My  Fellow Inebriates,

You’ve been operating three days now without a booze horoscope and, while I would never say you’re drinking the wrong beverages, the stars are assholish and would rather you did their bidding. Now, if only the stars could get my typist to generate a horoscope on time. Apparently my parents are too busy “working for money” to rescue my paws from a near-impossible typing chore.

Aries:

Melon liqueur and tequila means spring is coming (unless you live down under, in which case, drink it anyway). Add some grapefruit juice, a lime slice, and a cherry. Complete meal.

Taurus:

Got 1.75 L of Everclear? You might if you don’t live in Canada (sigh). Jack that shit up with Red Bull, Country Tyme, and 24 cans of cheap hockey beer. Take Monday off work.

Gemini:

Grapefruit soda goes great with Beefeater. But Beefeater’s even better by itself.

Cancer:

You get to be the designated driver this week. Don’t worry, I know how it feels—LBHQ is dry right now.

Leo:

Why eat blueberry muffins when you can combine blueberry and vanilla vodka? That’s breakfast, all week long.

Virgo:

You deserve some rich, boozy dessert: Kahlua, vodka, and Bailey’s, blended up with some actual ice cream, milk, and ice. OMG, that sounds good, especially without the ice cream, milk, and ice.

Libra:

Another elaborate and silly drink for you. Hollow out some kind of tropical fruit. Fill it with amaretto, rum, and pineapple juice (that’s it! use the pineapple).

Scorpio:

It’s a boozy week and we need another designated driver. Tag, you’re it! You get to drink a nice wholesome milkshake while watching pals get pissed.

Sagittarius:

The stars like to experiment on you, Sag. Equal parts Bailey’s, Blue Curacao, and Pernod. OMG, what the hell will that even look like?

Capricorn:

The stars double-dare you this week. Firewater cinnamon schnapps + Tequila Rose strawberry cream liqueur = hell knows what. Lucky you.

Aquarius:

Bacardi with random juice for you. How about raspberry and orange? Another fine breakfast.

Pisces:

I just discovered they make root beer schnapps. Exactly why, who knows, but the stars want you to mix it up with Orange Crush, take your swampwater to a movie, and make a public nuisance of yourself. In other words, the usual.