up—and are now torturing you with the relationship aftermath. How awkward…get out the Malibu and Blue Curacao and make some happy drinks. That or banish your friends until they get over their liaison. On Friday you may receive a large inheritance. This will make you super-popular, so get rid of those mopey friends ASAP or you won’t be able to later.

Pisces, finances will be the usual fiasco this week, with all dealings strangely messed up, outlandish promises made and broken, and nutty propositions coming from all angles. Let’s face it: the only safe investment for your cash is liquor. Now’s the time to stock up on all those liqueurs you’ve wondered about. Do you have any Goldschlager? Buy it! Butterscotch schnapps? Go get it! Kahlua? Buy it, and mix it up. Mmmmm. You’re totally broke now, but happy.

ASTROLIQUOR for January 4-10 (2013!)—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone—probably a Cancer—will move away without telling you. You’ll clue in after they’ve gone, then spend a week halfheartedly stalking them on the Internet. Thing is, your life is better with this person out of it. Work’s more productive, and even when it’s not, your Alt/Tab reflexes are at their best. Forget about that Cancer! Here’s how: Find four kinds of schnapps and mix them in equal parts, then match what you’ve got with tequila. Oblivion!

Taurus, your memory dropouts will come back to haunt you this week when an old friend reappears—and you can’t remember who the hell the person is. Do your best to recall; this is an interesting friend who can help you professionally. I see you two staying up all night drinking Red Bull with raspberry vodka—all before you have a clue what this person’s name is. Good times.

You have a nutty way of looking at the world, Gemini, and much of the time people don’t “get” you. This week, however, the stars forecast understanding and communication, so do whatever you want; no one will judge you. On Saturday you’ll party with an elderly person. Make sure you telephone later; this person doesn’t have Internet (OMG!). Here’s your party mix:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz milk

Cancer, don’t grumble about your misfortunes. Load up on peach schnapps and confront the person causing them. Guaranteed it’s a Capricorn or a Virgo. If you think this will end badly, you may be surprised. This person has wisdom you don’t even know about. Saturday’s the best day to pick up another Cancer. Try the Walmart section where they sell mesh underwear bags.

Leo, there’s a Pisces you’d love to get naked with, but only if they’ll promise not to talk. Not a good start, but if your junk has its way you’ll end up pursuing this not-very-satisfying relationship. Distract yourself with professional activities. This should remove you from temptation, unless of course you’re in the world’s oldest profession. Your drink?

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 1 oz creme de noyaux
  • 1 oz cherry brandy
  • Cream to taste (I say none)

Virgo, you get the urge to take on extra work, but be careful. Your douchebag colleagues are only too glad to offload their projects. Only do what really interests you. Fact is, you don’t really have to work at all. On Monday you’ll probably win the lottery, and then you can tell everybody to shove it. That’s the day you arrive in a Ferrari and a Starbucks laced with 80-proof rum. You deserve it, you hard worker.

Libra, you’ll replace some of your boring friends with new people this week. As a Libra you won’t feel fickle for doing this; the stars ordain that you should jettison old friends for fascinating new ones. The result will be scintillating conversations and financial opportunities, mondo creativity, and the worst freaking hangover you ever endured. That’s what happens when fascinating new people fill your bathtub with blackberry schnapps and creme de cacao.

Are you feeling gloomy, Scorpio? The stars call for happy orange drinks with lashings of Grand Marnier and orange Curacao. Get sufficiently lit up on this sunny combo and take a beachside walk. You’ll meet a nudist enjoying the bracing January day, and the two of you will enjoy a unique romance throughout January and February.

Sagittarius, you don’t like asking for help, although you often take advantage of family members. This week you’ll need to muster the courage to seek help from a colleague—a nasty bugger who’s always nitpicking your work and busting you for being on Facebook. Loosen this dickhead up with a flask of vodka and Jagermeister—or better yet, save it for yourself.

You’ve grown emotionally, Capricorn, and this ramps up your social appeal. Which will you choose to get naked with—Virgo or Scorpio? And if that’s not the sign of your existing partner, get ready for some turbulence, ’cause the stars say you’re doing this thing. No doubt gin martinis will play a role, but don’t have too many. You need to get up early to visit garage sales. There’s a priceless antique waiting for you to find it.

Aquarius, you feel happy and clever, having solved a challenging intellectual problem. What a brainiac! In fact, you might have too many brain cells. Give them some rum. Once you dumb yourself down you’ll have a vapid flirtation with a neighbor following a ridiculous conversation about lawn fertilizer. Your brain cells will be terribly conflicted, but your naughty bits will like it.

Pisces, there are all sorts of hidden meanings in your mail. Read it carefully! Add up the vowels and consonants; see if there’s a code. You know this isn’t paranoid; there are people out there (mostly Cancers) dedicated to messing with your head. Don’t worry, though, most of them are harmless. The other ones you can invite over for an Everclear party. They need Everclear because it can stop their synapses from making wacky connections between random bits of information. Remember to go outside at least once this week.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 23-29—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’d like to make love to a movie star or news reporter. No luck there! You will have a hook-up on a downtown bus, though…late at night, with a vagrant reeking of Beefeater. Soak up the experience! It will shake you to your core. You’ll find yourself daydreaming about it the next day…in the grocery store, at the gym…. Better buy some Beefeater. After all, smell is the sense most tied to memory.

Taurus, where is this new independence and responsibility coming from? Not only are you kicking ass at work; you’re contemplating self-improvement seminars and community education—possibly even a cult. Your newfound self-sufficiency even extends to love. Once upon a time you’d have jumped at the chance to have sex with a gin-soaked derelict on a moving bus. But this week…you have no problem saying no.

Maybe it’s the tequila, Gemini, or possibly the Blue Curacao, but I see you in a Turkish bath surrounded by sweaty moobs. This joyful living peaks on Wednesday, when you emerge from your communal nude-fest, go to work after a long and inexplicable absence, and make your boss notice you. You can do no wrong, Gemini!

Cancer, have you forgotten what a screw-up you were at work last week? Apparently so, because you’ve taken that disciplinary talk your boss gave you and applied it to all your colleagues. Tattle-tales will get you nowhere, and doesn’t everyone take Wite-Out home? Instead of being an insufferable douchebag, make yourself a treat:

  • 3 oz white chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Galiano
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • Milk to taste (I’m having “none”)

Leo, you’re rebounded from last week’s insecurities in a characteristically manic way. You radiate confidence and everyone notices. Now’s the time to boost that inner glow with a big-ass bottle of UV Blue vodka. What is that flavor, you wonder? OMG, it’s raspberries! Blue raspberries! Just like in nature. The artificiality just about makes your head split open. You should definitely drink the whole bottle.

Don’t speak your true thoughts, Virgo, or you’ll end up getting your ass kicked at the pub. Keep critical thoughts to yourself while your brain cells are swimming in Malibu. True enough, Malibu is a veritable truth serum, but if you make an effort you can control it at least as well as you control your bladder. No? Maybe you should stay at home, at least until Friday. Too bad they don’t make Depends for your mouth.

Libra, when you behave superficially you attract people, so keep it up. You’ll hook up with a colleague this week, which should feed the gossip machine. Most star charts would advise discretion, but not this one. You should have a blow-out party and invite everyone from work, dramatically illuminating your crazy new relationship and obviating the need to fill out one of those disclosure forms with HR. Here’s your party punch:

  • 1 bottle Everclear
  • 1 bottle vodka
  • 1 bottle tequila
  • A bunch of Red Bull, Sunny D, and Hawaiian Punch
  • Fresh floating fruit (for the vitamins)

You consider meditating this week, Scorpio. Maybe there’s something to this spirituality stuff, right? After about 10 minutes you come to your senses and pour a big pitcher of Goldschlager, Jack Daniels, and Aftershock…ahhh! That’s a much better way to your Third Eye. No gambling this week unless you’re totally sure you’re going to win. Uh, yeah. Right.

Sagittarius, normally you’re good at keeping the peace with your partner, but this week you turn into a maniac. That’s what comes of lengthy teetotalling (the stars say you gave up the bottle for a good five days). Oh no! You had nothing but crap in your liquor cabinet, so when you decided abstinence wasn’t for you, your only bender ingredients were some nasty old vermouth and apple brandy. No wonder you were so testy. Go out and buy some proper booze.

You’re suddenly inundated by friends, Capricorn. You’ll make tons of new contacts, some charming but most boring. You’ll need a lot of vodka mint martinis to make them seem interesting! The one exception will be a Scorpio—possibly a friend of a friend, possibly a hobo on a bus. Be open-minded and go with it 🙂

Aquarius, a fortnight-long misunderstanding gets cleared up this week. It’ll be nice to be out of custody and breathe some fresh air. Avoid buses, police stations, Virgos, pragmatists, lemons, and expensive Scotch. You need a cheap blend while you put your life back together, friend. Come to LBHQ and have some Wisers.

Pisces, make no decisions this week about anything. Your choices typically involve Bacardi 151, and you know how that works out. No driving, either, this week! At the best of times you have no business being in a car, and you’ll have a lot more fun if you eliminate the temptation to drive. BTW, the stars say there’s some fungus on your body but they don’t say where.