My mum yelled at me today because—again—my name showed up in one of her client emails. She said it was embarrassing, even mortifying, to receive a response with “Liquorstore Bear” in the address field. We have no idea how that happened, but she’s been giving me the evil eye.
So, I needed something to cheer me up. Just a little something, my fellow inebriates, because I don’t really like getting yelled at for technical problems. I don’t even have fingers for typing, so how could I have insinuated myself into my mum’s professional life?
I was actually feeling pretty sniffly-sad. And then I saw this awesome pic.
Right? I have never seen anything more rad.
And, lest you think it irrelevant to the ramblings of a liquor-obsessed bear, here’s a drink in honor of this awesome animal.
Combine all ingredients in a blender. Blend well until smooth and pour into a pitcher. Pour into Liquorstore Bear’s mouth.
Thank you, Drinks Mixer. And thank you, Mewbacca.
My Fellow Inebriates,
What kind of astrologer would leave you to plan your Friday night drinking without zodiacal guidance? Worse, what kind of astrologer would start the forecast after the week has already started? What am I, Sylvia Browne?
Aries, your computer is sucking lately and you don’t have the techie smarts to fix it. Maybe you should call an expert, but it’s hard not to think of all the alcohol an hour of geek time will buy. Never mind that your computer pro will discover how much porn you’ve been viewing. You probably should try to fix the glitch yourself…then you can buy Frangelico, Kahlua, and Bailey’s with all that money you save. Of course, if your computer breaks, you’ll start phoning people instead of emailing, and thereby reestablish your human connections. But how will you get your booze horoscope?
Taurus, pull yourself together. This is not the week to hole up with a plastic jug of vodka. Love is waiting for you, but you have to go outside. The stars suggest taking a class such as wine tasting or beer making. You’ll meet people and have the opportunity to get drunk. But first you have to rein in those random emotions, so start cutting that vodka with 7-Up or you’ll remain a chaotic mess. (Wow, the stars are scolding you. I would ignore them and buy TWO plastic jugs of vodka.)
Gemini, you’re having one of those “Why me?” weeks. You feel paranoid and persecuted, inferior and hard-done-by. What you need is a good piss-up with friends. If you don’t have any friends, the stars suggest wallowing in your own bad feelings for the week, supplementing those crazy endocrine chemicals with lashings of Frangelico, amaretto liqueur, butterscotch schnapps, and vanilla vodka. Next week you’ll really feel sorry for yourself.
Cancer, you feel sleep-deprived but you don’t know why. Turns out that passed-out sleep simply isn’t the same as sober sleep. Not that you would know! If you can nudge yourself awake, you’ll notice that someone at work has a crush on you. But be careful—your co-workers have already observed the crush developing, and if you pursue it you’ll have a world of gossip to contend with. But that’s what Absolut is for, right? Keep telling yourself sleep is for wimps, and pound enough vodka to maintain your oblivious state.
Leo, you are stuck in a fantasy world, caught up with music and art, drama and fashion. Evidently there’s a lot of vodka in your bloodstream, and it’s inspiring you with profound new ideas! But be careful—enough vodka and you turn into a real tool. If you have a partner, you can expect a heart-to-heart and/or a big lecture. Does anyone sleep in the bathtub any more? You’re going to find out.
- Yukon Jack
- Jim Beam
- Apple schnapps
- White rum
- Triple sec
- Bacardi 151
Once you’ve bought all these items you can hit the stock exchange and blow the rest of your money.
Libra, you want to change the world, but perhaps you should change your underwear first. Start with baby steps like these and you stand a chance of meshing into society again. Not all at once, mind you; there’s plenty of room for peppermint schnapps in your life. Gradually, imperceptibly even, you’ll approach levels of normalcy your star chart hasn’t featured in months. BTW, the stars say your bike lock is shite and that you should buy a new one if you want to keep your ride. OMG!
You obsess about the future this week, Scorpio. Not the immediate relevant future (i.e., next week) but the far-distant future when everyone has forgotten how to make a proper Bloody Mary. Will people still wear clothes? How fast will your computer be? Will Venus be totally jammed with thetans? How much vodka will you be able to buy for a million dollars? Try to get out of the house, Scorpio. If you do, you might meet someone. As long as it’s not Tom Cruise.
Sagittarius, the high life continues another week, and you have charisma to spare. Strangers trust you within two seconds, and people are lining up to put you in their address books. You’ll be reaping positive rewards both professionally and personally for months. Not only that—you’ll also win the lottery, so start buying tickets. (Leave some money for tequila and Galliano.)
The stars are obsessed with vodka this week, Capricorn, which means they’re foisting it on everyone, even Capricorns who would normally opt for gin. Be sure to speak your mind when someone forces a vodka martini on you. You might not have the stones for it, though; your DTs are coming on strong, which is producing a lot of insecurity. Make sure you hide your booze in a flask.
Aquarius, this is a great week for finishing projects. Don’t worry about whether you finish things before your colleagues; just ask yourself if they’re able to accomplish as much as you with half a bottle of Kahlua in their Starbucks grandé. Of course not, Aquarius, because you rule. You’ll have an awesome, carefree week, and Friday will be the best day.
Somebody’s got to do it, Pisces, and this week it’s you. Yes, you’re the designated driver, and the stars are mocking you by recommending cantaloupe juice. Ignore the stars! They are ill-mannered douchebag balls of gas. Just go ahead and be the DD. We all need good friends like you to be our sober drivers, and next week it’ll be somebody else’s turn. Being sober is probably a good idea anyway, because you’ll need to support a friend with a medical problem this week. It doesn’t look good, Pisces, but neither do you with your DTs.
My Fellow Inebriates,
Once again the horoscope hasn’t come together on time, leaving you on your own to decide what to drink this week. Are you okay so far? (I bet you are.)
Aries, you’ve recovered from an embarrassing ailment and now you’re feeling tip-top. Extra sleep has helped you, and perhaps even sobriety as well. But who can keep that shit up? Here’s your drink:
- 2 oz vodka
- 2 oz Southern Comfort
- 2 oz grenadine
- 2 oz sloe gin
- 2 oz triple sec
Add a whole bunch of orange, cranberry, and pineapple juice—say, 4 oz each. Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker and you’ll be back to normal in no time.
Taurus, it’s “opposite week” for you, as you determinedly do exactly the opposite of what everyone says. Pretty normal for Taurus, only you’re in turbo mode this week. Shirk all responsibilities and run away from work. Toss your obligations in the toilet and celebrate with a Tidy Bowl: three parts vodka to one part Blue Curacao. Shake and swirl it with ice until cold, then (gratuitously enough) float four to six raisins in your concoction.
Gemini, thong season is making you insecure about your body. But your embarrassment goes beyond the physical; you are feeling generally inadequate. This happens to everybody, and the best cure is always getting drunk. But in such a self-flagellating mode, you might as well choose a punishing drink. That way you can exorcise your bad self-talk in one bracing go. I’m thinking Jagermeister with butterscotch schnapps and Coke. Yeah.
Cancer, don’t turn a blind eye to your financial strain. If you keep pissing away your paycheque you’ll be cadging drinks by June. As for July and August, thank goodness those months are warm (at least around here) because you might be sleeping outside. If you think I’m talking about my dad, who is a Cancer, I’m not. My dad needs to go out and blow all our money on alcohol right now. I’m talking about you other Cancers in the world. The stars advise you to buy a cheaper brand of bourbon. And what the hell—some cheap rum too. And maybe some Jagermeister. Say hi to my dad if you run into him.
Leo, the stars will test your relationships this week. Maybe you should just jettison the ones you don’t care about right now; it beats some of the more embarrassing alternatives. What alternatives? you ask. You know, Leo. Beating the shit out of each other on the sidewalk outside a bar, for instance. Putting away a litre of vodka and prancing around in a thong in front of someone who is not into you. Stuff like that.
Slow down, Virgo, or you’ll miss out on something monumental this week. Take time to perambulate and notice small details. The world doesn’t need you to be productive this week; in fact, most people won’t notice if you put away a few drinks behind the desk. The key is to take it slow. Here’s a luxurious libation you can sip:
- 1 oz Bailey’s
- 1 oz creme de menthe (buy the green kind)
- 1 oz Frangelico
Libra, the stars hereby order you to leave the computer. Your eyes are rectangular from all your recent screen time, and meanwhile the real world suffers because you’re not participating in it. Okay, maybe it doesn’t suffer, but you could use some Vitamin D. You could also use a Bacardi 151–inspired adventure. Mix equal parts vodka and coffee brandy, pour rum on top and light on fire (just for a second or you’ll lose too much booze).
Initiative will reward you socially, Scorpio. Don’t wait for friends to email you; most of your friends are really flaky and won’t bother. Send them a crazy message detailing some wildly irrational behavior in which you’re engaged right now—and which they’re missing out on. Now you’ve set the scene in motion, you’d better start doing something fun or your friends will arrive expecting madness and find you sitting at the kitchen table or trimming your nose hairs or something. Can’t think of anything wild to do? This will help:
- 2 oz Jagermeister
- 2 oz cinnamon schnapps
- 2 oz Kahlua
Sagittarius, life will mistreat you this week. At times you’ll feel persecuted. But compare the present with, say, a decade ago. Chances are you’re much wiser and more successful now. Don’t you wish you could get into a time machine, go back ten years, and kick your young self’s ass? Ride out this bad week with lashings of vodka, Midori Melon, and Bacardi 151. You’ll need some limes with that.
Expect a message from an old contact, Capricorn—a curious message with suspicious subtext. Whether it’s harmless the stars don’t know; stars are just stupid balls of gas, after all. But do think twice about reuniting because this person has probably, over the last decade, turned into a total nutbag. Even though you’ll be hammered when you receive the message (email or text—again, the stars are too stupid to furnish details) on an elaborate concoction of Scotch, creme de menthe, Kahlua, Bailey’s, and black tea, you’re still a Capricorn, damn it, and that means you’ll have the presence of mind to ignore it. Completely as an aside, and totally unrelated, on Sunday you will score sexually.
Aquarius, the renovation bug attacks this week, but the time isn’t quite right. Maybe you should just buy one piece of furniture or a tasteful work of art. Whatever you end up doing, try to follow the Feng Shui rules, and don’t operate any nail guns, glue guns, or chainsaws you happen to find lying on the next-door neighbor’s lawn (beneath a sign that says “All Free”) if you have already consumed a bottle of Bacardi. And no, Red Bull will not sober you up; it will just make your vomit more colorful.
Pisces, the moon’s influence is optimal for making life-changing plans. Whether you follow those plans is another story. The stars think you’ll distract yourself from taking any action—perhaps with video games, or maybe the quest to make the perfect Sangria. This latter pursuit is a good one for you, Pisces. You probably have a good collection of cheap but barely drinkable wine bought on a Pisces-type budget. Or you may have vodka instead, in which case your Sangria is actually yukaflux, and that’s the best way to bring summer on.