My Fellow Inebriates,
My little summer companions are back to school today. Let’s hope this means my typists will resuscitate the blog, but they’ve gotten pretty random lately, so who knows? For now, we need some celestial drinking guidance. I shudder to think what you’ve all been drinking without a booze horoscope. Budd Light? Say it ain’t so, my fellow inebriates.
The stars told me they were getting tired of weekly horoscopes, and that they could do a better job if I appealed to them only once a month. “Okay,” I said. “I am going to spend the rest of the month ripped out of my head on whatever you suggest.” We made a deal, and here it is.
Aries, it’s time to get a job, and September is your month. Don’t say you have no skills, and even if you really don’t, you can fake your way through any interview with a carefully crafted cocktail of Rockstar energy drinks, vodka, triple sec, and cranberry juice (for that urinary tract infection the stars say you have). Make sure, as you vibrate your way through the interview, that you drop all the classic key words: you’re a team-playing, multi-tasking, out-of-the-box thinker, right? Hellz, yes, how could you not be with every brain cell buzzing? You won’t be able to sit still, but at least try to be organized. Arrange your files logically. Save a desk drawer for a flask. Your make-or-break period starts September 5, so load up. Maintain your knife-edge buzz and you’ll be saying yes to a promotion in January. Just remember: it all starts with vodka.
Taurus, you’re sniffing out autumn, ready to say good-bye to hot weather and stock up on booze brands that will warm your cockles (whatever cockles are). Run to your local booze shop and stock up on white rum, tequila, vodka, gin, and Cointreau. You need these items for a housewrecker party that will kick off your fall season and launch you down a new romantic path. Enjoy it while it lasts; October will bring you a world of horoscopic shit as the planets bang around in your sign. The more inebriated you can remain, the better.
Gemini, the planets are hanging out in your home/family house, hinting at some domestic improvements. Depending on what sort of Gemini you are, this could entail painting or recarpeting. It might just mean running the vacuum cleaner around occasionally. Or maybe the stars think you should pick up those dirty skid-marked ginchies in the corner or scrub that barf stain off the side of the toilet. Whatever the hell kind of Gemini you are, don’t tackle anything so ambitious without a healthy glass of tequila and grapefruit juice. You need the vitamins.
Cancer, you’ll be ready for fall once you exorcise the last of your summer travel itches. Too bad you don’t have any money. Solution? Get blasted on gin and creme de cassis, then ride the subway. You’ll meet lots of exotic people and maybe even have what we vagrant types call a “transit romance.” On September 5 the new moon lands in your “home” house, thus ending your urge to roam and setting off a lengthy agoraphobic phase. Make sure you buy some lottery tickets online because you are sure to win, and then you’ll never have to leave the house.
Leo, this is a fantastic month to be you. Mars brings its warlike energy into your sign, filling you with piss, vinegar, and Captain Morgan’s spiced rum with a peach schnapps chaser. This is an excellent time to start new projects as long as they don’t involve power tools or driving a motor vehicle. Your best days are September 12/13, when Mars and Uranus will combine their energies somehow to get you a raise at work. Enjoy, because October’s gonna suck.
Virgo, you’ll finally get the out-of-control birthday party you’ve always felt so deprived of. That’s because the new moon is in your sign, bringing positivity and joy (for ten days, then you’re wallowing in vomit). In addition to the new moon, Jupiter helps out by camping in your friendship house, so invite everyone you know, including that sketchy FB friend list of yours. They will arrive at your bash with bourbon and lime wedges, copulate in your spare bedroom, and soil all your towels. Jupiter loves this kind of shit, but Saturn will swing by and reprimand you with a ferocious hangover. It’ll be like listening to muppets screaming Happy Birthday inside your ear canal all day. Sounds good, right?
Libra, life has been tough this summer, but September brings a little hiatus. The sun, moon, and Mercury usher in a creative phase, so take any holidays you have outstanding and get to work on your screenplay. Too bad Mercury moves so quickly; this phase will be short. It will speed the hell out of your creative house and into your medical house—next thing you know some doctor will be kneading your gonads. All of which makes you feel that your life lacks…a plan. By the end of September life will be tough again and you’ll be on the psychiatrist’s couch—maybe even in a straitjacket. Here’s a special “soothing” drink for Libras who are on the verge of losing their shit:
- 1/2 cup creme de cacao
- 1/2 cup triple sec
- 1/2 cup Bailey’s
- 1/2 cup Kahlua
- 2 cups milk
Scorpio, last month was good for your career, but you didn’t have any tequila in the house then. September is very different, with Mars bringing its special bar-fight energy into your tenth house (fame). You will probably end up on YouTube clocking someone on the subway (see Cancer for potential victims). Worst-case scenario, you end up incarcerated; best-case scenario, you end up with lots of free time, as your under-appreciative boss cuts you loose so you can write your novel. And by all means do that. Apply for welfare and write your heart out; the stars say you will definitely secure a publisher as long as you keep fueling your writing with Hell Marys (Bloody Marys made with tequila). Ahhhh! Success will be yours.
Sagittarius, you will love September as it is extra-friendly this year, and your charisma will accelerate your career forward. The moment the new moon hits, great stuff will happen. Did you know there is an astrological house of other people’s money? Well, there totally is, and that’s where Jupiter is for you this month. And since Jupiter is so big and has such amazing gravity, this means that it will suck money from other people toward you. We’re talking venture capital, bonuses, investment payouts, pyramid schemes—you name it, if it constitutes some kind of illegitimate or shady earnings, you’re getting a windfall. And that means more Bacardi for you.
September looks good for you, Capricorn, especially after the new moon on the 5th, heralding a debauched vacation and/or an all-expenses-paid business trip. Academics feature strongly, as do publishing and screenwriting, so make time during your vacation to brush up any pitches you’ve been working on. Vodka will help with this, especially during the actual pitches, so stock up and load up. Your brain cells can take it because there is a planetary confluence in a highly intellectual part of your chart. Capricorns are intelligent to begin with, so please take the stars seriously and dumb yourself down with lashings of vodka and Blue Curacao before you become annoying.
Aquarius, you’re not usually money-oriented, but your chart is this month, which makes for a bit of a disconnect. The new moon will bring you career success and a probable bonus. Now, even though Aquarians don’t know shit about money and are constantly giving it away, think carefully about stocking your bar first. The stars told me you have some crappy beer and boxed wine but no nuts-and-bolts liquor items such as brandy, bitters, and vermouth. You need these ingredients to have a kick-ass bar, AND you need to keep some money just in case the stars crap on you in October (they are planning to). OMG, you might not have any cash flow until February. Also, there are some planets milling around in your eighth house, which all good astrologers know means hemorrhoids are coming.
Synergy is your key word for September, Pisces. Whatever you think you can do alone, you can do ten times as well with a partner. And whatever you think you can do sober, you can do ten times as well after consuming a great big vat of gin, vodka, and white wine*. Collaboration is highlighted both personally and professionally, making September 6/7 great days for hook-ups and or PowerPoint presentations. Enjoy, because September will move fast, giving way to a financially shaky October. Remember to charge your cell phone; lots of your friends think you’re a douchebag because you never pick up.
*No driving! No power tools!
* Pardon the tired pun.
My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.
Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.
Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)
Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.
Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.
This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.
Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.
You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.
Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).
Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.
Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.
Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.