3 reasons NOT to make hand sanitizer with vodka

My fellow inebriates,

It’s come to my attention that people are using vodka to make hand sanitizer.

This appalling waste of good liquor has prompted me to end my hiatus and tackle some rampant myths.

  1. “The stores are out of hand sanitizer, so I need to buy it on Amazon for $400 or make my own.”

Wrong. Purell has stepped up production. Soon you’ll have all the hand sanitizer you want.

Purell Twitter - Mar 11, 2020

But it’s still not as effective as washing your hands with soap.

  1. “Hand sanitizer is the best thing for killing viruses such as COVID-19.”

Wrong. Hand sanitizer is for situations where soap and water aren’t available or convenient. The Center for Disease Control recommends washing with soap because it’s more effective.

  1. “I feel like I need hand sanitizer anyway, so I’m going to make my own with vodka.”

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. For one thing, hand sanitizer is made with a solution of at least 60% alcohol, and as my parents have reminded me many times, it’s not the drinking kind. The higher the alcohol percentage, the more effective hand sanitizer is – which means your 80-proof vodka isn’t going to cut it. Better save that Grey Goose and its yummy 40% alcohol for a martini.

summer_cocktail-wallpaper-1440x900.jpg

So that’s my public service for today, my fellow inebriates. Don’t waste your vodka, and wash your hands. Of course, that’s useless advice for me, a furry bear. I’m going to stop “Purell tasting” and make myself scarce before my mum puts me in the washing machine.

The Oatmeal figures out my Friday

The Oatmeal is pure genius. http://theoatmeal.com/

Only problem: no booze at Canadian Costco. Now I have to write to my MP again.

What to do with the rest of that zombie pig

My two brain cells subscribe to the Big Think newsletter and today they learned that scientists have successfully re-animated the brains of dead pigs. By using heaters, pumps and artificial blood, a scientific team from Yale University managed to restore partial brain function to the brains of more than 100 recently beheaded pigs.

PIg

WTF, man?

My fellow inebriates, I only have partial brain function! These zombie pigs are probably having much more complex thoughts than yours truly. Like: Wait a sec, I was going through this tunnel toward a bright light, and WTF, man, now I’m a brain in a box?

There are probably a bunch of ethical questions we should be asking. For me, the main question is: What should we do with the rest of the pig?

Betty Crocker says we should make Bacon Infused Vodka. All you need is 2 tbsp. bacon fat (zombie or regular), a 375-mL bottle of vodka and a mason jar. Shake it up, let it sit for 6 hours, then freeze. Then use a cheesecloth (I don’t know what that is so I’ll use one of my dad’s socks), and there you have it!

Bacon vodka

Not gross at all. Photo: Betty Crocker

MFI, I hope you’ll try this and tell me all about it. Apparently there are a lot headless pigs out there that you can use, so get busy!