brandy

ASTROLIQUOR for October 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, maybe the weather’s affecting you, because you’re trading in bar fights for cozy nights at home with a stable partner. Old bar buddies wonder where the hell you are and snipe at you verbally, but for now you’re ignoring their urgings toward the pub. Truth is, you don’t even notice them; you and your “stable partner” have mixed up a vat of Everclear, bourbon, rum, and tequila. You can’t carouse because you can’t move. What a great way to avoid bar fights!

Taurus, last week’s sobriety has left you unsteady and insecure. Lucid brain cells make for too much self-analysis, and for you it’s a full-on identity crisis. Unrest in your love live complicates these turbulent thoughts. OMG, how can we fix this? Got a frozen juice can? Don’t even thaw it; scoop it into a punch bowl, add two cans of rum or vodka, then a bottle of sparkling wine. No more turbulent thoughts for you! No thoughts, even.

Gemini, you’ll make a good impression on a Libra or an Aquarius—someone who loves fashion and accessories. If this sounds worthwhile, give your wardrobe a once-over before the stars start bombarding you with nosy Libras and Aquarians. If you don’t care, stay in your dirty old sweats and spill as much cranberry vodka on them as you like. Let them wonder what the stains are.

Cancer, you find people annoying this week and think everyone’s criticizing you, even when they’re slathering you up with compliments. Friends are in for a rough time. But it’s not you; it’s the stars making you an asshole. Avoid people and seek enlightenment. Everyone knows Jolly Ranchers are the path to the Third Eye. Here’s your recipe:

  • 4 oz cheap vodka
  • 10 oz cheap rum
  • cranberry juice

This tastes exactly like a Jolly Rancher and will keep you from talking to people. Win win!

Leo, you’re dwelling on something that happened in the past, harboring blame toward the people involved. Memory is troublesome this way—how can you move forward when you keep replaying the incident? Pesky brain cells… The second you start fixating, pour yourself a whiskey. Again! Again! What’s your name? How many paws am I holding up? Who are you mad at? Nobody, right?

Virgo, a female acquaintance will enlighten you this week with a small detail about yourself. This new knowledge will disorient you and make you anxious. You’ll need a lot of gin to keep from fretting. Perhaps you should avoid that friend for the time being, in case she has any more informative nuggets. Then again, if she told you your pants were inside out and sported a skid mark, well…you need friends like that.

Libra, you have a relaxing week ahead: friends, entertainment, and joy all come easily, as does effective work. You have flow, and this makes you feel exciting and successful. When you’re in the zone, you attract others. This is an excellent time to have a party. Whatever you do, don’t have a bender alone; socializing is rarely so favored by the stars. Indeed, the stars think you should share your gin.

Communication continues to be positive this week, Scorpio. You have a clear head for articulating your thoughts. Enjoy it, because the stars are threatening you with diplomacy challenges, specifically in your workplace. Better start planning your flask contents! I’m thinking green-apple vodka with apple juice. Who’s gonna tell you that’s not breakfast?

Sagittarius, your chart is tied strongly to Scorpio’s this week. Someone at work has a flask of green-apple vodka and isn’t sharing. So you smile, hoping to get some. The Scorpio takes this as a come-on. Now you have an awkward situation and you still haven’t got any vodka. Better mix your own awesome flask.

Your charisma is extra-shiny this week, Capricorn. Entertaining and humorous, you have friends and acquaintances rapt, making them ripe for manipulation. Don’t do it! Especially that Scorpio with the green-apple vodka—if you even smile, they’re going to think you’re into them. Stay away from Scorpios, vodka, and apples this week. The only friend you need is Jose Cuervo.

Aquarius, you’ll shine this week, but you may become exhausted as everyone looks to you for wisdom and assistance. That’s the problem with sobriety; it improves your coordination, balance, clarity, and intelligence—then all your drunk friends ask you to operate their power tools and write their theses. Take yourself out of the equation:

  • 3 oz vodka
  • 1 oz brandy
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

There. You should be useless now. If not, have another.

Pisces, the stars are calling for sexy time with a Virgo. You don’t normally think of yourself as a sex object (even when you were in jail those sexy times didn’t seem so sexy). But this Virgo is very precious to you, so try to toss those inhibitions. You’ll get a confidence boost, which will translate indirectly into greater career success. You’ll stop putting Jack Daniel’s in your morning oatmeal, and hello productivity.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 3-9—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re gripped by a sudden ambition to improve your mind, Aries, but you don’t have the time to take classes or study. With family/friends quick to compete for your spare time, self-improvement seems like a luxury. Is it worth it? Write out one of those pro-vs-con lists to get clarity. Maybe you don’t need to add any new activities to improve yourself. Maybe you just need to subtract half a bottle of Skyy from your daily intake.

Taurus, there’s a birthday party in the stars this week—be careful not to forget about it or the celebrant may not forgive you. Do you have an electronic calendar or diary to remind you? Or do you just need to dial back the vanilla vodka and banana liqueur? Those products aren’t so conducive to good recall.

Air things out at home this week, Gemini, and not in a figurative way. Your house smells like someone painted the walls with a bucket of Malibu-Frangelico-Bailey’s vomit. It’s oppressive—how can you think in such a fetid atmosphere? Go out if you need to, regardless of the weather. Get drunk enough that you don’t notice the funk when you get home.

Life feels smooth this week, Cancer. You’re making good professional contacts as well as potential romantic ones, which makes you feel happy and expansive—and in turn leads to delusional spending. Now’s the time to stock that bar with less mainstream items such as blackberry schnapps and white creme de cacao. Quick! Get to the liquor store before your inner accountant wakes up.

Leo, the stars feature friendship this week, so make some playdates for yourself. A Gemini in particular will grab your attention. Your intuition about this person is spot-on. Give it time (maybe even until 2013 if such a year comes to be) and the relationship will deepen. With life so satisfying, your drinking sinks to a dull roar. I see you sipping port or blackberry brandy and not having to throw it up.

Just when the week seems to be swimming along uneventfully, Virgo, you face a bar fight. Oh no! But maybe it’s not all bad…if you get roughed up sufficiently you may be able to sue for damages. This will pay for some home-improvement expenses in September or October—and/or a new supply of vodka and Blue Curacao.

Libra, the alarm clock is starting to feel like an enemy. Late nights, especially when fueled by raspberry Stoli and triple sec, are taking their toll. Did you know that passed-out sleep doesn’t give you the proper rest that sober sleep does? OMG! It’s true. Try drinking earlier in the day so you can sober up by bedtime and get some good Zzzzzs.

You’ve been feeling hampered lately, Scorpio, but this week you finally get to break free. Get outside, take a walk, call a friend. Get rid of useless possessions that weigh you down. Drop some work- or family-related responsibilities…whatever it takes to break the “trapped” cycle. And if those ideas don’t work, get into the vodka.

Sagittarius, you may be the consummate multi-tasker, but not this week. The fewer projects you take on, the better you’ll manage them. Your brain cells have taken an Absolut beating lately. Scratch driving from your list of activities—even on sober mornings you’ll have trouble focusing, never mind texting. If you can survive until Friday, you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re cute.

Do you have an old friend you’ve been forgetting, Capricorn? Make an effort to send a note or a small gift—or just visit with a gin bottle. The stars suggest (ominously) that you don’t have much time to make this gesture…your friend may move away, write you off, or kick the bucket. If you put it off, you may end up consoling yourself at the bar (Saturday’s the best day because someone there will be into you).

Aquarius, you still need to keep the purse strings drawn fairly tight. You may have renewed your mortgage unfavorably, or otherwise committed monthly installments for some expense or other. This doesn’t bode well for the awesome bar you covet. Sadly, this isn’t the week to invest in exotica such as kiwi liqueur to fill out your collection. The stars recommend cheap swill, at least until next month.

Pisces, this is a week for reinvention, which will make you insufferable for friends and family. You reassess your hobbies, your travel ambitions, and your liquor cabinet. Not content to down a beer with old friends, you find yourself at unfamiliar bars, ordering rounds of Jagermeister and dancing while people fling coins at you. Are you being a douche? Only your bartender knows for sure.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 29 to July 5—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

With this weekend comes an urge to cook for friends, Aries. Do your prep sober so you avoid poisoning them (again). Once the table’s spread, anything goes, and you have the choice of a Leo or a Capricorn, both amorously beer-goggled. Make sure their “go” signals are really “go” signals. If you must use questionable judgment, mix two shots banana liqueur and one shot vodka into a glass of Chardonnay. Repeat until you negate the danger of being an annoyance. Sleep it off where no one will trip over you.

Taurus, thanks to memory dropouts you forgot that your April spending would catch up to you by late June. Now you face Canada and/or Independence Day with an empty bar. OMG, what can you sell? Hurry, you must have some heirlooms or a stamp collection. Get them up on Craig’s List so you can buy some Jagermeister, rum, and bourbon. Then do what any patriot would do: shake ’em up together and pour into an ice-filled cocktail glass.

You’ve blown all your renovation money on Southern Comfort, Gemini, but you can still buy a couple of small items to brighten your space. Even a can of touch-up paint would help dress up those drunken dents in the wall. Never mind how difficult it is to get Blue Curacao out of the rug! Be cheerful about the little fix-it purchases. When you’re done you can invite friends for another house-wrecker.

If you take somebody out for lunch, Cancer, it might turn into a liquid lunch. Self-discipline is curiously elusive—these days you’re waking up to a sherry/pernod/vermouth mouthwash, and food just absorbs it, allowing you to drink more. Still, a social meal might rekindle an important friendship, especially on Saturday. Keep an eye on this person; pernod goggles are even more powerful than beer goggles. My girlfriend Dolly says she needs a lot of pernod to “keep me in focus.”

Leo, you’re watching a lot of porn without considering real-life relationships. Try not to conflate the two—no one’s really going to deliver you a pizza in a thong. (Well, you might be wearing a thong.) Dating possibilities include a Gemini, a Sagittarius, and a fellow Leo, none of whom will approach you wearing a thong. Try getting to know them. Don’t just liquor them up with banana and peach schnapps. Give the schnapps to any bears you encounter, especially if they’re wearing thongs.

This is the best week in ages for friendship, Virgo, offering the chance to mend old misunderstandings and get back an old drinking buddy. Ask yourself what the conflict was originally about. Can you even remember? Chances are it was insignificant, although it may have involved nudity. Fact is, you don’t remember. You were hammered at the time on vodka, Kahlua, and Guinness—pounded from a 2L Coke bottle.

Libra, concentration comes with great difficulty this week. Your many personal troubles include a brewing identity crisis that may prompt a domino-like tumble of your values. If you’re a carnivore, you may renounce meat. If you’re a vegetarian, you may get naked and start chowing down on another homeless person’s face. Try getting out more often, and if you do get a meat craving, here’s your drink:

  • 5 oz vodka
  • 6 oz beef bouillon
  • 2 tsp lemon juice
  • Tabasco to taste
  • Worcestershire to taste
  • Celery salt to taste

The stars are happy for you this week, Scorpio. The revolving door keeps delivering funny, entertaining visitors bearing drinks, music, and tasty gossip. Day and night they will regale you, but mind an enigmatic-looking Pisces, possibly wearing black. This person is deep. You’ll have conversations you remember forever—unless you get out of hand with the brandy and creme de cacao.

Sagittarius, you’re still under pressure this week, negotiating heavily at work and in your private financial world. You’re unusually assertive and decisive; security personnel leave you alone at airports, and for a change no one tries to put you in handcuffs. Could it be liquid confidence? Who knows what your blood alcohol level is, but if you’re ever going to attempt 10 amaretto shooters, this is the week.

Until mid-August you can expect a charmed life, Capricorn. Friends flock to you, instinctively recognizing the merriment that follows a happy person. Shake some gin up with Red Bull and pour everyone a round. You’re giving them energy, which means they have to entertain you. Enjoy it for now, because one of them might sue you in August.

Aquarius, take stock of your life this week. Honestly ask yourself: have you lost interest in your goals? Perhaps you’ve changed; maybe you’ve matured. Should you redefine your priorities and take a different path? Or are you just too drunk to be on a path at all? With all that Jack Daniel’s in your system, that might be it. Ask yourself in the morning.

Pisces, if you have any important decisions looming, you might want to wait a  while. The stars are being dickish again, serving up lashings of pessimism until August. The stars are so negative about finances and negotiations for July that they insist you hole up with the biggest supply of Malibu and Crown Royal you can muster. Wait out this bad patch on the bathroom floor, clinging to the toilet to stop the room spinning. When August comes, consider going into politics.