ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 15–21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Gear up for some excitement, Aries—maybe a housewrecker party or a night of bar-hopping. You’ll be out all night and end up conflating breakfast with, well, more drinking. Try blending up a cup of banana schnapps with some bananas for a wholesome breakfast. While you’re replenishing your potassium and blood-alcohol percentage, why not email that Leo you had the one-night stand with last year? He/she will be delighted to hear from you, especially in your condition.

Taurus, you’re due for an ignominious week. Expect to break a lot of bottles…a lot. Be stoic when someone attacks you for your recklessness; the criticism is less about you than it is about this douchebag’s own unhappy life. If he/she pounded the orange vodka and Cointreau the way you do, life would be sunny. Someone will make you an appealing offer this week. Lay off the vodka briefly so you can consider it—it might be too good to be true.

A friend needs you again, Gemini, but you just don’t feel like helping. Ordinarily you’re good at navigating such situations, but this particular friend gets you with a brainful of Malibu and, well, you just don’t care. The person seeking help feels very bonded to you emotionally and will be offended when you ignore the pleas, so you may have to employ some diplomacy later. That or just pour yourself some more Malibu.

The pressure continues, Cancer. Not only are your finances still #&*%^#—so are your mental faculties. Just when you think you understand a difficult concept, it slips away. Losing one’s mental capacity is one of the most frightening prospects anyone can face, especially if it wasn’t any hell to begin with. Consider visiting the doctor or, if you just don’t want to know for sure, maintain a constant buzz. How about gin, Malibu, and sour apple liqueur? That should keep prevent your remaining neurons from worrying.

Leo, you’ll get a very lucrative monetary offer, job offer, or maybe just a sales flyer from your favorite store. Listen to your emotions as you make your decision. Whether you end up taking the deal, refusing it, or just blowing all your cash at Walmart, make sure you have enough left to stock your bar. You’re running out of vanilla liqueur and probably a whack of other important liquor-store items. The stars want you to mix the liqueur with orange juice and milk. I say just drink it straight.

What happens when you combine Corona with tequila and grenadine at work, Virgo? You may just end up getting a raise, as your brash, uninhibited self takes over from your mousy daytime personality and wows your boss. Especially if your boss is an Aquarius, the stars say do it. If that doesn’t work out (and let’s face it, some people consider tequila and work incompatible),  you’ll probably end up winning some lottery cash. But don’t spend it all! The stars are malevolent about your finances in April.

Libra, a natural disaster has you in its sights. Water may well be involved, so take whatever precautions occur to you. Of course, the stars may be exaggerating—you might just have your toilet back up after your five-year-old feeds an entire roll of toilet paper to it. Either way, you’ll need to stock up on liquor. Put that crazy kid to bed and mix this number:

  • 4 parts Hypnotiq
  • 4 parts gin
  • 2 parts tequila
  • 8 parts pineapple juice (optional)
  • 8 parts Sprite (optional)

Make sure you’re well prepared for any conferences you attend this week, Scorpio. In the past you’ve arrived with a flask of gin and Dr. Pepper and only barely managed to comport yourself. Afterwards when the meeting minutes got circulated, the whole thing seemed new to you—especially the bits with that clown who made all the asinine comments. The stars don’t insist on 100% sobriety for work; but they don’t want you to be totally embarrassed either, so find the right balance.

Sagittarius, your computer will act up this week; you’ll suspect a virus, and you’re actually due for one considering all the porn you’ve been downloading, but the real problem is your computer’s age. You don’t have the greatest head for troubleshooting, especially while lit up with vodka and vermouth. Try to resist the urge to throw the whole rig out the window, cinematic as that might be. Don’t shoot at it either. Just get some fresh air and/or more vodka.

No nitpicking for you this week, Capricorn. Examining things minutely only leads to misery and subverts decision making. Your intuition is a better guide than intense analysis. If you can’t inhibit your inner critic, dose it with tequila and peach schnapps. On another note entirely, try not to be jealous. Again, tequila will help.

Aquarius, you border on stalking when it comes to a certain Leo. Other people are noticing and becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your inappropriate behavior. What you need is a diversion. Find a big jug and fill it with 3 parts Malibu, 6 parts cognac, and 6 parts Jim Beam. This is a great way to forget about Leos, and anything else for that matter.

Pisces, a friend from old times will email this week with shocking news. Refrain from responding right away; you’re far too pickled in banana rum to be judging your friend. If you can’t resist hitting the “send” button, be prepared to fix a damaged relationship or even retract what you’ve said. All of which is typical for Pisces any week, regardless of celestial influence. But don’t say the stars didn’t try to help!

Apples vs pears…holding your nose to vote (or adding ice)…a hint of corruption…but you have Absolut power…America votes and this bear gets shitfaced watching the election coverage

OMG, my American inebriate friends, I am so excited about your election. I wish I could vote! (Not that bears can vote in Canada.)

All our favorite alcohol purveyors are shamelessly on board with the election…

Two candidates. Who gets your vote?

Original! Original! Pear is just a grab for sweet-toothed underage drinkers!


Let your vote be heard. Neat or on the rocks?

This one’s a toughie. For Jim Beam I’m gonna say with ice. Sort of like holding your nose and voting.


Vota por Corona. Siempre la elección correcta.
(Vote for Corona. Always the right choice.)

Corona probably doesn’t have any business talking about elections. This marketplace bully with its light mediocrity is so ubiquitous that everyone can remember a party where there was nothing but Corona—even if they “voted” for something else. Kind of like a Mexican election.


The future begins with you.

Just remember, if you fill your head full of vodka before you hit the polling station, try not to spoil your ballot! And if they try to prevent you voting because you’re intoxicated, stand your ground, my fellow inebriates. Voting drunk isn’t illegal—just being publicly intoxicated, and they can arrest you after you cast your ballot. Bring your toothbrush!



One last image on this important day, not of alcohol but of art…

My belated contribution to the recent Horses and Bayonets post third debate meme; a new addition in my continuing (over the course of the past four years) Obama Unicorn series; a painting of a nude Mitt Romney riding on Rafalca the dancing horse and battling President Barack Obama nude on a unicorn                                                                 —artist Dan Lacey


ASTROLIQUOR for November 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you won’t want to get out of bed this week. Your hair is matted with amaretto and coconut milk. Shake it off and take a shower. Better still, head for a public bath and inflict your funk on others. After some heavy-duty scrubbing you’ll be ready to give that work presentation the amaretto was helping you forget. Chill out, it will succeed, and then you’ll be invited to a nice restaurant. Drinks on the corporate card 🙂

Taurus, try to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This will be especially challenging, as pomegranate vodka tends to quash REM sleep. Do try though, and add some triple sec to shake your neurons up—it may lead to an exciting invention or piece of art, which in turn will lead to an enchanting flirtation.

Cupid aims right at you on Sunday, Gemini, although the stars like to hedge their bets by saying love/fornication could happen on any of the days preceding or following that blessed day. Vodka will break the ice, but your longterm partner may break your head when he/she sees you mating with someone new. Ouch!

Cancer, over the years your relationships have changed. While some friendships have slipped away, the alcohol-fueled ones are going strong, yet becoming less meaningful. Rather than overanalyze it, throw yourself into a creative project. Sip just enough Bailey’s to retain your presence of mind, especially if power tools are involved. Stop thinking about sleeping with that Aquarius; it’s not worth the hassle.

Leo, you’re usually good at standing up for yourself, but this week people use and abuse you. Could it be that Jose Cuervo compromises your feelings of self-worth? OMG! Seek out positive people who assist you in pursuing self-awareness. Mind your boundaries and tell the neighbor who wants to borrow a cup of sugar to take a hike.

The stars call for dangerous personal interactions this week, Virgo. They say (they say) your marriage or longterm relationship will benefit if you have a fling with a stranger. Keep in mind that the stars are really far away and pretty busy carrying out complex nuclear reactions that convert lighter elements into heavy ones. They don’t know shit about love and sex, and when they tell you to mix stout and cider they have no idea how it will turn out. That shit would evaporate on the surface of a star. It wouldn’t even exist in the first place. Stupid stars.

Libra, your loyalty is challenged this week. Be careful about excessive horniness. If you have a spouse, carefully consider the implications of straying.  Maybe you’d do better to avoid temptation and hole up with a 46er of Seagrams 7. If you need to soul-search, find an Aries to talk to, but not one covered in rancid coconut milk and amaretto.

The stars know your life is on an uptick, Scorpio, but they persist in recommending silly drinks. Corona with a shot of rum in it? Sounds gross, but things are going so well for you that…why not? With your positive energy, you’re a magnet for friends right now. Have a party on Saturday and get rid of all that Corona. If you don’t, who knows what the stars will want you to throw in it next week.

Sagittarius, try expressing your feelings this week; it’ll improve your work relationships and help you shake off that nagging worry that there’s a target on your back. Sunday’s your best day; mix this up:

  • 2 oz Cointreau
  • 2 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz cognac
  • 2 oz apricot brandy

Looks like you’ll be calling in sick on Monday; isn’t it great you sorted all your crap out first?

Are you single, Capricorn? This week two suitors will vie for your affection. Go for the one who can handle a daily breakfast pick-me-up of Bailey’s, Frangelico, and Grand Marnier. But don’t feel obligated to make it work. Your flirtatious period starts this Sunday and carries on through January, so you have time to be choosy.

Aquarius, you’ll face a big decision this week involving career, finance, or both. It may have to do with your job sucking. Would you rather go to school? Or would you like another job? Don’t ask your family to weigh in; they’ve been waiting to stage an intervention regarding the pile of whiskey bottles on your lawn. (Class it up with some vermouth and benedictine while you consider your life choices.)

Pisces, this week you decide that money and career are not that important. Given that you have neither, this is a deeply satisfying conclusion. But do think about your living arrangements and sustenance; you need minimal necessities, and your J&B, Crown Royal, and Southern Comfort won’t just come out of the ether.