My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, maybe the weather’s affecting you, because you’re trading in bar fights for cozy nights at home with a stable partner. Old bar buddies wonder where the hell you are and snipe at you verbally, but for now you’re ignoring their urgings toward the pub. Truth is, you don’t even notice them; you and your “stable partner” have mixed up a vat of Everclear, bourbon, rum, and tequila. You can’t carouse because you can’t move. What a great way to avoid bar fights!
Taurus, last week’s sobriety has left you unsteady and insecure. Lucid brain cells make for too much self-analysis, and for you it’s a full-on identity crisis. Unrest in your love live complicates these turbulent thoughts. OMG, how can we fix this? Got a frozen juice can? Don’t even thaw it; scoop it into a punch bowl, add two cans of rum or vodka, then a bottle of sparkling wine. No more turbulent thoughts for you! No thoughts, even.
Gemini, you’ll make a good impression on a Libra or an Aquarius—someone who loves fashion and accessories. If this sounds worthwhile, give your wardrobe a once-over before the stars start bombarding you with nosy Libras and Aquarians. If you don’t care, stay in your dirty old sweats and spill as much cranberry vodka on them as you like. Let them wonder what the stains are.
Cancer, you find people annoying this week and think everyone’s criticizing you, even when they’re slathering you up with compliments. Friends are in for a rough time. But it’s not you; it’s the stars making you an asshole. Avoid people and seek enlightenment. Everyone knows Jolly Ranchers are the path to the Third Eye. Here’s your recipe:
- 4 oz cheap vodka
- 10 oz cheap rum
- cranberry juice
This tastes exactly like a Jolly Rancher and will keep you from talking to people. Win win!
Leo, you’re dwelling on something that happened in the past, harboring blame toward the people involved. Memory is troublesome this way—how can you move forward when you keep replaying the incident? Pesky brain cells… The second you start fixating, pour yourself a whiskey. Again! Again! What’s your name? How many paws am I holding up? Who are you mad at? Nobody, right?
Virgo, a female acquaintance will enlighten you this week with a small detail about yourself. This new knowledge will disorient you and make you anxious. You’ll need a lot of gin to keep from fretting. Perhaps you should avoid that friend for the time being, in case she has any more informative nuggets. Then again, if she told you your pants were inside out and sported a skid mark, well…you need friends like that.
Libra, you have a relaxing week ahead: friends, entertainment, and joy all come easily, as does effective work. You have flow, and this makes you feel exciting and successful. When you’re in the zone, you attract others. This is an excellent time to have a party. Whatever you do, don’t have a bender alone; socializing is rarely so favored by the stars. Indeed, the stars think you should share your gin.
Communication continues to be positive this week, Scorpio. You have a clear head for articulating your thoughts. Enjoy it, because the stars are threatening you with diplomacy challenges, specifically in your workplace. Better start planning your flask contents! I’m thinking green-apple vodka with apple juice. Who’s gonna tell you that’s not breakfast?
Sagittarius, your chart is tied strongly to Scorpio’s this week. Someone at work has a flask of green-apple vodka and isn’t sharing. So you smile, hoping to get some. The Scorpio takes this as a come-on. Now you have an awkward situation and you still haven’t got any vodka. Better mix your own awesome flask.
Your charisma is extra-shiny this week, Capricorn. Entertaining and humorous, you have friends and acquaintances rapt, making them ripe for manipulation. Don’t do it! Especially that Scorpio with the green-apple vodka—if you even smile, they’re going to think you’re into them. Stay away from Scorpios, vodka, and apples this week. The only friend you need is Jose Cuervo.
Aquarius, you’ll shine this week, but you may become exhausted as everyone looks to you for wisdom and assistance. That’s the problem with sobriety; it improves your coordination, balance, clarity, and intelligence—then all your drunk friends ask you to operate their power tools and write their theses. Take yourself out of the equation:
- 3 oz vodka
- 1 oz brandy
- 1 oz cherry brandy
There. You should be useless now. If not, have another.
Pisces, the stars are calling for sexy time with a Virgo. You don’t normally think of yourself as a sex object (even when you were in jail those sexy times didn’t seem so sexy). But this Virgo is very precious to you, so try to toss those inhibitions. You’ll get a confidence boost, which will translate indirectly into greater career success. You’ll stop putting Jack Daniel’s in your morning oatmeal, and hello productivity.