Absolut

ASTROLIQUOR for June 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

What kind of astrologer would leave you to plan your Friday night drinking without zodiacal guidance? Worse, what kind of astrologer would start the forecast after the week has already started? What am I, Sylvia Browne?

Aries, your computer is sucking lately and you don’t have the techie smarts to fix it. Maybe you should call an expert, but it’s hard not to think of all the alcohol an hour of geek time will buy. Never mind that your computer pro will discover how much porn you’ve been viewing. You probably should try to fix the glitch yourself…then you can buy Frangelico, Kahlua, and Bailey’s with all that money you save. Of course, if your computer breaks, you’ll start phoning people instead of emailing, and thereby reestablish your human connections. But how will you get your booze horoscope?

Taurus, pull yourself together. This is not the week to hole up with a plastic jug of vodka. Love is waiting for you, but you have to go outside. The stars suggest taking a class such as wine tasting or beer making. You’ll meet people and have the opportunity to get drunk. But first you have to rein in those random emotions, so start cutting that vodka with 7-Up or you’ll remain a chaotic mess. (Wow, the stars are scolding you. I would ignore them and buy TWO plastic jugs of vodka.)

Gemini, you’re having one of those “Why me?” weeks. You feel paranoid and persecuted, inferior and hard-done-by. What you need is a good piss-up with friends. If you don’t have any friends, the stars suggest wallowing in your own bad feelings for the week, supplementing those crazy endocrine chemicals with lashings of Frangelico, amaretto liqueur, butterscotch schnapps, and vanilla vodka. Next week you’ll really feel sorry for yourself.

Cancer, you feel sleep-deprived but you don’t know why. Turns out that passed-out sleep simply isn’t the same as sober sleep. Not that you would know! If you can nudge yourself awake, you’ll notice that someone at work has a crush on you. But be careful—your co-workers have already observed the crush developing, and if you pursue it you’ll have a world of gossip to contend with. But that’s what Absolut is for, right? Keep telling yourself sleep is for wimps, and pound enough vodka to maintain your oblivious state.

Leo, you are stuck in a fantasy world, caught up with music and art, drama and fashion. Evidently there’s a lot of vodka in your bloodstream, and it’s inspiring you with profound new ideas! But be careful—enough vodka and you turn into a real tool. If you have a partner, you can expect a heart-to-heart and/or a big lecture. Does anyone sleep in the bathtub any more? You’re going to find out.

Virgo, the stars are bullish about financial speculation, as long as you take care of important bar needs first. You need the following:

  • Yukon Jack
  • Jim Beam
  • Apple schnapps
  • Vodka
  • White rum
  • Triple sec
  • Jagermeister
  • Bacardi 151

Once you’ve bought all these items you can hit the stock exchange and blow the rest of your money.

Libra, you want to change the world, but perhaps you should change your underwear first. Start with baby steps like these and you stand a chance of meshing into society again. Not all at once, mind you; there’s plenty of room for peppermint schnapps in your life. Gradually, imperceptibly even, you’ll approach levels of normalcy your star chart hasn’t featured in months. BTW, the stars say your bike lock is shite and that you should buy a new one if you want to keep your ride. OMG!

You obsess about the future this week, Scorpio. Not the immediate relevant future (i.e., next week) but the far-distant future when everyone has forgotten how to make a proper Bloody Mary. Will people still wear clothes? How fast will your computer be? Will Venus be totally jammed with thetans? How much vodka will you be able to buy for a million dollars? Try to get out of the house, Scorpio. If you do, you might meet someone. As long as it’s not Tom Cruise.

Sagittarius, the high life continues another week, and you have charisma to spare. Strangers trust you within two seconds, and people are lining up to put you in their address books. You’ll be reaping positive rewards both professionally and personally for months. Not only that—you’ll also win the lottery, so start buying tickets. (Leave some money for tequila and Galliano.)

The stars are obsessed with vodka this week, Capricorn, which means they’re foisting it on everyone, even Capricorns who would normally opt for gin. Be sure to speak your mind when someone forces a vodka martini on you. You might not have the stones for it, though; your DTs are coming on strong, which is producing a lot of insecurity. Make sure you hide your booze in a flask.

Aquarius, this is a great week for finishing projects. Don’t worry about whether you finish things before your colleagues; just ask yourself if they’re able to accomplish as much as you with half a bottle of Kahlua in their Starbucks grandé. Of course not, Aquarius, because you rule. You’ll have an awesome, carefree week, and Friday will be the best day.

Somebody’s got to do it, Pisces, and this week it’s you. Yes, you’re the designated driver, and the stars are mocking you by recommending cantaloupe juice. Ignore the stars! They are ill-mannered douchebag balls of gas. Just go ahead and be the DD. We all need good friends like you to be our sober drivers, and next week it’ll be somebody else’s turn. Being sober is probably a good idea anyway, because you’ll need to support a friend with a medical problem this week. It doesn’t look good, Pisces, but neither do you with your DTs.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 17–23, already in progress!

Okay, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone totally off the rails. I pleaded with my typist to dump the paid work in favor of this, your guide to the week’s alcohol consumption. But you try reasoning with either of my parents. So here’s a quickie. (Sometimes a quickie is a good thing.)

Aries:

I haven’t seen Snapple at the store in a long time, but the stars want you to get some Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple and liquor it up with Malibu. You’re welcome.

Taurus:

The stars think you should combine gin and vodka (it’s a travesty, just have gin) with 7-Up, lemon juice, and lime juice. Seriously, just gin.

Gemini:

Butterscotch schnapps and Crown Royal. Everyone has those on hand, right?

Cancer:

You get something elaborate to keep you busy. And it will be an appetizing grey-blue if you shake it up correctly: 3 oz Raspberry Stolichnaya, 10 oz margarita mix, 2 oz Blue Curacao, and 2 oz creme de cassis. It will look gross but get you shitfaced.

Leo:

You need a nice hot laced coffee. Pour in some brandy, all the kinds of rum you have, plus froufrou stuff like cinnamon sticks and brown sugar. Yum. You are definitely not going in to work.

Virgo:

Party, party…Midori Melon, Cointreau, vodka, and whatever citrus juice-type things you can rastle up.

Libra:

Absolut. That is all, unless you want to add some lemon.

Scorpio:

Three things: Aftershock Cinnamon, rum, and triple sec. Copious quantities. If it’s too shocking, add some soda.

Sagittarius:

Got some cherry vodka? Shake it with some sloe gin, dry vermouth, and optional pineapple juice. Who needs juice anyway?

Capricorn:

Aha, Southern Comfort rears its ugly head in your star chart. Equal parts sloe gin and amaretto…ahhhh!

Aquarius:

What to do with something as unpalatable and corrosive as Coca-Cola? Why, add Jack Daniel’s and Wild Turkey of course.

Pisces:

Hypnotiq…we have never purchased this at LBHQ, to my great chagrin. The stars command equal parts Hypnotiq and Sprite, plus a report to LBHQ of whatever shenanigans ensue.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 3-6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I won’t be able to sleep if the horoscope is late one more time. Just thinking of you all embarking on your weekends without astrological booze guidance…OMG.

Aries, whatever your ride happens to be, it will need repairs this week. What better reason to fill up on vodka? You’ll be safely out of traffic, so go ahead. Don’t be surprised if none of your emails make sense while you’re pickled, though. You will probably miss an important one from a distant relative with some surprising news, which you’ll read in a drunken haze and not remember. You’ll also pick somebody up on Sunday and not remember that either.

Taurus, get into vacation-planning mode. If you research carefully, you’ll find something cozy and romantic—without blowing your booze budget. Although finances continue to be tight, you can’t afford to put your holiday off; you are a good candidate to go postal. Find a way to calm down before your trip. Cinnamon schnapps tossed into a pint of cider?

Gemini, chores are calling out to you but you’re fantastic at ignoring them. By the end of the week every piece of furniture in your house will be festooned with dirty underwear and dark…brown stains…which are actually chocolate, because this is the week you learn how to make pudding shots. Here’s how you do it:

  • 1 package Jell-O chocolate pudding
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Jose Cuervo
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2 cups frozen fake whipped topping

Mix all the liquids and fold in the fake whipped topping. Whisk it up and freeze in little containers (like the ones you put crackers in for the kids’ lunches). Be careful, these cause stains.

Cancer, your persecution complex will intensify this week despite good weather and plenty of supportive friends. One of the root causes is your lack of money. You enjoy spending generously and it kills you that you can’t invite the whole neighborhood over when you mix up a vat of Malibu and Captain Morgan mango rum. Hang in there; you’ll receive a bonus in June. The liquor store staff will be pleased to see you again.

Leo, you are very fortunate but sometimes you can’t see it. Pay attention to others this week and you’ll see how comparatively well-off you are. And while you’re watching these other people, one of them will catch your interest. This will develop into a sordid but lukewarm adventure involving a cocktail known as Rooster Piss. (Stock up on Jack Daniel’s and cinnamon schnapps.)

Virgo, you’re good at finishing projects you set out to do, and this week you’ll tie off many loose ends, impressing your family and colleagues. You’ll even attract romantic interest on Sunday, making this just about your most successful week of 2013. You deserve to get hammered. Equal parts Firewater, Wild Turkey, and Southern Comfort for you. Yeah!

Libra, you’ll have a bar fight with an Aries this week. Luckily it will peter out quickly, leaving you both to reel off in search of another bar, and, finding only one, sitting down together there and bonding. How touching, Libra—don’t you wish all your brawls were so socially productive? Dare your new friend to try a nasty shot: peach schnapps, milk, and grenadine.

Relax this week, Scorpio. If you chill out for a while, you’ll be able to prioritize tasks better and even blow some of them off. No work this weekend, say the stars—in fact, tack Monday on and make it a three-day rest. Find some friends and start pouring creme de menthe with vodka. Before bedtime, this drink is a plausible substitute for brushing your teeth (take the weekend off that too).

Sagittarius, solid foods are overrated, and the stars feel you should divert some grocery money to alcohol. Is your bar equipped with rum and tequila? Stock it up with essentials and take a pass on food. When you bow to the porcelain altar later, you’ll appreciate the lack of chunks. Sunday’s the best day for your love life.

Even though you’re looking and listening, Capricorn, you’re not processing what you see and hear. Don’t beat yourself up—this is inevitable with a headful of Midori Melon, sloe gin, Absolut, Southern Comfort, and Chambord. You may not be able to take notes on a lecture, but you sure know how to mix a drink. And let’s face it, that’s what matters.

Aquarius, you are exceptionally influential this week. Colleagues willingly become your lackeys, and you won’t hear one dissenting voice at work. It’s as though your eyes are spirals… This is a powerful way to operate, and it will last as long as you hang on to some sobriety. As soon as you mix that lovely combination of vodka, amaretto, and butterscotch schnapps in a cocktail shaker with ice, your will to dominate will disappear. Hmmm. Have you mixed it yet?

Someone is watching you, Pisces, but your neurons are marinating in vanilla schnapps; you don’t even notice this interesting new person. You do get the sense that you are being stalked, however—above and beyond your usual levels of paranoia. Try to sober up a bit and pay attention. Your admirer, a Capricorn, is just as permanently drunk as you. Unless you trip over each other, you’ll continue like two ships in the night. Two freaking wasted ships.