My fellow inebriates,
I got caught trying to get the vanilla extract bottle open today. I thought it would be an inexpensive alternative to the zero booze we currently have in our house—it’s 35 or 40 percent alcohol, so I thought: Why not? cheap substitute, right?
My mother almost skinned me alive when she saw me with the vanilla. Apparently that teeny tiny bottle we have in our cupboard is worth almost 20 bucks!
$18.49 at our local grocery store
Vanilla prices have tripled in the last three years because supply is way down. Between 2005 and 2014 it was so overabundant that farmers in tropical countries burned down their vanilla vines to make way for other crops. The upshot is a vanilla shortage that’s hitting everybody’s pocketbooks.
So, my bad. It’s not like I managed to get the bottle open anyway, with my nubby little paws. And Miss V, who has sampled the vanilla, says it tastes more horrible than almost anything, so oh well.
Scarybear and Blackie Bear are a bit concerned about the cookie situation though.
Stay tuned as I hunt for more alcohol substitutes, my friends.
My two brain cells subscribe to the Big Think newsletter and today they learned that scientists have successfully re-animated the brains of dead pigs. By using heaters, pumps and artificial blood, a scientific team from Yale University managed to restore partial brain function to the brains of more than 100 recently beheaded pigs.
My fellow inebriates, I only have partial brain function! These zombie pigs are probably having much more complex thoughts than yours truly. Like: Wait a sec, I was going through this tunnel toward a bright light, and WTF, man, now I’m a brain in a box?
There are probably a bunch of ethical questions we should be asking. For me, the main question is: What should we do with the rest of the pig?
Betty Crocker says we should make Bacon Infused Vodka. All you need is 2 tbsp. bacon fat (zombie or regular), a 375-mL bottle of vodka and a mason jar. Shake it up, let it sit for 6 hours, then freeze. Then use a cheesecloth (I don’t know what that is so I’ll use one of my dad’s socks), and there you have it!
Not gross at all. Photo: Betty Crocker
MFI, I hope you’ll try this and tell me all about it. Apparently there are a lot headless pigs out there that you can use, so get busy!
Twitter scared the bejesus out of me today with a link to The Lancet, a somewhat more highly regarded publication than this blog, which has published a massive meta-analysis of almost 600,000 alcohol drinkers in 83 studies.
I don’t have the attention span or the mental capacity to read a study like this, so I just scrolled through my Twitter feed, and this is what I learned:
- Nineteen countries disagree about the ideal limit for alcohol (assuming you want optimal health, and who knows, you might not)
- Men who drink less than 100g of alcohol per week can expect to live one to two years longer than men who drink twice that amount
- Women who drink less than 100g of alcohol per week can expect to live 1.3 years longer than women who drink more than 100g of alcohol per week
- Beer drinkers, spirits drinkers, and binge drinkers have the highest mortality risk
- The ideal weekly drink limit is twice as much for men as it is for women (11 vs. 5!)
- Exceeding the ideal weekly drink limit could shorten your lifespan by 30 minutes!!!!
So OMG, people, there’s so much to unpack here.
- First of all, isn’t a lancet a kind of stabby thing for taking blood samples? This prestigious journal didn’t have to be named The Lancet. It could have been named The Scalpel or The Retractor or The Bonesaw. Just saying.
- Second, we need to move to Spain, Italy, or Portugal, where recommended drinks/week are 50 per cent higher. Whee!
- Third, how are we to compare the findings for women and men as compacted into understandable bullet points by the Twitterverse? I mean, I only have two brain cells.
- Fourth, wait till my mum finds out she’s not supposed to match my dad drink for drink. She’s gonna freak.
- Fifth, we can’t binge?
- Sixth, ummm, 30 minutes? That’s like three episodes of Mike Tyson Mysteries. Does it matter? I guess it depends whether we’re caught up on Netflix or not.