ASTROLIQUOR for February 22 to March 1, already in progress

My  Fellow Inebriates,

You’ve been operating three days now without a booze horoscope and, while I would never say you’re drinking the wrong beverages, the stars are assholish and would rather you did their bidding. Now, if only the stars could get my typist to generate a horoscope on time. Apparently my parents are too busy “working for money” to rescue my paws from a near-impossible typing chore.


Melon liqueur and tequila means spring is coming (unless you live down under, in which case, drink it anyway). Add some grapefruit juice, a lime slice, and a cherry. Complete meal.


Got 1.75 L of Everclear? You might if you don’t live in Canada (sigh). Jack that shit up with Red Bull, Country Tyme, and 24 cans of cheap hockey beer. Take Monday off work.


Grapefruit soda goes great with Beefeater. But Beefeater’s even better by itself.


You get to be the designated driver this week. Don’t worry, I know how it feels—LBHQ is dry right now.


Why eat blueberry muffins when you can combine blueberry and vanilla vodka? That’s breakfast, all week long.


You deserve some rich, boozy dessert: Kahlua, vodka, and Bailey’s, blended up with some actual ice cream, milk, and ice. OMG, that sounds good, especially without the ice cream, milk, and ice.


Another elaborate and silly drink for you. Hollow out some kind of tropical fruit. Fill it with amaretto, rum, and pineapple juice (that’s it! use the pineapple).


It’s a boozy week and we need another designated driver. Tag, you’re it! You get to drink a nice wholesome milkshake while watching pals get pissed.


The stars like to experiment on you, Sag. Equal parts Bailey’s, Blue Curacao, and Pernod. OMG, what the hell will that even look like?


The stars double-dare you this week. Firewater cinnamon schnapps + Tequila Rose strawberry cream liqueur = hell knows what. Lucky you.


Bacardi with random juice for you. How about raspberry and orange? Another fine breakfast.


I just discovered they make root beer schnapps. Exactly why, who knows, but the stars want you to mix it up with Orange Crush, take your swampwater to a movie, and make a public nuisance of yourself. In other words, the usual.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 23-29—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’d like to make love to a movie star or news reporter. No luck there! You will have a hook-up on a downtown bus, though…late at night, with a vagrant reeking of Beefeater. Soak up the experience! It will shake you to your core. You’ll find yourself daydreaming about it the next day…in the grocery store, at the gym…. Better buy some Beefeater. After all, smell is the sense most tied to memory.

Taurus, where is this new independence and responsibility coming from? Not only are you kicking ass at work; you’re contemplating self-improvement seminars and community education—possibly even a cult. Your newfound self-sufficiency even extends to love. Once upon a time you’d have jumped at the chance to have sex with a gin-soaked derelict on a moving bus. But this week…you have no problem saying no.

Maybe it’s the tequila, Gemini, or possibly the Blue Curacao, but I see you in a Turkish bath surrounded by sweaty moobs. This joyful living peaks on Wednesday, when you emerge from your communal nude-fest, go to work after a long and inexplicable absence, and make your boss notice you. You can do no wrong, Gemini!

Cancer, have you forgotten what a screw-up you were at work last week? Apparently so, because you’ve taken that disciplinary talk your boss gave you and applied it to all your colleagues. Tattle-tales will get you nowhere, and doesn’t everyone take Wite-Out home? Instead of being an insufferable douchebag, make yourself a treat:

  • 3 oz white chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Galiano
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • Milk to taste (I’m having “none”)

Leo, you’re rebounded from last week’s insecurities in a characteristically manic way. You radiate confidence and everyone notices. Now’s the time to boost that inner glow with a big-ass bottle of UV Blue vodka. What is that flavor, you wonder? OMG, it’s raspberries! Blue raspberries! Just like in nature. The artificiality just about makes your head split open. You should definitely drink the whole bottle.

Don’t speak your true thoughts, Virgo, or you’ll end up getting your ass kicked at the pub. Keep critical thoughts to yourself while your brain cells are swimming in Malibu. True enough, Malibu is a veritable truth serum, but if you make an effort you can control it at least as well as you control your bladder. No? Maybe you should stay at home, at least until Friday. Too bad they don’t make Depends for your mouth.

Libra, when you behave superficially you attract people, so keep it up. You’ll hook up with a colleague this week, which should feed the gossip machine. Most star charts would advise discretion, but not this one. You should have a blow-out party and invite everyone from work, dramatically illuminating your crazy new relationship and obviating the need to fill out one of those disclosure forms with HR. Here’s your party punch:

  • 1 bottle Everclear
  • 1 bottle vodka
  • 1 bottle tequila
  • A bunch of Red Bull, Sunny D, and Hawaiian Punch
  • Fresh floating fruit (for the vitamins)

You consider meditating this week, Scorpio. Maybe there’s something to this spirituality stuff, right? After about 10 minutes you come to your senses and pour a big pitcher of Goldschlager, Jack Daniels, and Aftershock…ahhh! That’s a much better way to your Third Eye. No gambling this week unless you’re totally sure you’re going to win. Uh, yeah. Right.

Sagittarius, normally you’re good at keeping the peace with your partner, but this week you turn into a maniac. That’s what comes of lengthy teetotalling (the stars say you gave up the bottle for a good five days). Oh no! You had nothing but crap in your liquor cabinet, so when you decided abstinence wasn’t for you, your only bender ingredients were some nasty old vermouth and apple brandy. No wonder you were so testy. Go out and buy some proper booze.

You’re suddenly inundated by friends, Capricorn. You’ll make tons of new contacts, some charming but most boring. You’ll need a lot of vodka mint martinis to make them seem interesting! The one exception will be a Scorpio—possibly a friend of a friend, possibly a hobo on a bus. Be open-minded and go with it 🙂

Aquarius, a fortnight-long misunderstanding gets cleared up this week. It’ll be nice to be out of custody and breathe some fresh air. Avoid buses, police stations, Virgos, pragmatists, lemons, and expensive Scotch. You need a cheap blend while you put your life back together, friend. Come to LBHQ and have some Wisers.

Pisces, make no decisions this week about anything. Your choices typically involve Bacardi 151, and you know how that works out. No driving, either, this week! At the best of times you have no business being in a car, and you’ll have a lot more fun if you eliminate the temptation to drive. BTW, the stars say there’s some fungus on your body but they don’t say where.

GORDON’S LONDON DRY GIN—Gin that tastes like gin

My Fellow Inebriates,

The house got turned upside down this morning in a search for this.

It was the umpteenth search for a teeny Chihuahua whose owner keeps stuffing it into small spaces and then freaking out when it’s AWOL for bedtime.

By the time Chihuahua was finally discovered in the car, it felt like gin-and-tonic time. And, while my mum informed me 10:30am was too early (arbitrary on her part, wouldn’t you say?) she did agree to break out the GORDON’S LONDON DRY GIN again this evening.

The $12.69 mickey in our freezer represents another infidelity to BROKER’S GIN and by extension its lovely Business Development Manager Julia Gale, a woman who once savaged her knee busting out on a dance floor to Love Shack by the B52s.

I know (I think?) I promised Julia I’d wait for her delicious gin to be reinstalled at our government booze store, but I’m not made of stone.*

It all started with BEEFEATER 24, a purportedly higher-end version of the famously juniperous BEEFEATER marketed as a tea-infused homage to the founder’s dad’s penchant for that beverage—but really a cagey gimmick to gain market share by offering options within its own brand. When I espied the new BEEFEATER variety I was briefly blinded by it and forgot that I was holding out for BROKER’S. But BEEFEATER 24, while enjoyable, is a bit of a departure from traditional gin, so it felt like a miss (in retrospect). A couple of weeks after it was finished, I told my mother we needed some normal gin so I could feel better—both about my breach of trust with Julia and about my delirium tremens—but she said no. She said we need to keep our booze spending down to a dull roar.

Luckily my mother is weak-willed; as soon as the thermometer surpassed 30° she relented and started considering gin of her own accord. But only a mickey! (For tasting purposes.)

Thus rationed, I requested GORDON’S because it struck me as a good baseline, standard-issue gin. Chances are, every other gin-based cocktail you’ve ordered at a bar has been made with Gordon’s; it has the widest reach of any gin. I really felt (Julia) that it would be quite an omission if I didn’t procure some.

GORDON’S isn’t the cheapest gin on the shelf but it’s one of only two available (in my hood) in a plastic mickey. This makes it fantastic for lurching around a parking lot with—a distinction it shares with the bottom-shelf Canadian gin GILBEY’S, which is the cheapest, and which my parents won’t let me review unless I manage to procure a free sample.

The last time my aging parents bought a mickey, they probably did so to spike a punch. That’s how weird the purchase felt, they said, although I think they were just bitching about taking “bear requests.”


  • Plastic 375mL bottle—awesome
  • $12.69 price tag—almost as good as it gets
  • Limes—check
  • Superstore house brand tonic water—check
  • Expectations—low to middling

Little did we know last night how much of today would be devoted to hunting a three-inch Chihuahua. I think we should have had four ounces apiece, but we settled for two in tall tumblers with lots of ice.


Not bad, not bad. Especially considering the slight weirdness of our BEEFEATER 24 experience (although not as weird as HENDRICK’S). GORDON’S serves up exactly what’s needed in a decent G&T. Good infusion, good balance—more than serviceable and thoroughly underrated by gin snobs. It is, after all, the world’s best-selling gin.

But it’s not for gin noobs! GORDON’S hits all the traditional gin notes, and it hits them hard. If you’re looking for a gin that doesn’t really taste like gin, GORDON’S is not for you. If you don’t really like the taste of gin, there’s a whole shelf of gins crafted for you, with bizarro tasting notes like “cucumber” and “nothing.” If all the bottles came to life after the liquor store went dark at night, GORDON’S would kick the shit out of those pretty gin bottles. And maybe BROKER’S would help it if it was ever reinstated in the store.

I know, I know, it’s silly to anthropomorphize the gin bottles. Next thing you know I’ll be imagining Chihuahua is a real dog.