ASTROLIQUOR for March 8-14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, it’s time to mend a relationship. The conflict started out small, but then you were a dickhead and exaggerated the situation. Now you need to pocket your pride. This is embarrassing, so you’ll do well to eliminate any inhibitions. With what? you ask. Why, with Jack Daniel’s and blackberry brandy in equal parts. Not at work, though—the stars are already forecasting a crappy performance review.

Taurus, your ability to focus abandons you. You’ll spend at least four hours this week watching people do the Harlem Shake and hunting through YouTube for philosophy lectures that bolster the weird-ass stuff you already believe in. Go out and have fun instead. The stars encourage incorporating Midori Melon into all your activities, as long as they get you out of the house.

Stock up on beer and potato chips, Gemini—you’re having a house party this week. Play some good music and people will show up by the dozen. Watch out for a Libra—a totally wrecked Libra. You’ll want to keep this person out of trouble. Pull him/her aside and have a real conversation about something important to you. Not only will you start a solid friendship; you’ll have someone to help you clean up later.

Cancer, the stars call for communication and negotiation with an emphasis on finance. You’ll be assertive and effective. You may well wonder: What place does alcohol have in this? The stars say “no place,” but who says you have to listen to the stars? They are very distant balls of exploding gas, and they know ^&*$@!* about your life. Pour some watermelon schnapps and tell the stars to kiss your ass.

Leo, get serious about finance and household matters. Buy some real estate, perhaps, or some throw pillows. If you fix up your surroundings you’ll feel like having visitors (the stars say “older women”). Moreover, you’ll get sympathy without having to act like a jerk. Of course all this civility will run its course and end with several ounces of Bailey’s dropped into a pitcher of lager.

As a Virgo you tend to be a pragmatist—but not this week. Get your paranormal/ astrological/ metaphysical game on. You could take a course and earn credentials similar to Sylvia Browne’s (or, since those would be “zero,” you could study some old metaphysics texts). This is not incompatible with drinking tequila, but it will mess up your workout at the gym. No-brainer: tequila.

Libra, you’ll experience memory dropouts commensurate with the amount of cognac that’s mysteriously disappeared from your bar. Yes, you bottomed out, Libra, and you can’t remember any of it. This will make friends and relatives laugh at you, and you will probably get fired, especially if you are an air traffic controller. Sounds like a reasonable week.

You get some bad health-related news about a friend, Scorpio. This person used to be in kick-ass shape, but you just can’t neglect a thing like syphilis indefinitely. Your friend is in trouble, and you’d better visit. Not that you have to avoid the subject. Your friend will love talking frankly with you, especially if come stocked with sloe gin, banana liqueur, vodka, triple sec, and Southern Comfort.

Sagittarius, those benders have been keeping you from a robust social life. Friends are starting to resent your no-shows—but not as much as they resent you breathing next-day Green Chartreuse all over them when you do make an appearance. If you feel too sick to address your social shortcomings, give yourself a week or so. But do keep up with old friends, because you’re not exactly making new ones.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. Your body is wrecked after weeks of slamming blended whiskey and rum. If you don’t know how to relax, try modelling your behavior after someone you consider especially indolent. If you fake being a lazy douche for long enough, the next thing you know, you’ll actually be one, and then you’ll have arrived. Pour yourself some creme de cacao.

Aquarius, you suck at minding your finances, but your bank account is going critical, so it wouldn’t hurt to set a budget. No more fancy vodka for you; buy a plastic-jug brand. You’ll probably use the money you save to go on an expensive date rather than actually banking it, but that’s okay; you need human contact. Too bad the person is sketchy and knows where you live.

Pisces, strong emotions take over this week, leaving you barely able to function. This is what happens when you ingest nothing but rye with Tang® all week; you’re reduced to a snivelling ruin. Talk about your feelings, but not with people you know. Try people on the subway or in other confined spaces from which they can’t run away immediately. What you say is disturbing, but you need to say it. Remember life is beautiful, even if you’re not the most beautiful component of it.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 3-9—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re gripped by a sudden ambition to improve your mind, Aries, but you don’t have the time to take classes or study. With family/friends quick to compete for your spare time, self-improvement seems like a luxury. Is it worth it? Write out one of those pro-vs-con lists to get clarity. Maybe you don’t need to add any new activities to improve yourself. Maybe you just need to subtract half a bottle of Skyy from your daily intake.

Taurus, there’s a birthday party in the stars this week—be careful not to forget about it or the celebrant may not forgive you. Do you have an electronic calendar or diary to remind you? Or do you just need to dial back the vanilla vodka and banana liqueur? Those products aren’t so conducive to good recall.

Air things out at home this week, Gemini, and not in a figurative way. Your house smells like someone painted the walls with a bucket of Malibu-Frangelico-Bailey’s vomit. It’s oppressive—how can you think in such a fetid atmosphere? Go out if you need to, regardless of the weather. Get drunk enough that you don’t notice the funk when you get home.

Life feels smooth this week, Cancer. You’re making good professional contacts as well as potential romantic ones, which makes you feel happy and expansive—and in turn leads to delusional spending. Now’s the time to stock that bar with less mainstream items such as blackberry schnapps and white creme de cacao. Quick! Get to the liquor store before your inner accountant wakes up.

Leo, the stars feature friendship this week, so make some playdates for yourself. A Gemini in particular will grab your attention. Your intuition about this person is spot-on. Give it time (maybe even until 2013 if such a year comes to be) and the relationship will deepen. With life so satisfying, your drinking sinks to a dull roar. I see you sipping port or blackberry brandy and not having to throw it up.

Just when the week seems to be swimming along uneventfully, Virgo, you face a bar fight. Oh no! But maybe it’s not all bad…if you get roughed up sufficiently you may be able to sue for damages. This will pay for some home-improvement expenses in September or October—and/or a new supply of vodka and Blue Curacao.

Libra, the alarm clock is starting to feel like an enemy. Late nights, especially when fueled by raspberry Stoli and triple sec, are taking their toll. Did you know that passed-out sleep doesn’t give you the proper rest that sober sleep does? OMG! It’s true. Try drinking earlier in the day so you can sober up by bedtime and get some good Zzzzzs.

You’ve been feeling hampered lately, Scorpio, but this week you finally get to break free. Get outside, take a walk, call a friend. Get rid of useless possessions that weigh you down. Drop some work- or family-related responsibilities…whatever it takes to break the “trapped” cycle. And if those ideas don’t work, get into the vodka.

Sagittarius, you may be the consummate multi-tasker, but not this week. The fewer projects you take on, the better you’ll manage them. Your brain cells have taken an Absolut beating lately. Scratch driving from your list of activities—even on sober mornings you’ll have trouble focusing, never mind texting. If you can survive until Friday, you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re cute.

Do you have an old friend you’ve been forgetting, Capricorn? Make an effort to send a note or a small gift—or just visit with a gin bottle. The stars suggest (ominously) that you don’t have much time to make this gesture…your friend may move away, write you off, or kick the bucket. If you put it off, you may end up consoling yourself at the bar (Saturday’s the best day because someone there will be into you).

Aquarius, you still need to keep the purse strings drawn fairly tight. You may have renewed your mortgage unfavorably, or otherwise committed monthly installments for some expense or other. This doesn’t bode well for the awesome bar you covet. Sadly, this isn’t the week to invest in exotica such as kiwi liqueur to fill out your collection. The stars recommend cheap swill, at least until next month.

Pisces, this is a week for reinvention, which will make you insufferable for friends and family. You reassess your hobbies, your travel ambitions, and your liquor cabinet. Not content to down a beer with old friends, you find yourself at unfamiliar bars, ordering rounds of Jagermeister and dancing while people fling coins at you. Are you being a douche? Only your bartender knows for sure.