How one extra glass of booze can shorten your life, and why it doesn’t matter

Twitter scared the bejesus out of me today with a link to The Lancet, a somewhat more highly regarded publication than this blog, which has published a massive meta-analysis of almost 600,000 alcohol drinkers in 83 studies.

tHE lANCET HEADLINEI don’t have the attention span or the mental capacity to read a study like this, so I just scrolled through my Twitter feed, and this is what I learned:

  • Nineteen countries disagree about the ideal limit for alcohol (assuming you want optimal health, and who knows, you might not)
  • Men who drink less than 100g of alcohol per week can expect to live one to two years longer than men who drink twice that amountdrinks-2578446_960_720
  • Women who drink less than 100g of alcohol per week can expect to live 1.3 years longer than women who drink more than 100g of alcohol per week
  • Beer drinkers, spirits drinkers, and binge drinkers have the highest mortality risk
  • The ideal weekly drink limit is twice as much for men as it is for women (11 vs. 5!)
  • Exceeding the ideal weekly drink limit could shorten your lifespan by 30 minutes!!!!

So OMG, people, there’s so much to unpack here.

  • First of all, isn’t a lancet a kind of stabby thing for taking blood samples? This prestigious journal didn’t have to be named The Lancet. It could have been named Mike Tyson mysteriesThe Scalpel or The Retractor or The Bonesaw. Just saying.
  • Second, we need to move to Spain, Italy, or Portugal, where recommended drinks/week are 50 per cent higher. Whee!
  • Third, how are we to compare the findings for women and men as compacted into understandable bullet points by the Twitterverse? I mean, I only have two brain cells.
  • Fourth, wait till my mum finds out she’s not supposed to match my dad drink for drink. She’s gonna freak.
  • Fifth, we can’t binge?
  • Sixth, ummm, 30 minutes? That’s like three episodes of Mike Tyson Mysteries. Does it matter? I guess it depends whether we’re caught up on Netflix or not.

WreckSpex Zebra wood

Advertisements

Dad, where’s the beer?

My fellow inebriates,

You should see the amazing beer fridges that have popped up in our neighbourhood this week.

Even Miss P made one.

20170206_1224421

Well, she started making one.

And Miss V made a snow gerbil.

20161210_1128411

My question is, where is the beer to put in these fridges, and how do we guard that beer from this red-eyed gerbil?

Dad?

What this election means for bears…and beers like POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER

One more day till election day!

Not that I get to vote or anything. Lacking ID or any documents connecting me to my Langley residence, and—thanks to the Fair Elections Act—unvouchable, and all this compounded by the fact that I’m a bear…I do not get to cast a ballot in tomorrow’s federal election.

So even if I don’t get any representation, my parents do, and I have one day to convince them to support my issues when they go to the polls.

So what are my issues? Well, I’m glad you asked, my fellow inebriates.

First of all, I’m a bear, right? Let’s consult Google to see what the party leaders are doing for bears these days.

stephen harper search

And voila!

OMG, the panda wants to shake Harper's hand.

OMG, the panda wants to shake Harper’s hand.

Did you know that pandas have thumbs? I DON’T HAVE THUMBS! I could really use some thumbs when I’m trying to open a bottle of POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER from Whistler Brewing. Honestly, a thumb is pretty evolved, wouldn’t you say? But Harper still doesn’t seem to get what a civilized animal this is. I mean, it just got out of a FedEx crate after journeying from China. OMG, Harper, shake the panda’s hand!

Although, to be fair, Harper does love cuddling with animals.

pm-harper-koala-bearstephen-harper-with-wormy-thing

Damnit, Stephen Harper, keep your pets on a leash.

Next up, Thomas Mulcair:

mulcair search

Check it out—he's a Mulcair Bear. Get it?

Check it out—he’s a Mulcair Bear. Get it? But would he have a beer with me?

He really seems to be mocking that bear. I do hope not. We bears are such dignified animals.

Okay, Trudeau time.

trudeau search

This search yields by far the most abundant and diverse array of pictures. By all means, my fellow inebriates, I recommend you try it.

Ridiculed for telling the country he would grow the economy "from the heart outwards."

Ridiculed for telling the country he would grow the economy “from the heart outwards.”

For one thing, I don’t think that one on the right is really, like, a bear. What is it doing? Irradiating him? With love? Whatever it’s doing, I sincerely hope it doesn’t impair Justin’s ability to put more beer money in the pockets of the, ahem, middle class, to which we could possibly belong at least aspirationally.

10956-Powder-BottleWe need that beer money, Justin. We need to buy more POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER. It’s malty and substantial, especially for a lager, with a lovely fresh redolence and a palate-pleasing, almost chestnutty aftertaste. If we had this in the fridge everyday, I’d drink it everyday. (Not like I need to tell you that, my fellow inebriates.) POWDER MOUNTAIN manages to be simultaneously crisp and chewy, fizzy and malty, with a long, lingering aftertaste.

I’m gonna leave the election to my parents. But I vote we buy more POWDER MOUNTAIN LAGER.