My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope.
Aries, your house is looking blah. You have a lot of boring colors on the walls—it’s time to go wild with paint. But how will you choose which colors? For starters, you’ll need some gin. Slosh it into a glass with an equal quantity of cheap white wine, then about half that much triple sec. Do not add club soda! You need to get away from your pastel sensibilities and into some harsh, jarring flavors. That will inspire you. Now…get a sober friend to drive you to Home Depot. Choose your paint. Shoo the sober friend away once you’re back at home and start painting. Yay! You will totally love waking up and discovering your new decor. Trust me.
Taurus, it’s time to switch gears and do something exciting. Make sure to visit bars every day after work (during, if you can get away with it). Then reel over to the all-night gym and don your spandex. Even though you’d be amazed how common acid reflux is when you’re attempting a heavy bent-over row after pounding a jug of Tequila, OJ, and Blue Curacao, it really is a good idea to get some exercise. Trust me. Any friends you lose this week due to (your) erratic behavior weren’t very good friends to start with.
Gemini, this week is all about meeting new people and widening your circles. But you’re not feeling open minded, so perhaps you’ll need to soften yourself up with some kind of gin-and-rum concoction. Once you do, you’ll have all kinds of adventures, especially on Friday/Saturday. Trust me. And take your toothbrush with you just in case you get arrested.
Cancer, this week you’ll meet someone from another planet, or at least someone claiming extraterrestrial origins. How cool is that? Try to get hold of whatever chemicals this person is enjoying. Failing that, be sure to up-end a big bottle of cheap sherry—close enough, right? A very sordid (and obviously not reality-based) relationship will ensue, with a dramatic break-up in August. And then, you’ll get a random phone call from a friend who was dying and isn’t now. How cool is that????
Leo, an old disagreement with a good friend is festering—why not fix it up this week? Once you realize how silly the whole thing was, you can go back to business as usual: i.e., drinking vats of brandy, blue curacao, and white creme de cacao (equal parts) with cream and lemon juice (trust me—also equal parts) over ice. But the two of you will have to talk first, so try to do that before you get the cocktail shaker out.
Virgo, if you’re in a helping profession, the stars forecast good times ahead. Yes, people will keep bugging you for stuff, and yes, you’ll still be underpaid. But other things—tangential things—will be good. For instance, you’ll gain a secret admirer (okay, this could be a stalker). You’ll also have a nutty yuccaflux party for all your co-workers. So find a bunch of fruit and invite everybody to bring whatever…brandy, rum, whisky, Benedictine…Trust me, yuccaflux is best with no rules.
After some drunken soul-searching you’ll discover you dislike your job, Libra. Like, a lot. In fact, you’re doing a lot of shit you never had any intention of doing. Start putting out feelers before you go apeshit; it’s far easier to get a job when you have a job. If you have a LinkedIn profile, perhaps you should tidy it up and make it more professional. If, for instance, you type a blog for a drunken bear but also want to be hired for serious freelance jobs, perhaps you shouldn’t mention that blog. Trust me. As for booze? The stars have you mixing equal parts Bushmill’s Irish Whisky and Bailey’s Irish Cream. What could go wrong?
No more relaxing, Scorpio. Key words are consolidation, responsibility, and accountability. Clear up old projects and hide any past f#ck-ups. Strive single-mindedly at least until August. Keep your buzz minimal and tone down that boozy aura by adding filling mixers like cream to your rum. Remember: If you put it in a coffee, you’re still ready for work. Trust me.
The next few months mark an exploration of your spiritual side, Sagittarius, unless of course you are an atheist, in which case you will have to stick with the (ha!) merely numinous or wig out watching reruns of Cosmos. Try not to get into any interviews with Wolf Blitzer; he will ask you why you’re not engaged in God-bothering when you’re busy trying to get the vodka/vermouth balance exactly right and debating olive vs twist.
It’s time to make a change, Capricorn, but it has to be a quick change. No thinking is called for. This is an excellent time to take over unceremoniously, insisting your instincts are bang-on and that qualifications are for pussies. You’ll exude so much energy and confidence that your whole team will applaud your coup d’etat and commence serving you elaborate drinks such as this one:
- 4 oz Bacardi 151
- 3 oz creme de coconut (the very stuff of a good dictatorship)
- 3 oz Kahlua
- 3 oz white creme de cacao
- 3 oz cream
Yeah, they want you to pass out so things can go back to normal.
Aquarius, you’re in for a remarkable week. Constellations are swirling into place and granting you extra powers. You’ll have radar for scammers and stamina when the shit starts hitting the fan (Tuesday). Do your best to keep self-doubt at bay, Aquarius; in August you’ll realize you were right about everything. You’ll also get lucky this week. So start pouring Benedictine and brandy, because that’s what the stars say to do. And how could insensate balls of fiery gas know that? Trust me, they know somehow.
Pisces, you’re starting to feel as though you share a brain with your co-workers; that’s how tickety-boo everything is going. This isn’t like you, Pisces; of all the signs you are the Master of the Cardboard Box, but hang with it because it seems to be working. You might even persuade deadbeats who owe you money to send a cheque. That would be awesome because then you could buy two different varieties of brandy plus some Bitters. Yeah! A proper bar at last. You deserve it, Pisces.
My Fellow Inebriates,
Your booze horoscope is still a mess. I have to admit, dry weekdays are totally getting me down. I can’t even get up in the mornings, never mind figure out what the stars have to say. But finally—the weekend having officially been kicked off—I have a glass of wine in my paw, and the stars are forecasting. (But they are still full of shit.)
Aries, be careful with first impressions this week. It’s fine to be nude at home, but it’s no way to greet new acquaintances. You can stay in touch with your spiritual side without swinging your thing(s) around in public. In fact, you can change mentally. People are starting to recognize depth in you that wasn’t visible before. Could it be that you’re lucid this week? You got it, Aries, you’re this week’s Designated Driver.
Taurus, we all have responsibilities, and lately you’ve been keeping tabs on everybody else’s. Let go of the urge to compare, Taurus—you know other people are often douchebags and they will get away with whatever they can. It doesn’t have anything to do with you and your own objectives. Once you stop monitoring other people, you’ll feel free to go after what you want in life—i.e., Smirnoff with triple sec and Mountain Dew.
Gemini, your week promises to be free of f#ck-ups. If you play a sport, you’ll excel in it. If you go trawling the bars for a hook-up, you’ll find it. You might even get a job this week—but only if you book your interviews for the morning (assuming you can hold off till afternoon to pound that vodka-tequila shot). Life is good.
Cancer, crappy times are finally ending and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As you transition to a happier, saner life phase, people will seem more warm and colorful, and sleep will come more easily than it has in months. But life won’t be perfect! Something in your house will break (the stars don’t know what; they are just stupid balls of gas so they can’t be specific). And an Aquarius will be skulking around—maybe even stalking you. Do NOT share your Captain Morgan Tattoo with this person. Pour some Dr. Pepper into it and slam it back alone.
Leo, you’ll espy something beautiful and be overcome with desire. Whether an objet d’art or a pricey Champagne, you’ll insist on having it immediately, with no regard for financial consequences. But you should save some money this week, Leo, because something in your house will go on the fritz. Maybe an appliance, maybe your computer. That’s the thing about the stars; they like to be unspecific so they can say they were right—especially if you take their prediction as license to go apeshit-drunk in your house and wreck something.
You’ll encounter a stranger this week, Virgo, but a combination of peach schnapps, amaretto, Southern Comfort, and apple schnapps will ensure the two of you do not remain strangers. And the plot will thicken as you discover mutual acquaintances, enmeshing you in a prematurely complicated relationship. Who knows—maybe the two of you are even long-lost siblings? (Ew.) Your new involvement will keep your thoughts occupied all week, and maybe that’s a good thing.
Libra, you’ve got nuthin’ going on this week. The stars have literally nothing to say about your chart—nothing out of whack, no nutjob stalkers, no strangers stepping into your steamy shower. For some people a
boring calm week is a comfort. For you…? Oh, for crying out loud, at least mix yourself a bizarre cocktail. Blend this up with two cups of ice:
- 3 oz creme de menthe
- 3 oz cinnamon schnapps
- 2 oz cream
- 20 of those little cinnamon hearts that hurt your tongue
Memory lane reaches out this week, Scorpio, especially if you are over 40 years old. Whatever age you felt best at, you’ll behave accordingly. And if you’re a young Scorpio with no drunken good times yet racked up, why not bust out this week? Either way, a lot of Scorpios will get involved in feats of immaturity this week. Mellow out afterwards with equal parts Kahlua, Bailey’s, and Frangelico (unless your drunken activities land you in jail, in which case…I once saw this movie in which a character made Merlot in the toilet, so you probably can too).
Sagittarius, negotiations look excellent this week, especially for big-ticket loans like mortgages. Don’t be afraid! You can make the payments, although you may have to settle for cheaper gin and whiskey. The stars see you sitting on your new porch drinking a Bud and telling yourself you like it. That’s awesome! It’s the North American dream. And you’ll have lots of friends too, but you must remember to phone them.
If you’re having a tough week, Capricorn, you should consider telling a stranger about it. There’s no sense laying all your shit on a friend or relative; find somebody on the subway and tell them all about your hemorrhoids. Then again, you could see a doctor, but a medical professional might tell you to lay off the Scotch. And for a final piece of astrological randomness…buy someone some flowers.
Aquarius, a nagging problem has started to seem insurmountable. Even when you read about global misfortunes in the newspaper, you still feel whiny and sorry for yourself. Perhaps you need a bizarre sexual adventure; these can be great distractions, and they tend to dovetail nicely with Cointreau and triple sec. Post the pics on FB.
Pisces, you’ll realize suddenly that you have been pretending—who knows for how long? Check yourself out in the mirror and look at all the things that have happened to you. OMG, was that bit there before? What about that pendulous thing? What is it exactly? Realizations such as these are the bane of the sober mind. The antidote is a tub of Sangria, so find some crappy Cab and throw a bunch of brandy and fruit into it. Or hell, just drink the wine.
My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, someone close to you is having a birthday soon—don’t forget! Seriously, you’ve been having some badass memory blackouts, so put the date in your phone or something. Buy a nice present and show up sober. You guessed it—you’re the zodiac’s Designated Driver this week. Yay, you! The stars know you totally hate having this honor, but somebody’s got to do it. Pour yourself some chocolate milk.
Taurus, you can’t escape the weight of responsibility this week. You’ve been procrastinating for days, and there’s a big pile of work waiting for you. Think of ways to cut corners and get it done fast. But hold off on the Kahlua until you finish; it’s genuinely difficult to do a project when you’re shitfaced. Reward yourself afterwards with a drink. The stars wonder if you are sore from masturbating so much.
Gemini, you seem sure of yourself but it is all an act. Feel free to keep it up this week; people like you better when you’re pretending to be someone else. You’ll attract a Capricorn on Tuesday or Wednesday. This person is very fond of thongs, and also enjoys brandy with lime juice, bitters, and club soda. Stock up your bar and your underwear drawer.
Cancer, you may anticipate an easy week, but you’re dreaming. You’ll run out of money and spend the weekend consoling yourself by draining your liquor cabinet—say goodbye to your stockpile of Maker’s Mark and Grand Marnier. When the hell did you buy artichoke liqueur? Oh well, it’s gone now. Pick yourself up on Saturday and go somewhere. Don’t worry; you’ll meet someone nice.
Leo, you’re conflicted about relationships. Fact is, you don’t know what you want: a fling? or something serious? And the dilemma won’t get resolved this week. In fact, it will bother you until at least July, when you’ll discover how excellent gin is for quelling this sort of ambivalence. Mix it up (a lot of it) with some Forbidden Fruit liqueur and you won’t care about relationships at all.
You need a martini, Virgo, or you won’t be able to stop worrying about a certain purchase you made recently. That thing you bought doesn’t really work properly, but you’re too embarrassed to return it to the store. Hell, it was embarrassing enough buying it in the first place. Nor do you know anyone who’d want such an item, or admit to wanting it, or admit to wanting it and still want it after you’ve used it. Nah, you’ll have to attempt a return to the store. Get drunk first and stagger over there (on foot of course).
Libra, be careful about contracts this week; someone wants to take advantage of you financially. If you must sign something, read the small print carefully (while not pie-eyed on Sambuca and Bailey’s, okay?) and sign only when you’re sure you understand everything. Get lots of sleep before any meetings. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t sound like you’ll be pounding too many of those shooters this week. (Sigh.)
You have no interesting in maintaining relationships of no benefit to you, Scorpio. This is a position of strength—take no crap from anyone! You are a nice person who deserves the best. Right now you can’t decide whether you hate people or love them. Do you want to hole up by yourself or dance naked on a table? This is the sort of decision best left up to tequila.
Sagittarius, you’ll experience some hallucinations this week, both auditory and visual. Try to get some friends to corroborate what you’re experiencing. If you’re seeing weird shit, it might be because the weird shit is really there. Nevertheless, try to keep your head somewhat clear—nothing stronger than Guinness for you. Oh yeah, and don’t let anybody drive you anywhere. When you’re hallucinating, the bus is much more fun.
Somebody has a crush on you, Capricorn, a crush that will be revealed most awkwardly and inopportunely. You’ll be surprised this person feels so strongly about you; you’ve never really liked him/her and now the raw truth is before you (and probably all your colleagues and your spouse too). The best bromide for an awkward moment is gin—six ounces or so.
Aquarius, you’re on a roll socially, so you can get away with being drunk for the whole week. You feel lucky to be you and to have so many good friends and such relative wealth. Every single day someone will hit on you. You are indeed the envy of the zodiac. Take your joy to the next level with lashings of Everclear and Captain Morgan.
Pisces, while cleaning out your closets you’ll find an old photograph of someone you once cared deeply for. You’ll end up sitting among the cobwebs sobbing for your lost relationship, not to mention your lost youth. OMG, Pisces, does every week have to be pathetic? Come on, you need a happy drink:
- 3 oz white rum
- 1/2 oz creme de bananes
- A whole bunch of difference juices (totally optional, especially given your state of mind)