Move over FRESHMAN-15 … here comes the COVID-19

My fellow inebriates,

We’ve been self-isolating for over a month.

My mum is starting to catastrophize about lack of exercise and weight gain.

D2015 weight gain during self-isolation

I told her she should relax with a drink, but she said that would just make things worse.

Would it?

Corona continues to do just fine thanks to my neighbour

My fellow inebriates,

Last month I published what turned out to be a rumour—that Corona beer sales have nosedived because of coronavirus associations.

Turns out I was wrong! Constellation Brands, which owns Corona, saw a 9% rise in stock value last week. Although the COVID-19 pandemic has shaken things up a bit for Corona (including brewery closures in Mexico), there is apparently enough inventory to weather the crisis. According to Constellation, more than 85% of Corona sales are made to individual buyers, not bars or restaurants, so sheltering in place won’t harm it too much.

Looks like one of my neighbours is helping.

D2012 Corona empties

Why the Easter Bunny is an essential service

My fellow inebriates,

Yesterday Ontario Premier Doug Ford declared the Easter Bunny an essential worker, assuring children there would still be chocolates on Easter morning. This followed similar assurances by New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern about both the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, and was quickly seconded by the premiers of Winnipeg and Quebec.

The Tooth Fairy is, of course, creepy.

But in the case of the Easter Bunny—especially when delivering booze-filled eggs (okay, that’s never happened in our house but I keep hoping for it)—this type of news is exactly what kids need to hear.

Okay, maybe not our kids. Now 12 and 14 years old respectively, their message to the Easter Bunny is: “Just put all the stuff on the kitchen table.” But for all the innocent, not-yet-cynical little kids who whose pandemic-related anxiety could only be surpassed by the threat that the Easter Bunny might not show up to hide eggs throughout their houses, it’s good to know our provincial governments are recognizing the necessity of magic and joy.

Over to you, Justin Trudeau. Can we expect a Canada-wide declaration this morning?