science

Can you drink after the COVID-19 vaccine?

My fellow inebriates,

My dad has had his first dose of the vaccine, and my mum is on the list. As you know, bears need no vaccine because we are already petri dishes of jockeying germs, and COVID wouldn’t make a difference to us.

My dad got the shot shortly after having actual COVID, which kicked his ass for a good three weeks. Just as he was starting to recover, BAM! Pfizer kicked his ass with three bonus days of fever and sweats. All good now, though.

Perhaps needless to say, my dad wasn’t much of a party animal as we headed into spring. Where once I could rely on him to pour (and share) a beer or whiskey in the evening, COVID-infected Dad was no fun at all.

(To recap why I depend on my parents to open the bar, I have no thumbs.)

So now my mum’s about to get her jab, and she’s talking about abstaining from alcohol to maximize her immune response.

I immediately went to Google to find some evidence against this sort of extremist action.

The idea that alcohol could mess with immunity first surfaced in Russia, where a health official recommended abstaining two weeks before the vaccine and 42 days afterward. Russians were incensed by this of course.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

There is no evidence for this recommendation. No COVID/alcohol studies have been conducted. All we have to go on is the evidence from past studies on animals to see whether alcohol affected their immune responses after vaccination. Where do I sign up for one of those animal studies? (It helps to be a rat or a monkey.)

What evidence is there?

Subjects with alcohol use disorder have increased susceptibility to viral and bacterial infections. Moderate alcohol use is associated with an enhanced immune response.

Monkeys who were given all-access drinking privileges for seven months and whose blood/alcohol levels regularly exceeded 80 mg/ml had a lowered immune response. But monkeys who drank moderately had higher levels of antiviral cytokines.

So, Mum, moderate is the way to go. And moderate is okay. To be honest, I don’t need to see my you or Dad bust out these days—it would be embarrassing for everybody. Just pour yourself 1.5 oz. of something nice, and be ready to share it with this would-be experimental bear.

What to do with the rest of that zombie pig

My two brain cells subscribe to the Big Think newsletter and today they learned that scientists have successfully re-animated the brains of dead pigs. By using heaters, pumps and artificial blood, a scientific team from Yale University managed to restore partial brain function to the brains of more than 100 recently beheaded pigs.

PIg

WTF, man?

My fellow inebriates, I only have partial brain function! These zombie pigs are probably having much more complex thoughts than yours truly. Like: Wait a sec, I was going through this tunnel toward a bright light, and WTF, man, now I’m a brain in a box?

There are probably a bunch of ethical questions we should be asking. For me, the main question is: What should we do with the rest of the pig?

Betty Crocker says we should make Bacon Infused Vodka. All you need is 2 tbsp. bacon fat (zombie or regular), a 375-mL bottle of vodka and a mason jar. Shake it up, let it sit for 6 hours, then freeze. Then use a cheesecloth (I don’t know what that is so I’ll use one of my dad’s socks), and there you have it!

Bacon vodka

Not gross at all. Photo: Betty Crocker

MFI, I hope you’ll try this and tell me all about it. Apparently there are a lot headless pigs out there that you can use, so get busy!

Helping further grade two science

My Fellow Inebriates,

Miss P’s science project on the planet Venus is due in two days and we are starting to panic. Well, not me, and not really P… Really just Mum, who panics when the kids are two minutes late for school. If anyone ever needed a martini just before that morning walk, it’s our mother.

We’ve learned all kinds of crap about Venus today. I tried to help by compiling some of these boring facts and making them exciting.

  • venus5Venus is the only planet in the solar system to rotate clockwise. So the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. That’s why Venusians drink Tequila Sunsets at dawn and Tequila Sunrises at sundown.
  • A year on Venus (once around the sun) is 225 Earth days long, but a day on Venus (one rotation) is 243 days. Whoa! So, like, you’d get less excited about having a birthday on Venus than you would about having, well, a day. If you ask me (and no one has) this would be a real mind-f#ck and just one additional reason to spend your Venusian life ripped out of your head.
  • Venus is super-hot because of its thick, insulating cloud layer. Venusians almost never drink hot toddies; they are more the G&T type. In fact, they might be the reason my local booze shop has been out of Broker’s Gin for so long.
  • There are tons of volcanos on Venus. Plus super-high atmospheric pressure. All the more reason to seek refreshing beverages.

What? Lots of people think there's life on Venus...

What? Lots of people think there’s life on Venus…

Thus was I coaching P until Mum overheard and told me to get lost. She said, for the last time, there are no damn Venusians and if anyone starts screaming from the bunkbed tonight about aliens it will be my fault and she will volunteer me as the “comfort animal” indefinitely. OMG!