Check it out, my fellow inebriates…there’s this dude in Iowa who’s giving everything up for Lent except beer.
And to my parents: Tell me why we’re behaving so godlessly?? We could be doing this too.
What the hell don’t we like about Catholicism??
But we totally like Dan Lacey’s painting.
My Fellow Inebriates,
For those of you still eating solid foods, here’s a fantastic way to include alcohol in your Mardi Gras pancakes:
YUMMY BUTTER-RUM PANCAKES
1 cup maple syrup (or, if your kids go through it fast enough to bankrupt you, no-name fake syrup like the kind at LBHQ)
2 tbsp butter
4 tbsp rum (or whisky/bourbon/vodka, etc.)
In a small saucepan, heat the syrup and butter, stirring until the butter melts. Then REMOVE AND LET SIT FOR 5 MINUTES while your mother finishes making pancakes or whatever the hell she’s doing.
THIS IS CRITICAL!!! YOU DO NOT WANT THE SYRUP TO BE TOO HOT WHEN YOU ADD THE LIQUOR. YOU DO NOT WANT ONE PRECIOUS MOLECULE TO EVAPORATE. DO NOT GIVE THE ANGELS A SHARE*—WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR YOU LATELY ANYWAY?
After five minutes, stir your chosen booze in.
Okay, so now you have a delicious, buttery, booze-enhanced syrup. DO NOT GIVE IT TO THE KIDS—WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR YOU LATELY ANYWAY?
And finally, drink the syrup straight pour your syrup over your Mardi Gras feast. Ahhhhhh!!!
*an·gels’ share (njlz)
The quantity of an alcoholic liquor lost to evaporation during the distilling process.
My Fellow Inebriates,
It’s that wonderful time of year when Oprah tells us her Favorite Things.
I don’t know about you, but every year I wait with bated breath to hear what new luxuries Oprah’s pushing. She may enjoy mashed potatoes more than she likes vodka, but Oprah knows a thing or two about sybaritic living. Naturally I’m going to hijack her annual merchandising love fest, plunder it for keywords and tags, borrow her unauthorized image, and share some things I’d like to give and receive this season. So without further ado…
Oddly enough, many people don’t possess a flask. What a great gift for that closet drinker at your office, that frustrated parent at the playground…or you? And there’s nothing like Montgomery Scott to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling about secretive drinking.
The Apocalypse is a mere 25 days away, but you might want to hedge your bets and send out Christmas cards anyway.
And if that doesn’t remind you of the reason for the season, get your hairy mitts on a T-shirt from The Oatmeal.
For friends who don’t find Jell-O shots sufficiently harsh and enjoy an additional suggestion of illicit behavior, how about some syringe-shaped shots? Just squirt the shot into your mouth. Ahh!
For those friends who need a reminder where those shots will take them…
And for friends planning a visit to Walmart in hopes someone will snap a picture…
And for friends who are already featured among the People of Walmart…
Typically on Christmas morning we’re so busy tearing open gifts that we forget about the stockings, and then we get some lovely little surprises. This item isn’t really for drinking, but it contains 62% alcohol, and most of us could use it now and then.
But as charming as stocking stuffers are, there’s nothing like a go-for-broke, over-the-top present under the tree.
Anybody would feel lucky to get such a wondrous machine, but yes, Virginia, there are still more rarefied objects of desire in the merchandising world. Does Oprah, I wonder, have this unusual item…?
What a whirlwind of shopping! It must be so exhausting to be Oprah Winfrey. In fact, I have only enough energy to do it once a year. Cheers, my friends, and may you revel in these luxuries, whether choosing them for a loved one or wishing for them among your own holiday gifts. My fondest hopes go with you on your gift-buying forays.
♦ ♦ ♦