My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Get ready to work really hard this week, Aries. You’re feeling industrious, and your ass is feeling cold, so warm it up with some mulled wine:
- 4 cups madeira
- 1/2 cup honey
- Juice of one lemon
- Orange peel from one orange
- 6 cloves
- Cinnamon stick
- 1/2 cup Grand Marnier
Heat the first six ingredients in a saucepan, then let cook gently on low for ten minutes. Ready? Add the Grand Marnier. Work hard and perfect it so you can leave some out for Santa next month.
Kick back, Taurus, relax and get loaded. You’re a natural glutton, so throw some nice high-cal liqueurs together and jettison the guilt. Try Kahlua, Irish whiskey and Bailey’s in equal parts—ice is optional.
You’re all wired up with too much energy, Gemini. Slow your brain down with some shooters: equal parts Irish cream liqueur, butternut schnapps and Fireball.
If you hit the bars this week, Cancer, you need some reconnaissance. Know where the bathrooms are and make sure you have a drinking buddy. I like vanilla Stolichnaya for you, but mix it with some Mountain Dew so you don’t get too shitfaced.
This is a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. When you’re generous, you’re generous, so go all-out, hit the bar and buy everyone a Hypnotiq shot with Sprite.
Virgo, your willingness to confide everything to others could get you in trouble this week. Liquor won’t help, but have some anyway. Try mixing several varieties of rum with some sugar and lime.
You can’t go around in skid-marked underwear, Libra. Take responsibility for your actions and drink more slowly. This means mixing your vodka with juice. Try grape juice or lemonade.
Everybody wants a piece of you, Scorpio, so you need a gross-out drink that no one will want to share. Hmmm…have you ever mixed creme de cacao with raspberry vodka and Grand Marnier? Give it a shot and see if it keeps people away.
Sagittarius, I’m thinking Jim Beam for you this week, but only if you mix it with tequila. You’re really good at making a good first impression, but then you become an annoying drunk, so keep it moving and don’t stay in any one bar too long.
It’s time to jettison logic and rationality, Capricorn. That fits right in with copious alcohol consumption, and I see you loading up on Stolichnaya vodka in a 2:1 ration with Jagermeister. It’ll make you hairy all over, which I don’t mind at all.
Failure is getting to you, Aquarius, so grab some booze and start networking. You need Vodka, and not the cheap stuff. Get your contacts drinking martinis and the promotion will be yours.
Pisces, you’re broke and in the gutter again—oh no! Take it easy and lie low while you make a plan. This is the time to economize with some mainstream beer.