ASTROLIQUOR for April 13-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re into everybody else’s business, Aries, with a strange and manic new angle: temperance. At first you’ll be surprised how much detail you remember about other people’s lives when you’re not blasted out of your noodle. You’ll appreciate the peace that comes from a non-throbbing head. You’ll even go for a jog or some such lunacy. Know that this madness will pass. You will start to miss seeing people through beer goggles.

Taurus, it’s not a week for romance. And yet it seems as though the whole world is rutting. Coworkers are getting it on in a closet somewhere, sending out reeking pheromones. Somehow you feel you should get in on this—yet you know it would be a mistake. Stay the course for one more week. You can have fun all by yourself with some vodka, Kahlua, and creme de menthe.

Your professional life takes a back seat to socializing, Gemini, giving you a sense of being on holiday even while at your desk. Your brain is certainly on vacation, but your boss doesn’t care because he/she knows how smart you can be when you’re not loaded. But what on earth would possess you to combine red wine and Coca-Cola? Never mind—just do it.

A highly emotional week is on tap, Cancer. One second you’re crying, the next you’re laughing. If that doesn’t demote your credibility enough, you could recite some of your secret poems or bestow flowers on someone you’ve been stalking. What’s the fuel for all this emotive spew? Why, Jack Daniel’s and Yukon Jack in equal parts. You can’t have that for breakfast without results.

Leo, early in the week a close friend surprises you with something small. Even if it’s just a flower, it makes your day. So uplifting is the simple gesture that you spread it on to others—that’s you buying the shots! Next thing you know your head is full of tequila and everyone loves everyone else. Not bad.

Virgo, your tendency to tell it like it is means an awkward moment for a Pisces or Gemini in your social circle. This person is not into you now, but if you hang in there things could change. But don’t obsess! People will start noticing and call the police. My wisest suggestion would be to hole up at home with some blueberry schnapps. That way you’ll be occupied drinking and occupied barfing later.

Libra, this is not a good time for thinking. Simply put, you are a total airhead this week. Do nothing financial. Do nothing mechanical. Let the world go on with its business while you make a fantastic punch:

  • 3 cups Everclear
  • 3 cups vodka
  • 3 cups peach schnapps
  • 1.5 cups Malibu
  • 1 gallon Hawaiian Punch

This doesn’t have to be for you only. Go ahead—invite a couple of friends. One of them will give you a hickey.

Take care of yourself, Scorpio. You’ve been working like crazy, pursuing change in your life, but don’t forget about your health. Scorpios have a tendency to let their own intensity magnify until it explodes. Try yoga or, if you think that’s totally lame, a fruity drink. Fruity drinks make people feel relaxed. Think Bacardi white rum and White Curacao and…I don’t know, fruit of some kind.

Sagittarius, you’re zeroing in on some bigtime work success, but you mustn’t force things. Sometimes it’s better not to try. This is as true of flirtations as it is the office. If you try too hard romantically, you might get arrested again. Keep your flask full of apple brandy and Cointreau; it’ll mellow you out.

It’s all about love this week, Capricorn, even if you’re more focused on the romantic aspect than the getting with. Opportunities present from all sides, producing the same sort of paralysis that comes over shoppers in the vodka aisle. So much selection, so little time. So close your eyes and pick one! Do it! That takes care of the vodka side of it. Now choose a person to share it with.

Aquarius, you need to keep up with laundry, showers, and personal hygiene. That smell on you isn’t “musk.” Don’t be fooled into thinking vodka has no odor. It may not, but you marinated in vodka are quite another matter. Vodka is awesome, though. If you stroll through the vodka aisle you may meet a Capricorn who’s into sharing.

Pisces, your stars are increasingly significant now through November. You feel a strong influence to change your life profoundly. You may move, perhaps even out of jail. You may find a new job or even, simply, a job. Whatever you do, follow your passion. Live large and skip the Bud. You deserve some Mozart chocolate liqueur.

11 Liqueurs Your Coffee Mug is Crying Out For

My Fellow Inebriates,

The cat likes it too.

For anybody who isn’t in retail, this is a lazy week. And what’s the best way to start a lazy day? Why, a booze/coffee combo. Even if you’re about to get on the bus for work, a little shot of something in your java can mellow out your morning in the very best way. And it’s a great way to delay any workout resolutions—it’s pretty hard to get through an aerobics class with a headful of crème de menthe. Working out is for next year. There’s precious little time left in 2011 to drink.

So what shall we pour?

We’ve got a zillion choices, so let’s break it down.

Chocolate liqueurs. A natural with coffee, these elixirs include crème de cacao, Godiva white chocolate, and a host of flavored variants that morph coffee from a workaday wake-up tool to an earth-shattering tango in the mouth. Yes, do it! Pour Mozart into your coffee (better still, pour a small amount of coffee into your Mozart) and start your day on a high. Have to work? Take your flask on the bus. Mmmmmmmm.

Fruit liqueurs. From orchard to pineapple grove, these products delight and surprise. But will they work in your coffee? Absolutely! Think Cointreau or Malibu or—for sporting tastebuds—Midori melon or Limoncello. It’s not gross; it’s breakfast, and it will make your day better.

Honey liqueurs. Honey and coffee are another natural pair, so up the ante by adding Drambuie or Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. You’ve nowhere to go, right?

Too strong to drink without alcohol.

Coffee liqueurs. Coffee + Coffee = Yum. Especially if your parents make nuclear coffee the way mine do. When a spoon can stand up in your coffee, there’s no point trying to make something stand out in it. Add some Kahlua, Tia Maria or Starbucks.

Flower liqueurs. I dare you to add one of these weird things to your coffee: Crème de Rose, Lavender Liqueur, or Shan Hibiscus. Why not? You know I would.

Nutty liqueurs. These do the dance with coffee better than most liqueurs, and you may need some to help you recover from your lavender experiment. Frangelico, Amaretto, Peanut Lolita—all of these are go-for-takeoff.

Whiskey liqueurs. Sometimes you just want the taste of booze in your coffee. Wild Turkey, Irish Mist, Glenturret liqueur are all good add-ins when you just want a hit but you feel too socially constrained to drink the stuff straight.

Bust out and wear a dress.

Cream liqueurs. If you normally add cream to your coffee, these are a logical substitute. Booze manufacturers make cream of everything. Some Dulce de Leche? Mmmm. Heather Cream? No doubt. Any of the Irish cream array? You bet your widening ass. Tequila Rose? I probably get to keep that for myself 😉

Berry liqueurs. Weird alone, never mind with coffee, these are a must-serve when your guests have stayed the night after New Year’s and you just want them to get the hell out.

Anise liqueurs. As natural as these are with coffee in many areas of the world, Ouzo java might knock you out with its shocking heaviness and ineradicable aftertaste. Also good for giving sleepover guests the heave-ho.

Herbal liqueurs. You thought Pernod and Crème de Cassis were weird with coffee? Try Jagermeister in your mug. Or Minttu (peppermint). How about Everglo (tequila/vodka/caffeine/ginseng)? Whoa! I love these drinks when I have absolutely no other options.

When in doubt and all else fails, add Southern Comfort. Ahhhhhh.