midori melon

ASTROLIQUOR for May 17–23, already in progress!

Okay, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone totally off the rails. I pleaded with my typist to dump the paid work in favor of this, your guide to the week’s alcohol consumption. But you try reasoning with either of my parents. So here’s a quickie. (Sometimes a quickie is a good thing.)

Aries:

I haven’t seen Snapple at the store in a long time, but the stars want you to get some Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple and liquor it up with Malibu. You’re welcome.

Taurus:

The stars think you should combine gin and vodka (it’s a travesty, just have gin) with 7-Up, lemon juice, and lime juice. Seriously, just gin.

Gemini:

Butterscotch schnapps and Crown Royal. Everyone has those on hand, right?

Cancer:

You get something elaborate to keep you busy. And it will be an appetizing grey-blue if you shake it up correctly: 3 oz Raspberry Stolichnaya, 10 oz margarita mix, 2 oz Blue Curacao, and 2 oz creme de cassis. It will look gross but get you shitfaced.

Leo:

You need a nice hot laced coffee. Pour in some brandy, all the kinds of rum you have, plus froufrou stuff like cinnamon sticks and brown sugar. Yum. You are definitely not going in to work.

Virgo:

Party, party…Midori Melon, Cointreau, vodka, and whatever citrus juice-type things you can rastle up.

Libra:

Absolut. That is all, unless you want to add some lemon.

Scorpio:

Three things: Aftershock Cinnamon, rum, and triple sec. Copious quantities. If it’s too shocking, add some soda.

Sagittarius:

Got some cherry vodka? Shake it with some sloe gin, dry vermouth, and optional pineapple juice. Who needs juice anyway?

Capricorn:

Aha, Southern Comfort rears its ugly head in your star chart. Equal parts sloe gin and amaretto…ahhhh!

Aquarius:

What to do with something as unpalatable and corrosive as Coca-Cola? Why, add Jack Daniel’s and Wild Turkey of course.

Pisces:

Hypnotiq…we have never purchased this at LBHQ, to my great chagrin. The stars command equal parts Hypnotiq and Sprite, plus a report to LBHQ of whatever shenanigans ensue.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 3-6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I won’t be able to sleep if the horoscope is late one more time. Just thinking of you all embarking on your weekends without astrological booze guidance…OMG.

Aries, whatever your ride happens to be, it will need repairs this week. What better reason to fill up on vodka? You’ll be safely out of traffic, so go ahead. Don’t be surprised if none of your emails make sense while you’re pickled, though. You will probably miss an important one from a distant relative with some surprising news, which you’ll read in a drunken haze and not remember. You’ll also pick somebody up on Sunday and not remember that either.

Taurus, get into vacation-planning mode. If you research carefully, you’ll find something cozy and romantic—without blowing your booze budget. Although finances continue to be tight, you can’t afford to put your holiday off; you are a good candidate to go postal. Find a way to calm down before your trip. Cinnamon schnapps tossed into a pint of cider?

Gemini, chores are calling out to you but you’re fantastic at ignoring them. By the end of the week every piece of furniture in your house will be festooned with dirty underwear and dark…brown stains…which are actually chocolate, because this is the week you learn how to make pudding shots. Here’s how you do it:

  • 1 package Jell-O chocolate pudding
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Jose Cuervo
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2 cups frozen fake whipped topping

Mix all the liquids and fold in the fake whipped topping. Whisk it up and freeze in little containers (like the ones you put crackers in for the kids’ lunches). Be careful, these cause stains.

Cancer, your persecution complex will intensify this week despite good weather and plenty of supportive friends. One of the root causes is your lack of money. You enjoy spending generously and it kills you that you can’t invite the whole neighborhood over when you mix up a vat of Malibu and Captain Morgan mango rum. Hang in there; you’ll receive a bonus in June. The liquor store staff will be pleased to see you again.

Leo, you are very fortunate but sometimes you can’t see it. Pay attention to others this week and you’ll see how comparatively well-off you are. And while you’re watching these other people, one of them will catch your interest. This will develop into a sordid but lukewarm adventure involving a cocktail known as Rooster Piss. (Stock up on Jack Daniel’s and cinnamon schnapps.)

Virgo, you’re good at finishing projects you set out to do, and this week you’ll tie off many loose ends, impressing your family and colleagues. You’ll even attract romantic interest on Sunday, making this just about your most successful week of 2013. You deserve to get hammered. Equal parts Firewater, Wild Turkey, and Southern Comfort for you. Yeah!

Libra, you’ll have a bar fight with an Aries this week. Luckily it will peter out quickly, leaving you both to reel off in search of another bar, and, finding only one, sitting down together there and bonding. How touching, Libra—don’t you wish all your brawls were so socially productive? Dare your new friend to try a nasty shot: peach schnapps, milk, and grenadine.

Relax this week, Scorpio. If you chill out for a while, you’ll be able to prioritize tasks better and even blow some of them off. No work this weekend, say the stars—in fact, tack Monday on and make it a three-day rest. Find some friends and start pouring creme de menthe with vodka. Before bedtime, this drink is a plausible substitute for brushing your teeth (take the weekend off that too).

Sagittarius, solid foods are overrated, and the stars feel you should divert some grocery money to alcohol. Is your bar equipped with rum and tequila? Stock it up with essentials and take a pass on food. When you bow to the porcelain altar later, you’ll appreciate the lack of chunks. Sunday’s the best day for your love life.

Even though you’re looking and listening, Capricorn, you’re not processing what you see and hear. Don’t beat yourself up—this is inevitable with a headful of Midori Melon, sloe gin, Absolut, Southern Comfort, and Chambord. You may not be able to take notes on a lecture, but you sure know how to mix a drink. And let’s face it, that’s what matters.

Aquarius, you are exceptionally influential this week. Colleagues willingly become your lackeys, and you won’t hear one dissenting voice at work. It’s as though your eyes are spirals… This is a powerful way to operate, and it will last as long as you hang on to some sobriety. As soon as you mix that lovely combination of vodka, amaretto, and butterscotch schnapps in a cocktail shaker with ice, your will to dominate will disappear. Hmmm. Have you mixed it yet?

Someone is watching you, Pisces, but your neurons are marinating in vanilla schnapps; you don’t even notice this interesting new person. You do get the sense that you are being stalked, however—above and beyond your usual levels of paranoia. Try to sober up a bit and pay attention. Your admirer, a Capricorn, is just as permanently drunk as you. Unless you trip over each other, you’ll continue like two ships in the night. Two freaking wasted ships.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 26 to May 3, already in progress—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Once again the horoscope hasn’t come together on time, leaving you on your own to decide what to drink this week. Are you okay so far?  (I bet you are.)

Aries, you’ve recovered from an embarrassing ailment and now you’re feeling tip-top. Extra sleep has helped you, and perhaps even sobriety as well. But who can keep that shit up? Here’s your drink:

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Southern Comfort
  • 2 oz grenadine
  • 2 oz sloe gin
  • 2 oz triple sec

Add a whole bunch of orange, cranberry, and pineapple juice—say, 4 oz each. Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker and you’ll be back to normal in no time.

Taurus, it’s “opposite week” for you, as you determinedly do exactly the opposite of what everyone says. Pretty normal for Taurus, only you’re in turbo mode this week. Shirk all responsibilities and run away from work. Toss your obligations in the toilet and celebrate with a Tidy Bowl: three parts vodka to one part Blue Curacao. Shake and swirl it with ice until cold, then (gratuitously enough) float four to six raisins in your concoction.

Gemini, thong season is making you insecure about your body. But your embarrassment goes beyond the physical; you are feeling generally inadequate. This happens to everybody, and the best cure is always getting drunk. But in such a self-flagellating mode, you might as well choose a punishing drink. That way you can exorcise your bad self-talk in one bracing go. I’m thinking Jagermeister with butterscotch schnapps and Coke. Yeah.

Cancer, don’t turn a blind eye to your financial strain. If you keep pissing away your paycheque you’ll be cadging drinks by June. As for July and August, thank goodness those months are warm (at least around here) because you might be sleeping outside. If you think I’m talking about my dad, who is a Cancer, I’m not. My dad needs to go out and blow all our money on alcohol right now. I’m talking about you other Cancers in the world. The stars advise you to buy a cheaper brand of bourbon. And what the hell—some cheap rum too. And maybe some Jagermeister. Say hi to my dad if you run into him.

Leo, the stars will test your relationships this week. Maybe you should just jettison the ones you don’t care about right now; it beats some of the more embarrassing alternatives. What alternatives? you ask. You know, Leo. Beating the shit out of each other on the sidewalk outside a bar, for instance. Putting away a litre of vodka and prancing around in a thong in front of someone who is not into you. Stuff like that.

Slow down, Virgo, or you’ll miss out on something monumental this week. Take time to perambulate and notice small details. The world doesn’t need you to be productive this week; in fact, most people won’t notice if you put away a few drinks behind the desk. The key is to take it slow. Here’s a luxurious libation you can sip:

  • 1 oz Bailey’s
  • 1 oz creme de menthe (buy the green kind)
  • 1 oz Frangelico

Libra, the stars hereby order you to leave the computer. Your eyes are rectangular from all your recent screen time, and meanwhile the real world suffers because you’re not participating in it. Okay, maybe it doesn’t suffer, but you could use some Vitamin D. You could also use a  Bacardi 151–inspired adventure. Mix equal parts vodka and coffee brandy, pour rum on top and light on fire (just for a second or you’ll lose too much booze).

Initiative will reward you socially, Scorpio. Don’t wait for friends to email you; most of your friends are really flaky and won’t bother. Send them a crazy message detailing some wildly irrational behavior in which you’re engaged right now—and which they’re missing out on. Now you’ve set the scene in motion, you’d better start doing something fun or your friends will arrive expecting madness and find you sitting at the kitchen table or trimming your nose hairs or something. Can’t think of anything wild to do? This will help:

  • 2 oz Jagermeister
  • 2 oz cinnamon schnapps
  • 2 oz Kahlua

Sagittarius, life will mistreat you this week. At times you’ll feel persecuted. But compare the present with, say, a decade ago. Chances are you’re much wiser and more successful now. Don’t you wish you could get into a time machine, go back ten years, and kick your young self’s ass? Ride out this bad week with lashings of vodka, Midori Melon, and Bacardi 151. You’ll need some limes with that.

Expect a message from an old contact, Capricorn—a curious message with suspicious subtext. Whether it’s harmless the stars don’t know; stars are just stupid balls of gas, after all. But do think twice about reuniting because this person has probably, over the last decade, turned into a total nutbag. Even though you’ll be hammered when you receive the message (email or text—again, the stars are too stupid to furnish details) on an elaborate concoction of Scotch, creme de menthe, Kahlua, Bailey’s, and black tea, you’re still a Capricorn, damn it, and that means you’ll have the presence of mind to ignore it. Completely as an aside, and totally unrelated, on Sunday you will score sexually.

Aquarius, the renovation bug attacks this week, but the time isn’t quite right. Maybe you should just buy one piece of furniture or a tasteful work of art. Whatever you end up doing, try to follow the Feng Shui rules, and don’t operate any nail guns, glue guns, or chainsaws you happen to find lying on the next-door neighbor’s lawn (beneath a sign that says “All Free”) if you have already consumed a bottle of Bacardi. And no, Red Bull will not sober you up; it will just make your vomit more colorful.

Pisces, the moon’s influence is optimal for making life-changing plans. Whether you follow those plans is another story. The stars think you’ll distract yourself from taking any action—perhaps with video games, or maybe the quest to make the perfect Sangria. This latter pursuit is a good one for you, Pisces. You probably have a good collection of cheap but barely drinkable wine bought on a Pisces-type budget. Or you may have vodka instead, in which case your Sangria is actually yukaflux, and that’s the best way to bring summer on.