ASTROLIQUOR for April 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, thank goodness the new moon is over. A new moon in your sign can be a total pain in the ass—it often directs you toward self-assessment. Did you look in the mirror this week? Did you like what you saw? Or did you see a douchebag? Did you at least have clean underwear on? Maybe your reflection told you it’s gym time. But if you did like what you saw, start pouring rum, vodka, Blue Curacao, and peach schnapps…and congratulate yourself for your awesomeness.

Taurus, this week features hidden aspects of your being…the subconscious, spirituality, and underwear—make sure you buy at least one new ginch this week. After all, you can’t really tackle big stuff like spirituality and core values when you’re sporting an ineradicable skid mark. Once you’ve centered yourself underwear-wise, consider meditating or hiking. Or just break out the Chambord and peach schnapps and center yourself under the toilet.

Gemini, the new moon has brought about a focus on friendship. Do you have good friends? Are you a good friend? And how do you know? Well. A good friend (at least in my book) would have a really well-stocked bar. A good friend would fill a glass with ice, then add a cherry and some grenadine. On top of that a good friend would pour generous lashings of vodka, peach schnapps, banana liqueur (extra for good measure), then some assorted juices (say orange and pineapple) plus some 7-Up. Of course a good friend would know these last three ingredients are totally optional. 😉

Cancer, of all the signs yours has been affected most seriously by this pain-in-the-ass new moon. In particular it wants you to assess your career. Do you have a five-year-plan? I don’t have a five-minute plan, but you, not being a bear (right?) are probably more responsible. Try to hash out a serious life plan. This should effectively drive you to drink at least 3 oz of Stoli—maybe more.

Leo, someone’s gotta do it, and this week it’s you. Slap that Designated Driver nametag on and help your friends out. Sobriety, while definitely painful, often provides opportunities for introspection. Focus this week on education. Renew any lapsed credentials you’re currently boasting as current on your resumé. Or if you hate learning, take a trip somewhere. But drive your drunken friends around first.

Virgo, you’re in for a dose of boring legal stuff this week, but at least you might inherit some cash. Even if you don’t, you’ll be left with the urge to plan your own will, or at least manage your debt a little better. Cheap booze can help with this. Instead of gravitating toward the pricey flavored vodka, head for the big plastic jugs. Yay! Guilt-free vodka.

Libra, this week is all about relationships. The stars urge you not to be a dickhead. No more freeloading—at least this week. If someone invites you over for supper, accept graciously and arrive with some decent vino. But if no one invites you anywhere, you kind of had it coming. Stay inside and concoct something interesting:

  • 2 oz whisky
  • 2 oz creme de menthe
  • 4 oz black tea

Yup. That’s it.

The new moon is stirring up shit in your sign too, Scorpio. Reinvent yourself, get organized, turn over a new leaf…or at least clean the toilet. Improving your surroundings is step one. Step two is all about creating some kind of “new you.” Thank goodness this stupid new moon is over; this kind of self-improvement can get tiring. You deserve a cookie for enduring it—or better yet, a big tumbler full of Jim Beam. Grape soda is optional.

Sagittarius, you’re the luckiest sign this week. The stars are greenlighting playtime, which means you get to do whatever you want. Learn a new instrument, binge-watch a bunch of movies, plan a fabulous vacation, pick people up at the supermarket…and needless to say, go heavy or go home when it comes to the shots. I’m thinking Tia Maria and banana liqueur layered in a shot glass with some Bacardi 151 on top. YEAH! Everyone wants to be you this week, Sagittarius!!!

Home improvement is highlighted, Capricorn, so make a list of all the crap that’s broken in your house. The stars say this is the only time this whole year that you’ll be able to think like Martha Stewart. If that doesn’t totally freak you out, you’re made of tougher stuff than I. But the home improvements might be some sort of metaphorical stand-in for getting your personal house in order, in which case you can forget Martha and have a good think. Absolut Citron will help.

Aquarius, your communications are always improved by 151-proof rum. Pay special attention to relatives, especially siblings. What do they want from you? Once you discern this, you’ll be able to relax and be yourself. But of course familiarity breeds contempt, so when you get tired of your relatives, go to Walmart and attempt to pick someone up. Or just count thongs.

Pisces, the stars feature money this week…and they mean MONEY. Yes, friend, this is the week to play the lottery. But then again, the stars might just be messing with you. They might be talking about spiritual or psychic wealth instead of monetary winnings. Hmmmm. Hard to know what to do. I would blow all that lottery money on light rum, triple sec, and Malibu. Maybe some juice too, or…you know what? Nah. No juice. Just booze.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your decision to deliver a giant gift basket of Bailey’s and cherry vodka to a gravely ill friend may not be in good taste. Then again, it might net your friend a steady stream of visitors and help with everyone’s bedside manner. Hospitals don’t have to be creepy. And if you sampled from the basket before you arrived, the creepiest thing in the hospital might be you.

Taurus, the stars have chosen you to be Designated Driver this week. This will alter your social pattern considerably. At first it won’t be easy staying sober. It’ll seem weird being alert. Then you’ll look in your wallet and be like, OMG, look at all that money. I was going to spend that on creme de cacao.

Get serious about finances, Gemini, and track this week’s expenses. The stars favor math for you, which means your spreadsheets will add up (at least before Bloody Mary hour). Consider cutting expenditures by 10 percent…ride your bike; put on a sweater instead of the thermostat; go commando so you don’t have to buy underwear. Speaking of this last bit, Friday looks flirty for you.

Cancer, your stars are talking diet and exercise, food logs, and gym memberships. OMG, they’ve got to be joking, with Canadian Thanksgiving coming up. INSTEAD: Pour four parts bourbon, two parts rum, and one part whipping cream over ice. Ahhh! Keep this to yourself (and your money too; lending is star-crossed this week…although if you lend liquor you will get it back—on your carpet).

Leo, let’s get physical this week. Don’t join a gym, though; if it’s like S_e__ N__h F_____s W_r_d all the machines are covered with old gum and the bathroom door has a four-inch hole in it. Try walking instead of driving. You’ll save a ton of gas money, which you can spend on vodka. No lending money while drunk! You’ll never get your cash back.

Vodka, Pernod, Malibu, Tia Maria, and pineapple juice. If you call this “breakfast,” Virgo, it’s no wonder you’re having trouble remembering where you put a particular item. It’s one of those small, useful items that you need occasionally and don’t want to have to buy again—especially since it’ll turn up as soon as you do, and then you’ll have two (or more if these breakfasts are typical). Search everywhere!

Libra, you’ll suffer some minor Long Island Iced Tea–related bruising this week during a sensational party, from which you’ll stagger home and immediately drop a small appliance on your toe. It will break (the appliance, not your toe) because you’ll have read this horoscope and put on steel-toed boots. In some cultures, dropping things is good luck. In your culture, it means you’re pissed.

In happy contrast to last week, Scorpio, strangers feel like friends and friends feel like family. You’ll make valuable contacts, clear up some debt, and enjoy a flirtation. It doesn’t get much better—unless you add equal parts Drambuie, Napoleon, and Parfait Amour to a really killer Scotch over crushed ice with juice to taste (I’m having “none”).

Sagittarius, your thoughts are spacey and futuristic this week. In a hundred years, how many people will populate the earth? Will your descendants colonize Mars? Will doctors be able to grow a new liver for you? On Saturday a friend joins you, and together you invent something that will change the world. OMG, what’s fueling this creativity? Could it be Malibu?

This is a good week to finish projects, Capricorn. Don’t be anxious; there’s no need to compete with colleagues. You can’t, really, with a brainful of Southern Comfort and vermouth; and they like having you that way in the office because it makes them look good. That’s why they don’t rat you out. After a lovely work week you’ll receive good news about a sick friend. (Do I hear a champagne cork?)

Aquarius, not everyone appreciates your directness. You mustn’t transfer your vodka- and rum-infused insecurities onto colleagues, nor should you use words like “asstard” at board meetings. Not only will you hurt people’s feelings; you’ll incite revenge! If you must tank up on Long Islands at work, try to remain very, very quiet.

Pisces, you’re bucking for an unpaid holiday, but it’s not working. No matter how much incompetence you demonstrate at work, you keep getting pats on the back. This would have been awesome a month ago, but now you’re eligible for unemployment, so ratchet up the misbehavior. Is there an annoying coworker you could pick a fight with? If you need fuel, try dumping a case of Bud Light into a vat of pink lemonade. Add 13 gin shots and put your concoction in the lunch room. Voilà! Cardboard-box time for you.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 4-10—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, deep down you really want to fall in love. Luckily for you the stars are lining up to grant your wish. Sometime between now and June you’ll fall head over heels in a sickening, poetry-writing, gooey romance. Of course ouzo and vodka will be involved, but it’s still the real deal! So get ready to tell your spouse about it and lawyer up.

Taurus, although you’re good at putting friends and family to work, you have trouble accepting help from strangers. This week you have to go outside your comfort zone, however, and recruit a colleague for an important task. Although this person has historically been a dick to you, he/she can be loosened up with some Red Bull and rum. Don’t think of it as taking advantage—you’re building karma for your coworker, so pass the flask.

Those psychiatric sessions are paying off, Gemini, balancing your emotions and turning you into something of a charmer. On your habitual drunken early-bird visit to a garage sale you discover that both an Aries and an Aquarius are taken with you. What a lovely dilemma! Make sure you follow your heart—when your head is full of cognac and vodka it’s too easy to pick randomly.

You’re in good spirits this week, Cancer, having solved a few nagging mental problems and discovered unknown inner strengths. You’re learning not to compare yourself to others, and to appreciate Canadian Club even when your neighbor is reeling around his yard with Crown Royal. You’ll have a nice flirtation with someone this week, but I’d leave that neighbor alone.

Leo, look carefully at your text messages and emails this week. Every communique, no matter how terse, contains subtext. Understandably subtext gets lost when you’ve spent the day sipping from a jug of Bailey’s, Goldschlager, and creme de menthe, but try to pay attention. In particular a colleague may be seeking your approval. It’s just good politics to play along.

You have a thing for an Aries, Virgo, even though you don’t actually like this person. This bad situation gains unfortunate traction from an ever-present travel mug of amaretto-and-Bailey’s coffee that you replenish furtively from a makeshift bar under your cubicle desk. Perhaps you should get some air before you decide to visit the supply closet with your Aries friend. No car keys for you!

Libra, you’re contemplating a self-improvement program featuring long walks. Not only will this make your body fit; your brain will benefit as well. Pickled as you’ve been all winter, you should gain some clarity pretty fast! It’s a new dawn for you, being sober throughout the day, but don’t forget to reward yourself later with some Irish cream and butterscotch schnapps.

Fear and hope take turns swooping in on you this week, Scorpio. You don’t have the funds to bail you out if your current business plan goes pear-shaped, but what the hell—you’re used to living this way. Not too many people have the stomach to hang with you, and that’s not a bad thing. Gambling looks dangerous this week, so stay inside and mix something up:

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Tia Maria
  • 2 oz grapefruit juice

Sagittarius, the world looks very pretty this week. Your positive energy is at a peak, so how about a joyful blender drink?

  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz raspberry liqueur
  • 3 oz Frangelico
  • 3 oz cream
  • 1.5 cups vanilla ice cream
  • 4 oz raspberry jam

Puree that business up and let it cool your brain. You may need a walk afterwards, but the world will still be pretty—just spinning too.

Impetuous you’re not, Capricorn—at least not usually, but there are some weird stars in your chart causing you to be extra-gregarious and generally unprofessional. For instance, any cube farm worker knows vodka makes the best odor-free flask drink. So why is yours full of brandy and creme de menthe? Nobody’s gonna believe you just brushed your teeth. Watch out or you’ll need a box for all your stuff!

Aquarius, you normally enjoy risk and danger but sadly you’re having trouble finding it. Superfluous energy torments you, causing you to hit on drunken Geminis at early-morning garage sales and generally bother people of all star signs. Meanwhile, a Sagittarius is bothering you, out-talking you even and making you uncomfortable. Chill out and avoid a fight. Cherry brandy for you.

Pisces, people think you’re pretty down-to-earth. But this week you go nuts and freak out at your family. It might be an intervention or some such gathering where emotions tend to run high. Then again, it might be a wedding or a funeral. Whatever the event is, expect to be escorted away from it quite forcefully, perhaps while vomiting vodka.