On my head is a very small bowler hat.
No, my fellow inebriates, my parents wouldn’t just buy me a hat. The hat in question came perched atop a long-awaited treasure—a product that’s been absent from BC Liquor Stores for over a year and has finally been restored to its rightful shelf thanks to the heroic efforts of Business Development Manager Julia Gale.
If you’re new to this blog, you can’t possibly know what an odyssey the wait for Broker’s Gin has been. Why did BCLS cease to stock Broker’s? We’ll never know, but the bureaucracy involved in reinstating it seemed, at times, Sisyphean. Oh, MFI, if you could only know the suspense, the suffering, the torture! The holdout for Broker’s here at LBHQ! The resultant desolation and uncomfortable sobriety followed by bludgeoning despair when the product failed to reappear! The debauched embrace of at least six other brands of gin, all drowning the sorrow of one who’s had one’s heart broken repeatedly—a descent that spiraled into multiple gin shootouts, documented and otherwise, until finally last year’s hot weather ended, at which point my parents declared “gin season over” and we consoled ourselves with nothing but beer, wine, rye, Scotch, Canadian Cream, and whisky balls. OMG, MFI, I went through all five Kübler-Ross stages of grief over Broker’s Gin, plus a couple of others (fixation on thongs, washing-machine paranoia, Scarybear-provoked apocalypticity, stalking Julia Gale beyond ordinary levels). And FINALLY the wait has ended.
But you never get a totally happy ending at LBHQ. Just ask Dolly. According to my evil parents, it is still not warm enough. They don’t feel like a gin & tonic yet. And here I thought they were spiraling downward with me into seasonal indiscriminateness. Apparently not.
So I will update you when we crack that bottle, which is, of course, foiling my thumbless little paws. For now.
My friend Scarybear has not emerged from his depression following the End of Days fizzle. You’d think he’d be happy to live another day to watch TV and eat pizza, but really, he was all geared up for the Apocalypse.
He’s really getting the whole house down, so I tried to cheer him up. The world might not literally be ending, but civilization probably is…
Right? What could better signify the end? My favorite bit: “Report as Inappropriate.” That just has my furry brain cells…perplexed.
All I can say is, if you have vomit to submit, these are the guys … not Liquorstore Bear, okay anonymous spammer?
I missed the boat on New Year’s Resolutions (as with every year). But this year there wasn’t even a reminder; the family (humans) went out, and we bears did what we do best. We had a staring contest—which Fluffy won. Whether he knew he was a contestant is another story.
So, instead of fragile resolutions, an LBHQ retrospective for 2012.
|THE GOOD||THE UGLY|
|Dad went to work for the Man. He took a corporate job, which left me to my own devices during the day.||Dad collapsed his 10-year-old business. We are still sorting everything out. (Which calls for alcohol.)|
|I met tons of great bloggers. At first WordPress suggested I follow bloggers and make comments, and so I did, but little did I know how many I would come to follow diligently…for the sheer awesomeness of the writing. What an amazing community we’ve got here, my fellow inebriates.||I can’t keep up. There is such a lot of good writing out there. Plus I’m jealous of a lot of you.|
|I got to review 119 types of booze in 2012.
||I drank them, and now they’re gone. And we might all be alcoholics now.
|I retired my Facebook wrestler, LB the Alcoholic Bear. This felt like the right thing to do. Wrestler is a total waste of time, and I felt guilty every second I was playing.||A sudden urge came over me, and he’s playing again.|
|Dad bought a BMW. At last! He has always wanted one.||I didn’t get to ride in it until December. We bears were jonesing to ride in the Bimmer. Instead the movers seized us and stuck us in the back of the truck.|
|We changed headquarters. New (old) house, more space, closer to school, better for…well, drinking. The new LBHQ is awesome.||Our move was so f#cked-up and unorganized that we actually left stuff behind. Not small stuff like toilet brushes (although we did leave one of those—doesn’t everybody?). We left big stuff, like a bed—a king-size bed. Mazel tov, new owners, enjoy your bed.|
|Paranormal events calmed down at LBHQ. For a while it was crazy around here, with Granny’s ghost haunting Fluffy. All kinds of things were bashing around in the night.||Either Granny has adjusted to being dead, or she got lost on the way to the new house. Fluffy is now on his own. Totally blank.|
|Miss V started kindergarten. For the first time in seven years, the house is quiet between 8:00 and 3:00.||Yeah, and I thought I’d have opposably thumbed typists at my beck and call. They went to work instead.|
|We Work Out Every Day. OMG! The insanity of it. But we have to process that booze somehow.||OMG! The insanity of it. Steve Nash, are you out of money? You should fix the toilets at that gym of yours.|
|With both kids in school, you can actually read books without interruption. Finally, being able to sink into books. More books were read at LBHQ this year than in the last ten years.||Did one of those kids take Glen Bear to school? He disappeared and never turned up. 😦
|Freshly Pressed! It happened, it happened! Or maybe it was all a dream. Hell, I don’t know.||Okay, so I took on 40% more followers, and yet maintained the same daily hits. Hmmmm. Oh well, what the hell—math is for the sober.|
|LBHQ got its first booze sample. Yes!! It was beer: a six-pack that disappeared in a flash.||Apparently it’s not legal to courier booze in Canada, even across town. Naively, I wrote a post enthusing about the delivery, only to learn I’d implicated my benefactor in a crime. The $64,000 question: Will they ever send us beer again?|
|The world didn’t end in 2012. Sometimes I thought Scarybear wanted it to, but it didn’t.||It still might. As Scary says, now we have “indefinite” time to contemplate how.|