My Fellow Inebriates,
When a pair of friendly Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on our door this week to regale us about the miracles of our 6000-year-old planet, whose majestic Grand Canyon sprang up in a geologic nanosecond, it was obvious we need more science in our lives, especially out here in Langley.
It’s important to be precise with your measurements, as my mother stressed to our visitors. She offered them some books on evolution, but they said they already had their own, so why would they need to read further?
I told her she should have invited them in to do shots with us.
Okay, so you guys know I’m a Canadian bear, but I still like to keep an eye on Mitt Romney and other nutty characters with grandiose visions of themselves in government. You don’t want to mess with magic underpants, especially when they exhibit skid marks. Speaking in Virginia yesterday, Romney revealed just such a brown stain when he said that students should get “as much education as they can afford.”
Here’s another suggestion—one that might warm Romney’s cockles:
Get a free education from a creationist college.
Yes! If you’re willing to hunker down for some oxymoronic tutelage, you too can emerge from your years of schooling with something almost like a degree. In what, you ask? Well, read on:
How about Christian Ethics? (Note that these differ from non-Christian ethics, which endorse rape, pillage, murder, etc.)
How about Mind Manipulation? Learn the dangers of exposing yourself to outside information such as science. Manipulators are everywhere! Says the online brochure from Trinity Graduate School of Theology:
I didn’t want to be a dick and edit the typos. This is, after all, a site of higher learning, so who am I to correct it? But doesn’t the program sound appealing? Wouldn’t you like to learn how to navigate through hazardous modern temptations?
And, for those returning to school after having families, there’s Parenting. Here’s a snippet from the curriculum:
I love that this college is savvy about porn (and really, what religious nutjob isn’t?). Too bad the college can’t seem to hire an editor…but that would cost money, and then it probably couldn’t afford to give away free education.
Now, this is all very well, but what if you want to study science? Creationist schools have that covered. AiG, for example, “teaches that ‘facts’ don’t speak for themselves, but must be interpreted…the Bible offers the best explanation of the world’s geology, anthropology, and astronomy.” Thus, the Grand Canyon’s many strata do not represent long time periods but rather extremely (!) accelerated periods of celestially assisted erosion. Likewise, a satisfactory wealth of transitional fossils will never be found, even while evolutionary biologists like Richard Dawkins wave them in the faces of creationists who insist they do not exist (“la, la, la, I can’t hear you!”). And finally, the astronomy section’s large FAQ section explains why the earth is indeed truly the “spiritual center of the universe.”
Sounds good to me. Creationist colleges everywhere offer great deals ranging from free to cheap. Even those that charge a bundle are a bargain compared to most mainstream colleges. Sure, you’ll get spat out without a chance of competing against Ivy Leaguers in the work force. But at least you won’t go to hell.*