My Fellow Inebriates,
You’ve been operating three days now without a booze horoscope and, while I would never say you’re drinking the wrong beverages, the stars are assholish and would rather you did their bidding. Now, if only the stars could get my typist to generate a horoscope on time. Apparently my parents are too busy “working for money” to rescue my paws from a near-impossible typing chore.
Aries:
Melon liqueur and tequila means spring is coming (unless you live down under, in which case, drink it anyway). Add some grapefruit juice, a lime slice, and a cherry. Complete meal.
Taurus:
Got 1.75 L of Everclear? You might if you don’t live in Canada (sigh). Jack that shit up with Red Bull, Country Tyme, and 24 cans of cheap hockey beer. Take Monday off work.
Gemini:
Grapefruit soda goes great with Beefeater. But Beefeater’s even better by itself.
Cancer:
You get to be the designated driver this week. Don’t worry, I know how it feels—LBHQ is dry right now.
Leo:
Why eat blueberry muffins when you can combine blueberry and vanilla vodka? That’s breakfast, all week long.
Virgo:
You deserve some rich, boozy dessert: Kahlua, vodka, and Bailey’s, blended up with some actual ice cream, milk, and ice. OMG, that sounds good, especially without the ice cream, milk, and ice.
Libra:
Another elaborate and silly drink for you. Hollow out some kind of tropical fruit. Fill it with amaretto, rum, and pineapple juice (that’s it! use the pineapple).
Scorpio:
It’s a boozy week and we need another designated driver. Tag, you’re it! You get to drink a nice wholesome milkshake while watching pals get pissed.
Sagittarius:
The stars like to experiment on you, Sag. Equal parts Bailey’s, Blue Curacao, and Pernod. OMG, what the hell will that even look like?
Capricorn:
The stars double-dare you this week. Firewater cinnamon schnapps + Tequila Rose strawberry cream liqueur = hell knows what. Lucky you.
Aquarius:
Bacardi with random juice for you. How about raspberry and orange? Another fine breakfast.
Pisces:
I just discovered they make root beer schnapps. Exactly why, who knows, but the stars want you to mix it up with Orange Crush, take your swampwater to a movie, and make a public nuisance of yourself. In other words, the usual.
Liquorstore Bear 
Astroliquor is quickly becoming my fav…Sincerely, Sag.
You are too kind! The stars were very lazy this week; they didn’t give me much to work with. Cheers!
I need to sub my rum for vodka. 😉
I DON’T KNOW IF THE STARS WILL LIKE THAT! Personally, I would substitute all the rum with whisky and all the vodka with gin, but I’m just the humble astrologer and basically a drunken idiot. Nice to see you, Red!
For some reason I stopped getting your updates. I will have to see what’s going on with my settings.
Curse you, stars! Now I feel compelled to pull out my Bailey’s Irish (whipped) cream topped Chocolate Guinness stout cream pie recipe and test it a few times before the big day.
Hmmm, that chocolate graham cracker crust seems a bit dry. Maybe a drop or two of Irish whisky with a splash of a rich bordeaux?
That all sounds really excellent, but without the food part!
I love my horoscope this month. Breakfast is my favourite meal, all day long.
That’s great to hear! The stars are sometimes a bit sadistic with their drink recommendations. What was your drink?
LB: perfect Scorpio horoscope. have gone back to Bill W’s house after 5 years away (12 years as a friend prior to that). Milkshakes in my future,Luckily they bring all the boys to my yard.
Wait,.that song LIES!
I can be the designated driver again
Don’t worry, the stars will never make you be the DD two weeks in a row. I’ve missed you, Miss R, what have you been up to? Does Bill W have a computer? I miss your posts.
LB: Google on Bill W.
By the way, I’m not going anywhere and will love to read your critiques and naturally, wit and wisdom 😉