What to do with the rest of that zombie pig

My two brain cells subscribe to the Big Think newsletter and today they learned that scientists have successfully re-animated the brains of dead pigs. By using heaters, pumps and artificial blood, a scientific team from Yale University managed to restore partial brain function to the brains of more than 100 recently beheaded pigs.

PIg

WTF, man?

My fellow inebriates, I only have partial brain function! These zombie pigs are probably having much more complex thoughts than yours truly. Like: Wait a sec, I was going through this tunnel toward a bright light, and WTF, man, now I’m a brain in a box?

There are probably a bunch of ethical questions we should be asking. For me, the main question is: What should we do with the rest of the pig?

Betty Crocker says we should make Bacon Infused Vodka. All you need is 2 tbsp. bacon fat (zombie or regular), a 375-mL bottle of vodka and a mason jar. Shake it up, let it sit for 6 hours, then freeze. Then use a cheesecloth (I don’t know what that is so I’ll use one of my dad’s socks), and there you have it!

Bacon vodka

Not gross at all. Photo: Betty Crocker

MFI, I hope you’ll try this and tell me all about it. Apparently there are a lot headless pigs out there that you can use, so get busy!

Helping further grade two science

My Fellow Inebriates,

Miss P’s science project on the planet Venus is due in two days and we are starting to panic. Well, not me, and not really P… Really just Mum, who panics when the kids are two minutes late for school. If anyone ever needed a martini just before that morning walk, it’s our mother.

We’ve learned all kinds of crap about Venus today. I tried to help by compiling some of these boring facts and making them exciting.

  • venus5Venus is the only planet in the solar system to rotate clockwise. So the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. That’s why Venusians drink Tequila Sunsets at dawn and Tequila Sunrises at sundown.
  • A year on Venus (once around the sun) is 225 Earth days long, but a day on Venus (one rotation) is 243 days. Whoa! So, like, you’d get less excited about having a birthday on Venus than you would about having, well, a day. If you ask me (and no one has) this would be a real mind-f#ck and just one additional reason to spend your Venusian life ripped out of your head.
  • Venus is super-hot because of its thick, insulating cloud layer. Venusians almost never drink hot toddies; they are more the G&T type. In fact, they might be the reason my local booze shop has been out of Broker’s Gin for so long.
  • There are tons of volcanos on Venus. Plus super-high atmospheric pressure. All the more reason to seek refreshing beverages.
What? Lots of people think there's life on Venus...

What? Lots of people think there’s life on Venus…

Thus was I coaching P until Mum overheard and told me to get lost. She said, for the last time, there are no damn Venusians and if anyone starts screaming from the bunkbed tonight about aliens it will be my fault and she will volunteer me as the “comfort animal” indefinitely. OMG!

Obviously, we need more science in our community

My Fellow Inebriates,

When a pair of friendly Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on our door this week to regale us about the miracles of our 6000-year-old planet, whose majestic Grand Canyon sprang up in a geologic nanosecond, it was obvious we need more science in our lives, especially out here in Langley.

chemistry-shot-glasses

It’s important to be precise with your measurements, as my mother stressed to our visitors. She offered them some books on evolution, but they said they already had their own, so why would they need to read further?

I told her she should have invited them in to do shots with us.