Jolly Ranchers

ASTROLIQUOR for October 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, maybe the weather’s affecting you, because you’re trading in bar fights for cozy nights at home with a stable partner. Old bar buddies wonder where the hell you are and snipe at you verbally, but for now you’re ignoring their urgings toward the pub. Truth is, you don’t even notice them; you and your “stable partner” have mixed up a vat of Everclear, bourbon, rum, and tequila. You can’t carouse because you can’t move. What a great way to avoid bar fights!

Taurus, last week’s sobriety has left you unsteady and insecure. Lucid brain cells make for too much self-analysis, and for you it’s a full-on identity crisis. Unrest in your love live complicates these turbulent thoughts. OMG, how can we fix this? Got a frozen juice can? Don’t even thaw it; scoop it into a punch bowl, add two cans of rum or vodka, then a bottle of sparkling wine. No more turbulent thoughts for you! No thoughts, even.

Gemini, you’ll make a good impression on a Libra or an Aquarius—someone who loves fashion and accessories. If this sounds worthwhile, give your wardrobe a once-over before the stars start bombarding you with nosy Libras and Aquarians. If you don’t care, stay in your dirty old sweats and spill as much cranberry vodka on them as you like. Let them wonder what the stains are.

Cancer, you find people annoying this week and think everyone’s criticizing you, even when they’re slathering you up with compliments. Friends are in for a rough time. But it’s not you; it’s the stars making you an asshole. Avoid people and seek enlightenment. Everyone knows Jolly Ranchers are the path to the Third Eye. Here’s your recipe:

  • 4 oz cheap vodka
  • 10 oz cheap rum
  • cranberry juice

This tastes exactly like a Jolly Rancher and will keep you from talking to people. Win win!

Leo, you’re dwelling on something that happened in the past, harboring blame toward the people involved. Memory is troublesome this way—how can you move forward when you keep replaying the incident? Pesky brain cells… The second you start fixating, pour yourself a whiskey. Again! Again! What’s your name? How many paws am I holding up? Who are you mad at? Nobody, right?

Virgo, a female acquaintance will enlighten you this week with a small detail about yourself. This new knowledge will disorient you and make you anxious. You’ll need a lot of gin to keep from fretting. Perhaps you should avoid that friend for the time being, in case she has any more informative nuggets. Then again, if she told you your pants were inside out and sported a skid mark, well…you need friends like that.

Libra, you have a relaxing week ahead: friends, entertainment, and joy all come easily, as does effective work. You have flow, and this makes you feel exciting and successful. When you’re in the zone, you attract others. This is an excellent time to have a party. Whatever you do, don’t have a bender alone; socializing is rarely so favored by the stars. Indeed, the stars think you should share your gin.

Communication continues to be positive this week, Scorpio. You have a clear head for articulating your thoughts. Enjoy it, because the stars are threatening you with diplomacy challenges, specifically in your workplace. Better start planning your flask contents! I’m thinking green-apple vodka with apple juice. Who’s gonna tell you that’s not breakfast?

Sagittarius, your chart is tied strongly to Scorpio’s this week. Someone at work has a flask of green-apple vodka and isn’t sharing. So you smile, hoping to get some. The Scorpio takes this as a come-on. Now you have an awkward situation and you still haven’t got any vodka. Better mix your own awesome flask.

Your charisma is extra-shiny this week, Capricorn. Entertaining and humorous, you have friends and acquaintances rapt, making them ripe for manipulation. Don’t do it! Especially that Scorpio with the green-apple vodka—if you even smile, they’re going to think you’re into them. Stay away from Scorpios, vodka, and apples this week. The only friend you need is Jose Cuervo.

Aquarius, you’ll shine this week, but you may become exhausted as everyone looks to you for wisdom and assistance. That’s the problem with sobriety; it improves your coordination, balance, clarity, and intelligence—then all your drunk friends ask you to operate their power tools and write their theses. Take yourself out of the equation:

  • 3 oz vodka
  • 1 oz brandy
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

There. You should be useless now. If not, have another.

Pisces, the stars are calling for sexy time with a Virgo. You don’t normally think of yourself as a sex object (even when you were in jail those sexy times didn’t seem so sexy). But this Virgo is very precious to you, so try to toss those inhibitions. You’ll get a confidence boost, which will translate indirectly into greater career success. You’ll stop putting Jack Daniel’s in your morning oatmeal, and hello productivity.

The dark side of gummy bear hedonism

I got a shock when I looked at my gummy bears this morning.

They were supposed to look happy and plumply saturated with rum.

But instead, they’d turned into goo.

Neither of my two brain cells had remembered my own posts about flavoring vodka with Skittles and Jolly Ranchers, a process in which those candies dissolve uniformly…

I felt sick.

It reminded me of Breaking Bad—meth-peddling thugs get liquefied in an acid bath after messing with the wrong dudes. Only my little bears weren’t thugs, and I was the wrong dude.

The horror.

My head was spinning. Holy shit, I’d done something ghastly to my little compatriots and there was no way they were coming back from it.

What would you do??

I had to get my head on straight.

I visited my friend Blackie Bear, not generally known for sensible advice, but comforting in a bearish way.

If he was shocked about the fate of the gummy bears he didn’t indicate it; he maintained a neutral expression as I poured out the story of their execution.

Blackie is a good listener.

Finally he said, “Bro, you can’t get upset about it. Gummy bears aren’t like us, buddy. They don’t feel. They’re not smart. They’re just…candy. You don’t think those gummy bears chose to dive into the Bacardi, do you?”

“No,” I said. “I gave them a pep talk first. And now they’re dead.”

Blackie was still for a while. Actually, he’s good at staying still. Sometimes he doesn’t move at all for days. He stared at me very hard for a long time before saying:

“Dude. Dude, those bears aren’t bears, they’re just candy. You can’t anthropomorphize them.”

I looked into Blackie’s dark, beady eyes, close-set in his smallish head. He is so cuddly, Blackie Bear. But as I peered at him I was overwhelmed by a troubling thought. Something inescapable rose in me like a scream. Blackie isn’t…he isn’t….Blackie isn’t really…he’s not a real…

He’s not a real psychiatrist. I mean, he doesn’t have any training or anything. I don’t even know where he learned the word “anthropomorphize.”

Jolly Rancher Vodka—get some ready for breakfast!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Jolly Ranchers Vodka: mixthatdrink.com

You may have been weirded out by the off-putting opacity of Skittles Vodka. It makes sense that people might wish to see through their candy-styled vodka infusions, and if you’re one of these clarity fans, then here’s a shiny, translucent variation: Jolly Ranchers Vodka—yeah!!

Jolly Ranchers have long been regarded as a lens into overlapping realities. With a mind-blowing assortment of flavors, they’ve historically been the preferred side dish of acid-tripping synaesthetes who love to merge taste and smell with sound and color. Aficionados say Jolly Ranchers can make an LSD trip all-singing and all-dancing all night.

It kind of sounds like one of those made-up geezer stories you hear from forty-somethings like my parents who like to wax on about their lives “BC”—you know, when they used to read two books instead of one and stayed up until 11:00 instead of 10:00. But I honestly doubt my parents have ever done anything more heart-pounding than miss their stop on the SkyTrain.

Boring parents aside, this lovely Mix That Drink recipe seems like a nice nod to the role Jolly Ranchers may or may not have played in altered consciousness. You have to know I’ll never be allowed to devote a bottle of Grey Goose to it, but I hope you will, my friends, and tell me all about it.