CLANCY’S LEGENDARY WHITE 2009 SEMILLON/SAUVIGNON. I don’t know how legendary it is, but this Peter Lehmann white blend is innocuous and fun. Almost a silly wine, but appropriate at times, especially if you’re serving it as a prelude to ouzo shots later. RECOMMEND.
COUSINO-MACULANTIGUASRESERVAS CABERNET SAUVIGNON 2007. Respectable Chilean cab serves up serious grapes grown for maximum sun exposure. A genuine red that shows no evidence of cheating by addition of sugar – vintners, you know who you are, and I might have to sic Cheer Bear on you. RECOMMEND.
GRANVILLEISLANDCYPRESSHONEY LAGER. For a beer that purports to contain honey, this is the most sour, disappointing swill imaginable. Light to the point of pointlessness, this beer is good for one thing only: getting lightweights drunk. RECOMMEND for that purpose.
JELL-O SHOOTERS. Whether it’s sliding down your throat or filling your bathtub, alcoholic jell-o should be an integral part of your life. RECOMMEND.
TRANSUBSTANTIATION!!! Why have we not mastered this indispensable process? Come on, scientists, apply yourselves! We KNOW it can be done; the Bible SAYS so.
VALLE LAS ACEQUIASMENDOZAMALBEC OAK (ARGENTINA 2005). Well behaved for a malbec — perhaps almost too much so for a bear whose terror of the washing machine cannot prevent him from soaking his paws in this luscious wine so he can enjoy it after certain humans have selfishly downed the bottle. RECOMMEND.
BALVENIE SIGNATURE 12-YEAR SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH. Mmmmmmmmmm…infused with sherry, this Scotch starts slightly floral then mellows into smoky caramel notes and then finishes dry. Divine. RECOMMEND.
NEWCASTLEBROWN ALE. Medium-bodied brew with a crisp hoppy burst followed by nutty notes. Its moderate alcohol content is its only downside. RECOMMEND.
What kind of person drinks tonic without gin??? My dad, that’s who.
CLINE ANCIENT VINES ZINFANDEL, 2008. Jammy and exuberant up front, this zin settles down nicely as you drink, developing into a smooth, drinkable, balanced wine. I wish we had some left over for breakfast. RECOMMEND.
LAPHROAIG 10-YEAR. If a well-meaning friend invited me to an AA meeting, this is what I’d take along in my flask. Delicately peaty with oaky dryness – a symphony of complex flavours in a big, big single-malt whisky. RECOMMEND.
BACARDI RUM. This is my first-thing-in-the-morning fave. I also like soak my fur in it and lick myself all day. RECOMMEND.
BECK’S BLUE ALCHOHOL-FREE BEER. Wrong, wrong, wrong. A sickening idea, really. RECOMMEND for putting out fires you accidentally set while making Jaegermeister waffles after acid-tripping all night.
STELLA ARTOIS. Nice strong lager chock-full of additives and thus a recipe for big headaches. That’s why Stella is so wonderful — it pushes you toward the hair of the dog sooner than societal mores might otherwise. RECOMMEND.
I was bored during Survivor, so I decided to do a sexy dance for my dad, but he pushed me away. I think he was really uncomfortable with it.
2006 WIRRA WIRRA CHURCH BLOCK CABERNET-MERLOT-SHIRAZ. Big and obvious — not disappointing at all for a little bear. The kind of wine you can drink all at once without feeling you should save it. RECOMMEND.
INNOCENT BYSTANDER 2008 PINOT NOIR. Simple, fruity, medium-bodied wine — so uncomplicated that it’s easy to forget you’re drinking it and lose track of how much you’ve had. Next thing you know you’re opening another. RECOMMEND.
VERAMONTE 2006 CABERNET SAUVIGNON RESERVA. Decent, full-bodied wine. Some would say it needs to sit for another year, but who in their right mind would let a good bottle languish when the opportunity exists to get swacked? RECOMMEND.
BLACK LABEL LAGER. Better than you’d expect, with crispness and good alcohol flavour. Excellent for shotgunning. RECOMMEND.
LABATT ICE BEER. Utterly ordinary lager, distinguishable only by the increased alcohol content achieved through the ingenious freezing of the beer to -4C so unnecessary water can be skimmed off as ice. RECOMMEND.
MOLSON ICE. Blander yet more metallic than Labatt ice, this beer nevertheless distinguishes itself with its higher ice-beer alcohol content. RECOMMEND when getting drunk fast is imperative.
COINTREAU. Almost as good straight up as Grand Marnier, although still not the “tumbler” drink that vodka or gin is. I like Cointreau when I’m already half-cut and have the DTs under control. And of course it goes great in a Cosmo. RECOMMEND.
CALONA VINEYARDS ROYAL RED. Comes in a big-ass bottle for cheap. Need I say more? Skip the nuance tonight. RECOMMEND.
MOLSON CANADIAN LAGER. Watery, bready and thoroughly average, but ideal for pounding at work when, depressingly, you’ve forgotten to bring a sandwich for lunch. RECOMMEND.
MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE. As a four-year-old bear, I feel I’m in the target market for this soft-drink-plus. Unfortunately any alcohol flavour is virtually hidden under the candy-lemon taste, but the stuff sneaks up on you and wrecks you if you have enough, so I do RECOMMEND it.
SILENT SAM. If you’re as terrified of going in the washing machine as I, this clear, minimalist vodka is for you. Minimal taste and smell mean it won’t offend you or your loved ones as it marinates your fur, and you’ll be able to tackle the rest of that 46er without retching. RECOMMEND.
WOLF BLASS YELLOW LABEL CABERNET SAUVIGNON. Warm, full-bodied, reliable red at a good price. Needs to open up, so decant it and devote 45 minutes or so to drinking a cheap white while you wait. RECOMMEND.
OUZO. Tastes as good coming up as it did going down. RECOMMEND, although it stains my fur.