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ASTROLIQUOR for April 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, thank goodness the new moon is over. A new moon in your sign can be a total pain in the ass—it often directs you toward self-assessment. Did you look in the mirror this week? Did you like what you saw? Or did you see a douchebag? Did you at least have clean underwear on? Maybe your reflection told you it’s gym time. But if you did like what you saw, start pouring rum, vodka, Blue Curacao, and peach schnapps…and congratulate yourself for your awesomeness.

Taurus, this week features hidden aspects of your being…the subconscious, spirituality, and underwear—make sure you buy at least one new ginch this week. After all, you can’t really tackle big stuff like spirituality and core values when you’re sporting an ineradicable skid mark. Once you’ve centered yourself underwear-wise, consider meditating or hiking. Or just break out the Chambord and peach schnapps and center yourself under the toilet.

Gemini, the new moon has brought about a focus on friendship. Do you have good friends? Are you a good friend? And how do you know? Well. A good friend (at least in my book) would have a really well-stocked bar. A good friend would fill a glass with ice, then add a cherry and some grenadine. On top of that a good friend would pour generous lashings of vodka, peach schnapps, banana liqueur (extra for good measure), then some assorted juices (say orange and pineapple) plus some 7-Up. Of course a good friend would know these last three ingredients are totally optional. 😉

Cancer, of all the signs yours has been affected most seriously by this pain-in-the-ass new moon. In particular it wants you to assess your career. Do you have a five-year-plan? I don’t have a five-minute plan, but you, not being a bear (right?) are probably more responsible. Try to hash out a serious life plan. This should effectively drive you to drink at least 3 oz of Stoli—maybe more.

Leo, someone’s gotta do it, and this week it’s you. Slap that Designated Driver nametag on and help your friends out. Sobriety, while definitely painful, often provides opportunities for introspection. Focus this week on education. Renew any lapsed credentials you’re currently boasting as current on your resumé. Or if you hate learning, take a trip somewhere. But drive your drunken friends around first.

Virgo, you’re in for a dose of boring legal stuff this week, but at least you might inherit some cash. Even if you don’t, you’ll be left with the urge to plan your own will, or at least manage your debt a little better. Cheap booze can help with this. Instead of gravitating toward the pricey flavored vodka, head for the big plastic jugs. Yay! Guilt-free vodka.

Libra, this week is all about relationships. The stars urge you not to be a dickhead. No more freeloading—at least this week. If someone invites you over for supper, accept graciously and arrive with some decent vino. But if no one invites you anywhere, you kind of had it coming. Stay inside and concoct something interesting:

  • 2 oz whisky
  • 2 oz creme de menthe
  • 4 oz black tea

Yup. That’s it.

The new moon is stirring up shit in your sign too, Scorpio. Reinvent yourself, get organized, turn over a new leaf…or at least clean the toilet. Improving your surroundings is step one. Step two is all about creating some kind of “new you.” Thank goodness this stupid new moon is over; this kind of self-improvement can get tiring. You deserve a cookie for enduring it—or better yet, a big tumbler full of Jim Beam. Grape soda is optional.

Sagittarius, you’re the luckiest sign this week. The stars are greenlighting playtime, which means you get to do whatever you want. Learn a new instrument, binge-watch a bunch of movies, plan a fabulous vacation, pick people up at the supermarket…and needless to say, go heavy or go home when it comes to the shots. I’m thinking Tia Maria and banana liqueur layered in a shot glass with some Bacardi 151 on top. YEAH! Everyone wants to be you this week, Sagittarius!!!

Home improvement is highlighted, Capricorn, so make a list of all the crap that’s broken in your house. The stars say this is the only time this whole year that you’ll be able to think like Martha Stewart. If that doesn’t totally freak you out, you’re made of tougher stuff than I. But the home improvements might be some sort of metaphorical stand-in for getting your personal house in order, in which case you can forget Martha and have a good think. Absolut Citron will help.

Aquarius, your communications are always improved by 151-proof rum. Pay special attention to relatives, especially siblings. What do they want from you? Once you discern this, you’ll be able to relax and be yourself. But of course familiarity breeds contempt, so when you get tired of your relatives, go to Walmart and attempt to pick someone up. Or just count thongs.

Pisces, the stars feature money this week…and they mean MONEY. Yes, friend, this is the week to play the lottery. But then again, the stars might just be messing with you. They might be talking about spiritual or psychic wealth instead of monetary winnings. Hmmmm. Hard to know what to do. I would blow all that lottery money on light rum, triple sec, and Malibu. Maybe some juice too, or…you know what? Nah. No juice. Just booze.

How to make that workout bearable*

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* Pardon the tired pun.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 29 to April 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.

Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.

Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)

Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.

Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.

This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.

Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.

You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).

Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.

Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.

Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.