ASTROLIQUOR for May 31 to June 6, already in progress!

Once again, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone sideways. My typist was apparently out on a nature walk. Nature be damned! I said, my fellow inebriates have no celestial guidance on what to drink. Here it is in short strokes.

Aries:

The stars want you to find something exotic…an Italian herbal liqueur called Strega. Got it? Mix 1 oz with 2 oz each of vodka and orange juice (for the vitamins) plus 1/2 oz banana liqueur. Shake with ice and repeat throughout the day, every day this week.

Taurus:

Typically apple cider is kind of cloying—at least the mainstream brands. Throw in an ounce of DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker and tart it up.

Gemini:

Two parts Malibu, 1 part Blue Curacao, 6 parts OJ. Let the Curacao sink to the bottom, just like your ambitions for the week.

Cancer:

You need some moonshine—preferably some smuggled home in a suitcase from Ireland. We’re talking Poteen, and it should have a vague petroleum smell. Mix with equal parts Irish whisky and Bailey’s Irish Cream, then chase it with a Guinness. Say hi to the Leprechauns when they show up.

Leo:

It’s time to blow your budget on silly-flavored vodka…how about vanilla? Mix it up with creme de bananes and some random juices (cranberry? orange? who cares?).

Virgo:

We’re talking vodka (3 parts) and black sambuca (1 part). Incorporate this nasty mixture into every hour of your life this week. Pretty soon your poo will be an inky black color (and not solid).

Libra:

It calls itself a martini but it’s more of a fauxtini: Grey Goose plus Chambord, equal parts. Ahhh!

Scorpio:

Your life just isn’t weird enough, so try this out: 6 oz dark rum, 3 oz Kahlua, 3 oz cream, 4 oz milk. Then (get this) add a twist of lemon and one clove. Nuke it, but don’t nuke the shit out of it.

Sagittarius:

This is called a Dead Budgie: a bunch of coconut rum and banana liqueur with juice and grenadine (for the blood? OMG).

Capricorn:

Triple sec and raspberry schnapps are pretty good together, but even better with some sweet-and-sour mix and OJ. Equal parts of everything. Do, say…10 shots.

Aquarius:

The stars have bananas on the brain this week, and your drink like dessert. Blend a banana with 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream, 2 oz Godiva (OMG, yes!) and 1/2 oz dark rum. All day long.

Pisces:

Ice-cold gin in a 2:3 ratio with orange juice…ahhhh!! If the math is too hard, keep adding parts of each until you don’t care.

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Banana schnapps it ain’t—P’s amoxicillin tastes like ass

My Fellow Inebriates,

What would YOU do if you woke up and found this on the breakfast table?

Damn straight, I slammed that shooter back.

Only it wasn’t a shooter. It was Miss P’s amoxicillin.

While I was retching…

Mum: P, you took your medicine already! I didn’t even have to ask you. Good job!

Innocent smile from P.

LB: WTF was that? OMG, that was the worst shooter I ever had!

Mum: Amoxicillin. P, did you take this medicine?

V: Mummy, what’s LB doing? Silly LB! Is LB throwing up?

Mum: P, did you give your medicine to LB?

P: No.

This was true.

Mum: So you just shot this back, LB? Dude.

LB: What the hell was in that? OMG, seriously, you’re making P take this 21 times?

Mum: Well, 20 now, since you’ve taken one of them.

P: I don’t mind sharing.

LB: Holy shit, what flavor is that supposed to be? That wasn’t like any shooter at any bar that I’ve ever had ever! OMG!

V: It’s banana, yellow banana.

LB: OMFG! So will it at least give me a buzz?

Mum: No. All it will do is alert any bad microbes you have of amoxicillin’s antimicrobial properties, enabling them to develop resistance and evolve into a stronger strain. So thanks for nothing, buddy.

But P was clearly happy yours truly had taken the bullet. Even though she still had to take another dose, she was that much closer to the end of the bottle.

After a nasty experience like this morning’s, I need a proper banana shooter.