ASTROLIQUOR for January 4-10 (2013!)—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone—probably a Cancer—will move away without telling you. You’ll clue in after they’ve gone, then spend a week halfheartedly stalking them on the Internet. Thing is, your life is better with this person out of it. Work’s more productive, and even when it’s not, your Alt/Tab reflexes are at their best. Forget about that Cancer! Here’s how: Find four kinds of schnapps and mix them in equal parts, then match what you’ve got with tequila. Oblivion!

Taurus, your memory dropouts will come back to haunt you this week when an old friend reappears—and you can’t remember who the hell the person is. Do your best to recall; this is an interesting friend who can help you professionally. I see you two staying up all night drinking Red Bull with raspberry vodka—all before you have a clue what this person’s name is. Good times.

You have a nutty way of looking at the world, Gemini, and much of the time people don’t “get” you. This week, however, the stars forecast understanding and communication, so do whatever you want; no one will judge you. On Saturday you’ll party with an elderly person. Make sure you telephone later; this person doesn’t have Internet (OMG!). Here’s your party mix:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz milk

Cancer, don’t grumble about your misfortunes. Load up on peach schnapps and confront the person causing them. Guaranteed it’s a Capricorn or a Virgo. If you think this will end badly, you may be surprised. This person has wisdom you don’t even know about. Saturday’s the best day to pick up another Cancer. Try the Walmart section where they sell mesh underwear bags.

Leo, there’s a Pisces you’d love to get naked with, but only if they’ll promise not to talk. Not a good start, but if your junk has its way you’ll end up pursuing this not-very-satisfying relationship. Distract yourself with professional activities. This should remove you from temptation, unless of course you’re in the world’s oldest profession. Your drink?

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 1 oz creme de noyaux
  • 1 oz cherry brandy
  • Cream to taste (I say none)

Virgo, you get the urge to take on extra work, but be careful. Your douchebag colleagues are only too glad to offload their projects. Only do what really interests you. Fact is, you don’t really have to work at all. On Monday you’ll probably win the lottery, and then you can tell everybody to shove it. That’s the day you arrive in a Ferrari and a Starbucks laced with 80-proof rum. You deserve it, you hard worker.

Libra, you’ll replace some of your boring friends with new people this week. As a Libra you won’t feel fickle for doing this; the stars ordain that you should jettison old friends for fascinating new ones. The result will be scintillating conversations and financial opportunities, mondo creativity, and the worst freaking hangover you ever endured. That’s what happens when fascinating new people fill your bathtub with blackberry schnapps and creme de cacao.

Are you feeling gloomy, Scorpio? The stars call for happy orange drinks with lashings of Grand Marnier and orange Curacao. Get sufficiently lit up on this sunny combo and take a beachside walk. You’ll meet a nudist enjoying the bracing January day, and the two of you will enjoy a unique romance throughout January and February.

Sagittarius, you don’t like asking for help, although you often take advantage of family members. This week you’ll need to muster the courage to seek help from a colleague—a nasty bugger who’s always nitpicking your work and busting you for being on Facebook. Loosen this dickhead up with a flask of vodka and Jagermeister—or better yet, save it for yourself.

You’ve grown emotionally, Capricorn, and this ramps up your social appeal. Which will you choose to get naked with—Virgo or Scorpio? And if that’s not the sign of your existing partner, get ready for some turbulence, ’cause the stars say you’re doing this thing. No doubt gin martinis will play a role, but don’t have too many. You need to get up early to visit garage sales. There’s a priceless antique waiting for you to find it.

Aquarius, you feel happy and clever, having solved a challenging intellectual problem. What a brainiac! In fact, you might have too many brain cells. Give them some rum. Once you dumb yourself down you’ll have a vapid flirtation with a neighbor following a ridiculous conversation about lawn fertilizer. Your brain cells will be terribly conflicted, but your naughty bits will like it.

Pisces, there are all sorts of hidden meanings in your mail. Read it carefully! Add up the vowels and consonants; see if there’s a code. You know this isn’t paranoid; there are people out there (mostly Cancers) dedicated to messing with your head. Don’t worry, though, most of them are harmless. The other ones you can invite over for an Everclear party. They need Everclear because it can stop their synapses from making wacky connections between random bits of information. Remember to go outside at least once this week.

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ASTROLIQUOR for July 27 to August 2—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Planet Mars is making you berserk with rage this week, Aries. Friends and family will run for cover, and—needless to say—you must stay out of bars or find yourself in (another) bar fight. Not only that, but there’s a Cancer pub-crawling for an Aries like you, and once this person snags you, he/she won’t let go. OMG! You need to drink something calming…and solitary. How about vodka with cherry brandy and orange juice?

Taurus, technical things will make you feel like a nitwit this week. Usually you’re pretty intuitive about computers, stereo gear, and the blender—but a brainful of rum makes them all a challenge. In fact, even going to the bathroom is a challenge. This won’t do, Taurus. It’s one thing to tie one on; it’s quite another to drink yourself into incontinence. Try to socialize a bit instead, especially on Tuesday and Thursday.

You become sappy and nostalgic for pastimes you once enjoyed, Gemini, such as board games and charades. This was before you had a computer: pre-Farmville and pre-Sims. Time to break out the Pisco for an old-fashioned drinking game. Invite some friends over and defrag your computer while you play Asshole. The stars say Sunday’s the best day, especially if nudity is involved.

You have a stalker of the pleasant kind, Cancer—someone you never thought would notice you. Get with it and invite him/her over. Make sure you have a classy drink to share:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 6 Coors Light cans
  • 2 cans pink lemonade concentrate

Leo, work is boring the hell out of you and progress feels minimal. (Make sure your boss doesn’t get the same impression.) The week’s frustrations are compounded by a car problem—a small issue you ignored, which then got out of control. Sounds like an excellent opportunity to ride the bus to work. Bus rides can be like safaris, depending on your ‘hood, and a flask of Hypnotiq will make the commute even more exotic.

The stars are financially-minded this week, Virgo. Analyze your situation: you may be living above or below your means. If you add it all up you may be delighted to find you have extra money for household items…perhaps a new bed or couch, plus a crapload of Bacardi 151 and peach schnapps. (Or maybe just the booze.)

Libra, you’re feeling tied down by work, relationships, and debt. What happened to the freedom you used to enjoy? Let’s face it, it’s gone, but you can still go on a wicked bender and temporarily forget your shackles. Equal parts tequila and peppermint schnapps should produce the necessary mood adjustment.

Sunshine and sand beckon, Scorpio. No doubt you deserve it, no matter what your peeps say. But can you afford a sunny vacation? Probably not, so put it on your credit card. While you’re at it, charge a 46er of Smirnoff and some DeKuiper Razzmatazz too. These products are essential for mental health, and they help remove spending inhibitions, which should make your holiday awesome.

Sagittarius, there’s nothing more soul-destroying than doing what’s expected of you. Is there a passion you’re resisted pursuing because it would conflict with your career? Now’s the time to go for it! And if your passion is simply…drinking, well then, here’s your recipe:

  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz gin
  • 1 oz Everclear
  • 1 oz rum
  • 1 oz apple schnapps
  • 1 oz whiskey
  • 1 oz tequila
  • 1 oz rye

All this goodness goes into a Big Gulp. The recipe for a passionate life.

You’ve been called unflappable in the past, Capricorn, but the truth is you’re not handling stress very well lately. Even when your brain feels okay, your body tells a different story. Are you crashing on the weekend? Getting sick on your holidays? Having bourbon for breakfast? If you are having bourbon for breakfast, send me your address. I’ll come over and join you.

Aquarius, the stars want you to weigh your expenditures against your expenses. (I know, the stars suck sometimes.) Good timing—you can expect a small windfall very soon. This in turn will inspire you to invest in your future earnings, creating a prosperous spiral. And this in turn will attract new relationships (go figure). Keep some vodka handy for fairweather friends—they can be boring when you’re not drunk.

Pisces, gear down this week. Work slowly, without excessive effort. Take a nature walk. Don’t worry about productivity; your job can’t be that important. In fact, it’s often nice to get fired during the summer so you can enjoy the beach. Try sipping tequila, Jack Daniel’s, and Jagermeister openly at work—it’s a time-honored strategy for getting yourself a permanent holiday.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 20-26—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Start making vacation plans, Aries. Your calendar isn’t as thick with commitments as you’ve been telling people, and quitting your surroundings for a while will help various people cool off about those sordid incidents that inexplicably achieved lift-off via Hennessey cognac. If you can’t afford to get away for a week, try panhandling, but pick an unfamiliar part of town and keep a low profile!

Taurus, the stars say you’ll be surrounded by water very soon. Whether this is ominous (tsunami, hurricane, wet T-shirt exploits) or not (pleasant seaside vacation) depends on your level of paranoia, which in turn depends on how much gin you consume. Ease off if you need to, or mix it up with some peach schnapps. Whatever new cocktail you come up with, Sunday’s the best day for sharing.

It’s around somewhere, Gemini—at least that’s what you keep telling yourself. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself with some yummy Godet white chocolate liqueur. Whatever the item is, you can find it if you take a systematic approach. After all, it couldn’t have walked away, right? It must be somewhere. But then again, you might have wrecked it or hucked it out the window during a drunken bender.

At first the week will seem ho-hum, Cancer, but a small purchase will get your world vibrating. You might need to fix it or buy some parts, but once you get past your irritation and realize what this product can do, you’ll never look back. It might keep you inside all day. You might never get dressed. You might dismiss friends and lovers so you can play with your new toy. But perhaps you should reconsider…after all, they might bring some rum to put in your new blender.

Leo, you don’t always listen to what others say, but this week you should pay attention. Let their words sink in—a constant headful of gin, vermouth, and crème de menthe makes it hard to absorb information. Of course, your friends might be dead boring. But if they’re not, you might want to do some memory exercises. Do them drunk to establish an unintimidating baseline for yourself.

Rampant emotion is your Achilles heel this week, Virgo, so stop listening to Journey and any other hair-band ballads in your awesome mix. Get some rest; all-nighters make you vulnerable to sentimentality. If you go on pushing yourself, as soon as you get a day off work, you’ll crash. If you don’t think you can go to bed at a decent hour, fill up with vodka and blue curacao. That’ll get you there.

Libra, get ready for a compelling monetary offer. You’re due for a minor windfall, even if it’s just the bank granting you more credit. Sounds like cause for celebration! Get out the Golden Grain 95-proof, toss in a few drops of lemonade, and run around in a thong. Everything’s awesome, and it’s only getting better. Who knows—you might also receive that pardon you applied for.

Someone gives you an unexpected and lavish compliment, Scorpio, thereby getting into your good graces. But can you trust this person? There’s only one way to find out: ply your friend with that peachy truth serum we call Southern Comfort. If your friend is an Aries, everything’s probably cool. Go outside and reel around together; it’ll do you good.

Sagittarius, paranoia and tension are making you your own worst enemy. Identify the things you can’t change versus the things you can. For instance, your local booze shop might not have a gin brand you like, and if it’s a government store, the process of approving and stocking that item is so laboriously bureaucratic that you could make yourself miserable fixating on it. Accept what you can’t control, and go with the flow.

You want more money, Capricorn, and the stars are telling you to go get it. The lottery hasn’t been working out, nor have any of your recent dates left money on the dresser. You might have to exert yourself. Then again, maybe it would be more Zen not to exert yourself, and let the largesse come to you. Hmmm. The stars say not. I see you lurching around with Bacardi 151 in one hand and Wild Turkey in the other, wondering if you can sell your couch.

Aquarius, you’re talented at keeping your true self to yourself, but when you get close to someone, your secrets slip out. This week it could be a Capricorn, a Libra, or a fellow Aquarius who liquors you up with vodka, rum, and amaretto—and learns something weird about you. No malice, though—this friend’s a keeper. Along with secrets you’ll be sharing a blaring hangover.

Pisces, your brain hurts. Between memory dropouts and everyday hangovers, your nerves are shot. If this keeps up, you won’t be able to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few seconds. Perhaps you should ease off on the rye. But if that’s unappealing, try mixing it with antioxidant-laden blueberry schnapps plus Red Bull. Your liver won’t like it but your brain will thank you.