My Fellow Inebriates,
What kind of astrologer would leave you to plan your Friday night drinking without zodiacal guidance? Worse, what kind of astrologer would start the forecast after the week has already started? What am I, Sylvia Browne?
Aries, your computer is sucking lately and you don’t have the techie smarts to fix it. Maybe you should call an expert, but it’s hard not to think of all the alcohol an hour of geek time will buy. Never mind that your computer pro will discover how much porn you’ve been viewing. You probably should try to fix the glitch yourself…then you can buy Frangelico, Kahlua, and Bailey’s with all that money you save. Of course, if your computer breaks, you’ll start phoning people instead of emailing, and thereby reestablish your human connections. But how will you get your booze horoscope?
Taurus, pull yourself together. This is not the week to hole up with a plastic jug of vodka. Love is waiting for you, but you have to go outside. The stars suggest taking a class such as wine tasting or beer making. You’ll meet people and have the opportunity to get drunk. But first you have to rein in those random emotions, so start cutting that vodka with 7-Up or you’ll remain a chaotic mess. (Wow, the stars are scolding you. I would ignore them and buy TWO plastic jugs of vodka.)
Gemini, you’re having one of those “Why me?” weeks. You feel paranoid and persecuted, inferior and hard-done-by. What you need is a good piss-up with friends. If you don’t have any friends, the stars suggest wallowing in your own bad feelings for the week, supplementing those crazy endocrine chemicals with lashings of Frangelico, amaretto liqueur, butterscotch schnapps, and vanilla vodka. Next week you’ll really feel sorry for yourself.
Cancer, you feel sleep-deprived but you don’t know why. Turns out that passed-out sleep simply isn’t the same as sober sleep. Not that you would know! If you can nudge yourself awake, you’ll notice that someone at work has a crush on you. But be careful—your co-workers have already observed the crush developing, and if you pursue it you’ll have a world of gossip to contend with. But that’s what Absolut is for, right? Keep telling yourself sleep is for wimps, and pound enough vodka to maintain your oblivious state.
Leo, you are stuck in a fantasy world, caught up with music and art, drama and fashion. Evidently there’s a lot of vodka in your bloodstream, and it’s inspiring you with profound new ideas! But be careful—enough vodka and you turn into a real tool. If you have a partner, you can expect a heart-to-heart and/or a big lecture. Does anyone sleep in the bathtub any more? You’re going to find out.
Virgo, the stars are bullish about financial speculation, as long as you take care of important bar needs first. You need the following:
- Yukon Jack
- Jim Beam
- Apple schnapps
- White rum
- Triple sec
- Bacardi 151
Once you’ve bought all these items you can hit the stock exchange and blow the rest of your money.
Libra, you want to change the world, but perhaps you should change your underwear first. Start with baby steps like these and you stand a chance of meshing into society again. Not all at once, mind you; there’s plenty of room for peppermint schnapps in your life. Gradually, imperceptibly even, you’ll approach levels of normalcy your star chart hasn’t featured in months. BTW, the stars say your bike lock is shite and that you should buy a new one if you want to keep your ride. OMG!
You obsess about the future this week, Scorpio. Not the immediate relevant future (i.e., next week) but the far-distant future when everyone has forgotten how to make a proper Bloody Mary. Will people still wear clothes? How fast will your computer be? Will Venus be totally jammed with thetans? How much vodka will you be able to buy for a million dollars? Try to get out of the house, Scorpio. If you do, you might meet someone. As long as it’s not Tom Cruise.
Sagittarius, the high life continues another week, and you have charisma to spare. Strangers trust you within two seconds, and people are lining up to put you in their address books. You’ll be reaping positive rewards both professionally and personally for months. Not only that—you’ll also win the lottery, so start buying tickets. (Leave some money for tequila and Galliano.)
The stars are obsessed with vodka this week, Capricorn, which means they’re foisting it on everyone, even Capricorns who would normally opt for gin. Be sure to speak your mind when someone forces a vodka martini on you. You might not have the stones for it, though; your DTs are coming on strong, which is producing a lot of insecurity. Make sure you hide your booze in a flask.
Aquarius, this is a great week for finishing projects. Don’t worry about whether you finish things before your colleagues; just ask yourself if they’re able to accomplish as much as you with half a bottle of Kahlua in their Starbucks grandé. Of course not, Aquarius, because you rule. You’ll have an awesome, carefree week, and Friday will be the best day.
Somebody’s got to do it, Pisces, and this week it’s you. Yes, you’re the designated driver, and the stars are mocking you by recommending cantaloupe juice. Ignore the stars! They are ill-mannered douchebag balls of gas. Just go ahead and be the DD. We all need good friends like you to be our sober drivers, and next week it’ll be somebody else’s turn. Being sober is probably a good idea anyway, because you’ll need to support a friend with a medical problem this week. It doesn’t look good, Pisces, but neither do you with your DTs.