apple cider

ASTROLIQUOR for May 31 to June 6, already in progress!

Once again, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone sideways. My typist was apparently out on a nature walk. Nature be damned! I said, my fellow inebriates have no celestial guidance on what to drink. Here it is in short strokes.

Aries:

The stars want you to find something exotic…an Italian herbal liqueur called Strega. Got it? Mix 1 oz with 2 oz each of vodka and orange juice (for the vitamins) plus 1/2 oz banana liqueur. Shake with ice and repeat throughout the day, every day this week.

Taurus:

Typically apple cider is kind of cloying—at least the mainstream brands. Throw in an ounce of DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker and tart it up.

Gemini:

Two parts Malibu, 1 part Blue Curacao, 6 parts OJ. Let the Curacao sink to the bottom, just like your ambitions for the week.

Cancer:

You need some moonshine—preferably some smuggled home in a suitcase from Ireland. We’re talking Poteen, and it should have a vague petroleum smell. Mix with equal parts Irish whisky and Bailey’s Irish Cream, then chase it with a Guinness. Say hi to the Leprechauns when they show up.

Leo:

It’s time to blow your budget on silly-flavored vodka…how about vanilla? Mix it up with creme de bananes and some random juices (cranberry? orange? who cares?).

Virgo:

We’re talking vodka (3 parts) and black sambuca (1 part). Incorporate this nasty mixture into every hour of your life this week. Pretty soon your poo will be an inky black color (and not solid).

Libra:

It calls itself a martini but it’s more of a fauxtini: Grey Goose plus Chambord, equal parts. Ahhh!

Scorpio:

Your life just isn’t weird enough, so try this out: 6 oz dark rum, 3 oz Kahlua, 3 oz cream, 4 oz milk. Then (get this) add a twist of lemon and one clove. Nuke it, but don’t nuke the shit out of it.

Sagittarius:

This is called a Dead Budgie: a bunch of coconut rum and banana liqueur with juice and grenadine (for the blood? OMG).

Capricorn:

Triple sec and raspberry schnapps are pretty good together, but even better with some sweet-and-sour mix and OJ. Equal parts of everything. Do, say…10 shots.

Aquarius:

The stars have bananas on the brain this week, and your drink like dessert. Blend a banana with 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream, 2 oz Godiva (OMG, yes!) and 1/2 oz dark rum. All day long.

Pisces:

Ice-cold gin in a 2:3 ratio with orange juice…ahhhh!! If the math is too hard, keep adding parts of each until you don’t care.

7 life hacks, some of which are, like, totally not life hacks

My Fellow Inebriates,

If I see one more a common-sense procedure referred to as a “life hack,” I’m going to start ripping my fur out drinking (more).

Unload the bottom rack of your dishwasher first. That way, water won’t drip from the top dishes onto the bottom ones.

OMG. I mean, duh. This is less a “life hack” than “being sober while you unload the dishwasher.”

Instead of making a grocery list, photograph the shelves of your cupboards and fridge with your cell phone so you have a visual.

Right. I mean, a visual of all the stuff that’s not there—which you’ll remember. This seems less a “life hack” than “having shit for brains.”

Okay, so what are some useful life hacks?

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A good idea, sure…maybe with a better beer. Not really a hack, though.

 

foodie-life-hacks-1

Okay, maybe. This is getting a little too close to solid-food territory, if you ask me.

 

life-hacks-how-to-make-your-life-easier-11

Now we’re talking. That, my fellow inebriates, is a hack.

 

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And that’s totally a hack. Too bad Dad didn’t think of it before the kids learned to swing themselves.

 

Still waiting for the ULTIMATE life hack… Okay, so it doesn’t really even have to be a hack. Just a good idea… A good idea that will get me loaded.

make apple cider

Bingo! And that’s what we’re doing next at LBHQ. Maybe Cider Monger will review us.

Apples vs pears…holding your nose to vote (or adding ice)…a hint of corruption…but you have Absolut power…America votes and this bear gets shitfaced watching the election coverage

OMG, my American inebriate friends, I am so excited about your election. I wish I could vote! (Not that bears can vote in Canada.)

All our favorite alcohol purveyors are shamelessly on board with the election…

Two candidates. Who gets your vote?

Original! Original! Pear is just a grab for sweet-toothed underage drinkers!

 

Let your vote be heard. Neat or on the rocks?

This one’s a toughie. For Jim Beam I’m gonna say with ice. Sort of like holding your nose and voting.

 

Vota por Corona. Siempre la elección correcta.
(Vote for Corona. Always the right choice.)

Corona probably doesn’t have any business talking about elections. This marketplace bully with its light mediocrity is so ubiquitous that everyone can remember a party where there was nothing but Corona—even if they “voted” for something else. Kind of like a Mexican election.

 

The future begins with you.

Just remember, if you fill your head full of vodka before you hit the polling station, try not to spoil your ballot! And if they try to prevent you voting because you’re intoxicated, stand your ground, my fellow inebriates. Voting drunk isn’t illegal—just being publicly intoxicated, and they can arrest you after you cast your ballot. Bring your toothbrush!

 

HAPPY VOTING, MY AMERICAN FRIENDS!

One last image on this important day, not of alcohol but of art…

My belated contribution to the recent Horses and Bayonets post third debate meme; a new addition in my continuing (over the course of the past four years) Obama Unicorn series; a painting of a nude Mitt Romney riding on Rafalca the dancing horse and battling President Barack Obama nude on a unicorn                                                                 —artist Dan Lacey