As an Aries your first order of business should be to figure out the exact number of drinks that makes you intolerable and then STAY UNDER IT. In practice you do the opposite. You’re the asshole who keeps a flask in your desk drawer, showing up to meetings half in the bag and taking credit for everyone else’s work. As a drinker you’re impatient—you’ll ram your way past sobriety into the prick zone with tequila shots until a bar fight finds you. And it always does!
Your drink is TEQUILA.
Because sometimes you’re a dickhead, Aries.
Irish cream was invented for hedonistic gluttons like you, Taurus, and you’re shameless about slurping it—off yourself, off others, out of a smelly shoe if need be. You favor caloric drinks to sop up the alcohol, which means never quite pass out. You spend long evenings boring the shit out of your drinking pals, ranting about handbags and luxury vacations, and farting prodigiously.
Your drink is IRISH CREAM.
Because you’re the most greedy-ass sign in the zodiac.
You’re a versatile drinker, Gemini, and not quite smart enough to resist a dare. You love neon-tinted drinks that make your split personality glow in the dark. The good half of you is adventurous and fun, with a healthy love of nudity and oversharing. The bad half is an incest-loving freak with a penchant for tearing through bars ordering shots for all and then running out on the bill.
Your drink is the APPLETINI.
Because you’re the flakiest sign in the whole zodiac.
Intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can get maudlin after a couple of drinks. One minute you’re toasting the few friends who’ll tolerate you; next minute you’re dripping tears and snot over your companions, sobbing out a graphic account of your sexual misadventures. You’re at your best as a sensitive listener—too bad you can’t hear yourself. You definitely have a box of wine under your bed.
Your drink is BOXED WINE.
Because you gotta cheer up, Cancer.
Leo, you love the spotlight and spend a lot of time performing drunken karaoke. Anything that costs money appeals to you, especially when you’re not the one pulling out the credit card. You like to lurch around poolside with a premium daiquiri in each hand and nothing but a thong over your ass. Whether you’re male or female or in between, you have no clue what the clitoris is.
Your drink is RUM.
Because you’re the zodiac sign that forces everyone to look at you naked.
Measured shot glasses were made for you, Virgo. Your OCD bartending guarantees that not a drop gets wasted—but you sure do. You love mixing complicated drinks almost as much as you love swilling them down and unleashing your inner pseudo-intellectual. Your fear of venereal disease is the only thing that keeps you from bringing a bar buddy home, rocking their world and cleaning their house in the morning.
Your drink is PREMIUM VODKA.
Because you’re the nitpickiest sign in the whole zodiac.
Balance is your thing, Libra—you’re really good at walking in a straight line when hammered, and you know to shut up before a bar patron decides to smash your face in. You’re afraid of being alone, so you hang out at bars every night, requesting country music and ordering pretentious beverages. You get a nice (and needed) intellectual boost from a couple of drinks, but you still love watching strippers.
Your drink is BRANDY.
Because you’re the sign with the least grasp on reality.
Passionate, truth-seeking and sex-seeking, Scorpio revels in sensuality and roils with deep paranoia. You keep one eye open at all times, even when plastered, because you know they’re coming to get you. It costs money to drink with you because you gravitate toward the good stuff—especially when somebody else is paying. People place bets on when you’re going to get murdered.
Your drink is RED WINE.
Because you can be a snobby douchebag, Scorpio.
Sagittarius folk are the travelers of the drinking world, endlessly seeking novelty. You have a shit ton of craft beers in your fridge, but no one to drink them with because everyone thinks you’re batshit. You’ll put anything in your beer—limes, lemons, carrots, whatever. You yammer about philosophy when you drink, even with no one there. When you pass out, people write expletives on your face in permanent ink.
Your drink is CRAFT BEER.
Because you’re a freak, damn it.
The most conservative sign, Capricorn likes an expensive scotch, shoplifted if possible, and served in expensive glassware, also shoplifted. You’re difficult to drink with because you turn your nose up at boxed wine, canned beer, and anything homemade. Drinking brings out the political analyst in you, and it doesn’t have the slightest clue. You are pretty funny when you throw up, though.
Your drink is SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH.
Because everything’s gotta be expensive for this star sign.
You’re an independent thinker, Aquarius, and the most innovative bartender of the zodiac. You find inventive uses for novelty liquors most of us would have thrown out ten years ago, and your stomach has absorbed dozens of mescale worms. You’re pretty good at fusing creative drinks out of a dozen or more ingredients, but you insist on giving them Star Trek names, you freaking geek.
Your drink is SHIT MIX.
Because you’re the zodiac sign with no standards.
Jails are full of Pisces, and your penchant for shitfaced oblivion makes you a strong candidate. Always hand over your keys to a sober friend before embarking on your gin benders, but do take along some co-inebriates, as without their company you’re a melancholy drunk. Try not to get paranoid; not everyone is in the CIA, and even if they were, they wouldn’t be interested in some juniper-soaked lush lying on the sidewalk.
Your drink is the GIN MARTINI.
Because your sign is really never sober.