ASTROLIQUOR for June 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

What kind of astrologer would leave you to plan your Friday night drinking without zodiacal guidance? Worse, what kind of astrologer would start the forecast after the week has already started? What am I, Sylvia Browne?

Aries, your computer is sucking lately and you don’t have the techie smarts to fix it. Maybe you should call an expert, but it’s hard not to think of all the alcohol an hour of geek time will buy. Never mind that your computer pro will discover how much porn you’ve been viewing. You probably should try to fix the glitch yourself…then you can buy Frangelico, Kahlua, and Bailey’s with all that money you save. Of course, if your computer breaks, you’ll start phoning people instead of emailing, and thereby reestablish your human connections. But how will you get your booze horoscope?

Taurus, pull yourself together. This is not the week to hole up with a plastic jug of vodka. Love is waiting for you, but you have to go outside. The stars suggest taking a class such as wine tasting or beer making. You’ll meet people and have the opportunity to get drunk. But first you have to rein in those random emotions, so start cutting that vodka with 7-Up or you’ll remain a chaotic mess. (Wow, the stars are scolding you. I would ignore them and buy TWO plastic jugs of vodka.)

Gemini, you’re having one of those “Why me?” weeks. You feel paranoid and persecuted, inferior and hard-done-by. What you need is a good piss-up with friends. If you don’t have any friends, the stars suggest wallowing in your own bad feelings for the week, supplementing those crazy endocrine chemicals with lashings of Frangelico, amaretto liqueur, butterscotch schnapps, and vanilla vodka. Next week you’ll really feel sorry for yourself.

Cancer, you feel sleep-deprived but you don’t know why. Turns out that passed-out sleep simply isn’t the same as sober sleep. Not that you would know! If you can nudge yourself awake, you’ll notice that someone at work has a crush on you. But be careful—your co-workers have already observed the crush developing, and if you pursue it you’ll have a world of gossip to contend with. But that’s what Absolut is for, right? Keep telling yourself sleep is for wimps, and pound enough vodka to maintain your oblivious state.

Leo, you are stuck in a fantasy world, caught up with music and art, drama and fashion. Evidently there’s a lot of vodka in your bloodstream, and it’s inspiring you with profound new ideas! But be careful—enough vodka and you turn into a real tool. If you have a partner, you can expect a heart-to-heart and/or a big lecture. Does anyone sleep in the bathtub any more? You’re going to find out.

Virgo, the stars are bullish about financial speculation, as long as you take care of important bar needs first. You need the following:

  • Yukon Jack
  • Jim Beam
  • Apple schnapps
  • Vodka
  • White rum
  • Triple sec
  • Jagermeister
  • Bacardi 151

Once you’ve bought all these items you can hit the stock exchange and blow the rest of your money.

Libra, you want to change the world, but perhaps you should change your underwear first. Start with baby steps like these and you stand a chance of meshing into society again. Not all at once, mind you; there’s plenty of room for peppermint schnapps in your life. Gradually, imperceptibly even, you’ll approach levels of normalcy your star chart hasn’t featured in months. BTW, the stars say your bike lock is shite and that you should buy a new one if you want to keep your ride. OMG!

You obsess about the future this week, Scorpio. Not the immediate relevant future (i.e., next week) but the far-distant future when everyone has forgotten how to make a proper Bloody Mary. Will people still wear clothes? How fast will your computer be? Will Venus be totally jammed with thetans? How much vodka will you be able to buy for a million dollars? Try to get out of the house, Scorpio. If you do, you might meet someone. As long as it’s not Tom Cruise.

Sagittarius, the high life continues another week, and you have charisma to spare. Strangers trust you within two seconds, and people are lining up to put you in their address books. You’ll be reaping positive rewards both professionally and personally for months. Not only that—you’ll also win the lottery, so start buying tickets. (Leave some money for tequila and Galliano.)

The stars are obsessed with vodka this week, Capricorn, which means they’re foisting it on everyone, even Capricorns who would normally opt for gin. Be sure to speak your mind when someone forces a vodka martini on you. You might not have the stones for it, though; your DTs are coming on strong, which is producing a lot of insecurity. Make sure you hide your booze in a flask.

Aquarius, this is a great week for finishing projects. Don’t worry about whether you finish things before your colleagues; just ask yourself if they’re able to accomplish as much as you with half a bottle of Kahlua in their Starbucks grandé. Of course not, Aquarius, because you rule. You’ll have an awesome, carefree week, and Friday will be the best day.

Somebody’s got to do it, Pisces, and this week it’s you. Yes, you’re the designated driver, and the stars are mocking you by recommending cantaloupe juice. Ignore the stars! They are ill-mannered douchebag balls of gas. Just go ahead and be the DD. We all need good friends like you to be our sober drivers, and next week it’ll be somebody else’s turn. Being sober is probably a good idea anyway, because you’ll need to support a friend with a medical problem this week. It doesn’t look good, Pisces, but neither do you with your DTs.

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ASTROLIQUOR for April 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, thank goodness the new moon is over. A new moon in your sign can be a total pain in the ass—it often directs you toward self-assessment. Did you look in the mirror this week? Did you like what you saw? Or did you see a douchebag? Did you at least have clean underwear on? Maybe your reflection told you it’s gym time. But if you did like what you saw, start pouring rum, vodka, Blue Curacao, and peach schnapps…and congratulate yourself for your awesomeness.

Taurus, this week features hidden aspects of your being…the subconscious, spirituality, and underwear—make sure you buy at least one new ginch this week. After all, you can’t really tackle big stuff like spirituality and core values when you’re sporting an ineradicable skid mark. Once you’ve centered yourself underwear-wise, consider meditating or hiking. Or just break out the Chambord and peach schnapps and center yourself under the toilet.

Gemini, the new moon has brought about a focus on friendship. Do you have good friends? Are you a good friend? And how do you know? Well. A good friend (at least in my book) would have a really well-stocked bar. A good friend would fill a glass with ice, then add a cherry and some grenadine. On top of that a good friend would pour generous lashings of vodka, peach schnapps, banana liqueur (extra for good measure), then some assorted juices (say orange and pineapple) plus some 7-Up. Of course a good friend would know these last three ingredients are totally optional. 😉

Cancer, of all the signs yours has been affected most seriously by this pain-in-the-ass new moon. In particular it wants you to assess your career. Do you have a five-year-plan? I don’t have a five-minute plan, but you, not being a bear (right?) are probably more responsible. Try to hash out a serious life plan. This should effectively drive you to drink at least 3 oz of Stoli—maybe more.

Leo, someone’s gotta do it, and this week it’s you. Slap that Designated Driver nametag on and help your friends out. Sobriety, while definitely painful, often provides opportunities for introspection. Focus this week on education. Renew any lapsed credentials you’re currently boasting as current on your resumé. Or if you hate learning, take a trip somewhere. But drive your drunken friends around first.

Virgo, you’re in for a dose of boring legal stuff this week, but at least you might inherit some cash. Even if you don’t, you’ll be left with the urge to plan your own will, or at least manage your debt a little better. Cheap booze can help with this. Instead of gravitating toward the pricey flavored vodka, head for the big plastic jugs. Yay! Guilt-free vodka.

Libra, this week is all about relationships. The stars urge you not to be a dickhead. No more freeloading—at least this week. If someone invites you over for supper, accept graciously and arrive with some decent vino. But if no one invites you anywhere, you kind of had it coming. Stay inside and concoct something interesting:

  • 2 oz whisky
  • 2 oz creme de menthe
  • 4 oz black tea

Yup. That’s it.

The new moon is stirring up shit in your sign too, Scorpio. Reinvent yourself, get organized, turn over a new leaf…or at least clean the toilet. Improving your surroundings is step one. Step two is all about creating some kind of “new you.” Thank goodness this stupid new moon is over; this kind of self-improvement can get tiring. You deserve a cookie for enduring it—or better yet, a big tumbler full of Jim Beam. Grape soda is optional.

Sagittarius, you’re the luckiest sign this week. The stars are greenlighting playtime, which means you get to do whatever you want. Learn a new instrument, binge-watch a bunch of movies, plan a fabulous vacation, pick people up at the supermarket…and needless to say, go heavy or go home when it comes to the shots. I’m thinking Tia Maria and banana liqueur layered in a shot glass with some Bacardi 151 on top. YEAH! Everyone wants to be you this week, Sagittarius!!!

Home improvement is highlighted, Capricorn, so make a list of all the crap that’s broken in your house. The stars say this is the only time this whole year that you’ll be able to think like Martha Stewart. If that doesn’t totally freak you out, you’re made of tougher stuff than I. But the home improvements might be some sort of metaphorical stand-in for getting your personal house in order, in which case you can forget Martha and have a good think. Absolut Citron will help.

Aquarius, your communications are always improved by 151-proof rum. Pay special attention to relatives, especially siblings. What do they want from you? Once you discern this, you’ll be able to relax and be yourself. But of course familiarity breeds contempt, so when you get tired of your relatives, go to Walmart and attempt to pick someone up. Or just count thongs.

Pisces, the stars feature money this week…and they mean MONEY. Yes, friend, this is the week to play the lottery. But then again, the stars might just be messing with you. They might be talking about spiritual or psychic wealth instead of monetary winnings. Hmmmm. Hard to know what to do. I would blow all that lottery money on light rum, triple sec, and Malibu. Maybe some juice too, or…you know what? Nah. No juice. Just booze.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 3-9—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re gripped by a sudden ambition to improve your mind, Aries, but you don’t have the time to take classes or study. With family/friends quick to compete for your spare time, self-improvement seems like a luxury. Is it worth it? Write out one of those pro-vs-con lists to get clarity. Maybe you don’t need to add any new activities to improve yourself. Maybe you just need to subtract half a bottle of Skyy from your daily intake.

Taurus, there’s a birthday party in the stars this week—be careful not to forget about it or the celebrant may not forgive you. Do you have an electronic calendar or diary to remind you? Or do you just need to dial back the vanilla vodka and banana liqueur? Those products aren’t so conducive to good recall.

Air things out at home this week, Gemini, and not in a figurative way. Your house smells like someone painted the walls with a bucket of Malibu-Frangelico-Bailey’s vomit. It’s oppressive—how can you think in such a fetid atmosphere? Go out if you need to, regardless of the weather. Get drunk enough that you don’t notice the funk when you get home.

Life feels smooth this week, Cancer. You’re making good professional contacts as well as potential romantic ones, which makes you feel happy and expansive—and in turn leads to delusional spending. Now’s the time to stock that bar with less mainstream items such as blackberry schnapps and white creme de cacao. Quick! Get to the liquor store before your inner accountant wakes up.

Leo, the stars feature friendship this week, so make some playdates for yourself. A Gemini in particular will grab your attention. Your intuition about this person is spot-on. Give it time (maybe even until 2013 if such a year comes to be) and the relationship will deepen. With life so satisfying, your drinking sinks to a dull roar. I see you sipping port or blackberry brandy and not having to throw it up.

Just when the week seems to be swimming along uneventfully, Virgo, you face a bar fight. Oh no! But maybe it’s not all bad…if you get roughed up sufficiently you may be able to sue for damages. This will pay for some home-improvement expenses in September or October—and/or a new supply of vodka and Blue Curacao.

Libra, the alarm clock is starting to feel like an enemy. Late nights, especially when fueled by raspberry Stoli and triple sec, are taking their toll. Did you know that passed-out sleep doesn’t give you the proper rest that sober sleep does? OMG! It’s true. Try drinking earlier in the day so you can sober up by bedtime and get some good Zzzzzs.

You’ve been feeling hampered lately, Scorpio, but this week you finally get to break free. Get outside, take a walk, call a friend. Get rid of useless possessions that weigh you down. Drop some work- or family-related responsibilities…whatever it takes to break the “trapped” cycle. And if those ideas don’t work, get into the vodka.

Sagittarius, you may be the consummate multi-tasker, but not this week. The fewer projects you take on, the better you’ll manage them. Your brain cells have taken an Absolut beating lately. Scratch driving from your list of activities—even on sober mornings you’ll have trouble focusing, never mind texting. If you can survive until Friday, you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re cute.

Do you have an old friend you’ve been forgetting, Capricorn? Make an effort to send a note or a small gift—or just visit with a gin bottle. The stars suggest (ominously) that you don’t have much time to make this gesture…your friend may move away, write you off, or kick the bucket. If you put it off, you may end up consoling yourself at the bar (Saturday’s the best day because someone there will be into you).

Aquarius, you still need to keep the purse strings drawn fairly tight. You may have renewed your mortgage unfavorably, or otherwise committed monthly installments for some expense or other. This doesn’t bode well for the awesome bar you covet. Sadly, this isn’t the week to invest in exotica such as kiwi liqueur to fill out your collection. The stars recommend cheap swill, at least until next month.

Pisces, this is a week for reinvention, which will make you insufferable for friends and family. You reassess your hobbies, your travel ambitions, and your liquor cabinet. Not content to down a beer with old friends, you find yourself at unfamiliar bars, ordering rounds of Jagermeister and dancing while people fling coins at you. Are you being a douche? Only your bartender knows for sure.