ASTROLIQUOR for February 22 to March 1, already in progress

My  Fellow Inebriates,

You’ve been operating three days now without a booze horoscope and, while I would never say you’re drinking the wrong beverages, the stars are assholish and would rather you did their bidding. Now, if only the stars could get my typist to generate a horoscope on time. Apparently my parents are too busy “working for money” to rescue my paws from a near-impossible typing chore.

Aries:

Melon liqueur and tequila means spring is coming (unless you live down under, in which case, drink it anyway). Add some grapefruit juice, a lime slice, and a cherry. Complete meal.

Taurus:

Got 1.75 L of Everclear? You might if you don’t live in Canada (sigh). Jack that shit up with Red Bull, Country Tyme, and 24 cans of cheap hockey beer. Take Monday off work.

Gemini:

Grapefruit soda goes great with Beefeater. But Beefeater’s even better by itself.

Cancer:

You get to be the designated driver this week. Don’t worry, I know how it feels—LBHQ is dry right now.

Leo:

Why eat blueberry muffins when you can combine blueberry and vanilla vodka? That’s breakfast, all week long.

Virgo:

You deserve some rich, boozy dessert: Kahlua, vodka, and Bailey’s, blended up with some actual ice cream, milk, and ice. OMG, that sounds good, especially without the ice cream, milk, and ice.

Libra:

Another elaborate and silly drink for you. Hollow out some kind of tropical fruit. Fill it with amaretto, rum, and pineapple juice (that’s it! use the pineapple).

Scorpio:

It’s a boozy week and we need another designated driver. Tag, you’re it! You get to drink a nice wholesome milkshake while watching pals get pissed.

Sagittarius:

The stars like to experiment on you, Sag. Equal parts Bailey’s, Blue Curacao, and Pernod. OMG, what the hell will that even look like?

Capricorn:

The stars double-dare you this week. Firewater cinnamon schnapps + Tequila Rose strawberry cream liqueur = hell knows what. Lucky you.

Aquarius:

Bacardi with random juice for you. How about raspberry and orange? Another fine breakfast.

Pisces:

I just discovered they make root beer schnapps. Exactly why, who knows, but the stars want you to mix it up with Orange Crush, take your swampwater to a movie, and make a public nuisance of yourself. In other words, the usual.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 29 to July 5—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

With this weekend comes an urge to cook for friends, Aries. Do your prep sober so you avoid poisoning them (again). Once the table’s spread, anything goes, and you have the choice of a Leo or a Capricorn, both amorously beer-goggled. Make sure their “go” signals are really “go” signals. If you must use questionable judgment, mix two shots banana liqueur and one shot vodka into a glass of Chardonnay. Repeat until you negate the danger of being an annoyance. Sleep it off where no one will trip over you.

Taurus, thanks to memory dropouts you forgot that your April spending would catch up to you by late June. Now you face Canada and/or Independence Day with an empty bar. OMG, what can you sell? Hurry, you must have some heirlooms or a stamp collection. Get them up on Craig’s List so you can buy some Jagermeister, rum, and bourbon. Then do what any patriot would do: shake ’em up together and pour into an ice-filled cocktail glass.

You’ve blown all your renovation money on Southern Comfort, Gemini, but you can still buy a couple of small items to brighten your space. Even a can of touch-up paint would help dress up those drunken dents in the wall. Never mind how difficult it is to get Blue Curacao out of the rug! Be cheerful about the little fix-it purchases. When you’re done you can invite friends for another house-wrecker.

If you take somebody out for lunch, Cancer, it might turn into a liquid lunch. Self-discipline is curiously elusive—these days you’re waking up to a sherry/pernod/vermouth mouthwash, and food just absorbs it, allowing you to drink more. Still, a social meal might rekindle an important friendship, especially on Saturday. Keep an eye on this person; pernod goggles are even more powerful than beer goggles. My girlfriend Dolly says she needs a lot of pernod to “keep me in focus.”

Leo, you’re watching a lot of porn without considering real-life relationships. Try not to conflate the two—no one’s really going to deliver you a pizza in a thong. (Well, you might be wearing a thong.) Dating possibilities include a Gemini, a Sagittarius, and a fellow Leo, none of whom will approach you wearing a thong. Try getting to know them. Don’t just liquor them up with banana and peach schnapps. Give the schnapps to any bears you encounter, especially if they’re wearing thongs.

This is the best week in ages for friendship, Virgo, offering the chance to mend old misunderstandings and get back an old drinking buddy. Ask yourself what the conflict was originally about. Can you even remember? Chances are it was insignificant, although it may have involved nudity. Fact is, you don’t remember. You were hammered at the time on vodka, Kahlua, and Guinness—pounded from a 2L Coke bottle.

Libra, concentration comes with great difficulty this week. Your many personal troubles include a brewing identity crisis that may prompt a domino-like tumble of your values. If you’re a carnivore, you may renounce meat. If you’re a vegetarian, you may get naked and start chowing down on another homeless person’s face. Try getting out more often, and if you do get a meat craving, here’s your drink:

  • 5 oz vodka
  • 6 oz beef bouillon
  • 2 tsp lemon juice
  • Tabasco to taste
  • Worcestershire to taste
  • Celery salt to taste

The stars are happy for you this week, Scorpio. The revolving door keeps delivering funny, entertaining visitors bearing drinks, music, and tasty gossip. Day and night they will regale you, but mind an enigmatic-looking Pisces, possibly wearing black. This person is deep. You’ll have conversations you remember forever—unless you get out of hand with the brandy and creme de cacao.

Sagittarius, you’re still under pressure this week, negotiating heavily at work and in your private financial world. You’re unusually assertive and decisive; security personnel leave you alone at airports, and for a change no one tries to put you in handcuffs. Could it be liquid confidence? Who knows what your blood alcohol level is, but if you’re ever going to attempt 10 amaretto shooters, this is the week.

Until mid-August you can expect a charmed life, Capricorn. Friends flock to you, instinctively recognizing the merriment that follows a happy person. Shake some gin up with Red Bull and pour everyone a round. You’re giving them energy, which means they have to entertain you. Enjoy it for now, because one of them might sue you in August.

Aquarius, take stock of your life this week. Honestly ask yourself: have you lost interest in your goals? Perhaps you’ve changed; maybe you’ve matured. Should you redefine your priorities and take a different path? Or are you just too drunk to be on a path at all? With all that Jack Daniel’s in your system, that might be it. Ask yourself in the morning.

Pisces, if you have any important decisions looming, you might want to wait a  while. The stars are being dickish again, serving up lashings of pessimism until August. The stars are so negative about finances and negotiations for July that they insist you hole up with the biggest supply of Malibu and Crown Royal you can muster. Wait out this bad patch on the bathroom floor, clinging to the toilet to stop the room spinning. When August comes, consider going into politics.

11 Liqueurs Your Coffee Mug is Crying Out For

My Fellow Inebriates,

The cat likes it too.

For anybody who isn’t in retail, this is a lazy week. And what’s the best way to start a lazy day? Why, a booze/coffee combo. Even if you’re about to get on the bus for work, a little shot of something in your java can mellow out your morning in the very best way. And it’s a great way to delay any workout resolutions—it’s pretty hard to get through an aerobics class with a headful of crème de menthe. Working out is for next year. There’s precious little time left in 2011 to drink.

So what shall we pour?

We’ve got a zillion choices, so let’s break it down.

Chocolate liqueurs. A natural with coffee, these elixirs include crème de cacao, Godiva white chocolate, and a host of flavored variants that morph coffee from a workaday wake-up tool to an earth-shattering tango in the mouth. Yes, do it! Pour Mozart into your coffee (better still, pour a small amount of coffee into your Mozart) and start your day on a high. Have to work? Take your flask on the bus. Mmmmmmmm.

Fruit liqueurs. From orchard to pineapple grove, these products delight and surprise. But will they work in your coffee? Absolutely! Think Cointreau or Malibu or—for sporting tastebuds—Midori melon or Limoncello. It’s not gross; it’s breakfast, and it will make your day better.

Honey liqueurs. Honey and coffee are another natural pair, so up the ante by adding Drambuie or Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. You’ve nowhere to go, right?

Too strong to drink without alcohol.

Coffee liqueurs. Coffee + Coffee = Yum. Especially if your parents make nuclear coffee the way mine do. When a spoon can stand up in your coffee, there’s no point trying to make something stand out in it. Add some Kahlua, Tia Maria or Starbucks.

Flower liqueurs. I dare you to add one of these weird things to your coffee: Crème de Rose, Lavender Liqueur, or Shan Hibiscus. Why not? You know I would.

Nutty liqueurs. These do the dance with coffee better than most liqueurs, and you may need some to help you recover from your lavender experiment. Frangelico, Amaretto, Peanut Lolita—all of these are go-for-takeoff.

Whiskey liqueurs. Sometimes you just want the taste of booze in your coffee. Wild Turkey, Irish Mist, Glenturret liqueur are all good add-ins when you just want a hit but you feel too socially constrained to drink the stuff straight.

Bust out and wear a dress.

Cream liqueurs. If you normally add cream to your coffee, these are a logical substitute. Booze manufacturers make cream of everything. Some Dulce de Leche? Mmmm. Heather Cream? No doubt. Any of the Irish cream array? You bet your widening ass. Tequila Rose? I probably get to keep that for myself 😉

Berry liqueurs. Weird alone, never mind with coffee, these are a must-serve when your guests have stayed the night after New Year’s and you just want them to get the hell out.

Anise liqueurs. As natural as these are with coffee in many areas of the world, Ouzo java might knock you out with its shocking heaviness and ineradicable aftertaste. Also good for giving sleepover guests the heave-ho.

Herbal liqueurs. You thought Pernod and Crème de Cassis were weird with coffee? Try Jagermeister in your mug. Or Minttu (peppermint). How about Everglo (tequila/vodka/caffeine/ginseng)? Whoa! I love these drinks when I have absolutely no other options.

When in doubt and all else fails, add Southern Comfort. Ahhhhhh.