My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, thank goodness the new moon is over. A new moon in your sign can be a total pain in the ass—it often directs you toward self-assessment. Did you look in the mirror this week? Did you like what you saw? Or did you see a douchebag? Did you at least have clean underwear on? Maybe your reflection told you it’s gym time. But if you did like what you saw, start pouring rum, vodka, Blue Curacao, and peach schnapps…and congratulate yourself for your awesomeness.
Taurus, this week features hidden aspects of your being…the subconscious, spirituality, and underwear—make sure you buy at least one new ginch this week. After all, you can’t really tackle big stuff like spirituality and core values when you’re sporting an ineradicable skid mark. Once you’ve centered yourself underwear-wise, consider meditating or hiking. Or just break out the Chambord and peach schnapps and center yourself under the toilet.
Gemini, the new moon has brought about a focus on friendship. Do you have good friends? Are you a good friend? And how do you know? Well. A good friend (at least in my book) would have a really well-stocked bar. A good friend would fill a glass with ice, then add a cherry and some grenadine. On top of that a good friend would pour generous lashings of vodka, peach schnapps, banana liqueur (extra for good measure), then some assorted juices (say orange and pineapple) plus some 7-Up. Of course a good friend would know these last three ingredients are totally optional. 😉
Cancer, of all the signs yours has been affected most seriously by this pain-in-the-ass new moon. In particular it wants you to assess your career. Do you have a five-year-plan? I don’t have a five-minute plan, but you, not being a bear (right?) are probably more responsible. Try to hash out a serious life plan. This should effectively drive you to drink at least 3 oz of Stoli—maybe more.
Leo, someone’s gotta do it, and this week it’s you. Slap that Designated Driver nametag on and help your friends out. Sobriety, while definitely painful, often provides opportunities for introspection. Focus this week on education. Renew any lapsed credentials you’re currently boasting as current on your resumé. Or if you hate learning, take a trip somewhere. But drive your drunken friends around first.
Virgo, you’re in for a dose of boring legal stuff this week, but at least you might inherit some cash. Even if you don’t, you’ll be left with the urge to plan your own will, or at least manage your debt a little better. Cheap booze can help with this. Instead of gravitating toward the pricey flavored vodka, head for the big plastic jugs. Yay! Guilt-free vodka.
Libra, this week is all about relationships. The stars urge you not to be a dickhead. No more freeloading—at least this week. If someone invites you over for supper, accept graciously and arrive with some decent vino. But if no one invites you anywhere, you kind of had it coming. Stay inside and concoct something interesting:
- 2 oz whisky
- 2 oz creme de menthe
- 4 oz black tea
Yup. That’s it.
The new moon is stirring up shit in your sign too, Scorpio. Reinvent yourself, get organized, turn over a new leaf…or at least clean the toilet. Improving your surroundings is step one. Step two is all about creating some kind of “new you.” Thank goodness this stupid new moon is over; this kind of self-improvement can get tiring. You deserve a cookie for enduring it—or better yet, a big tumbler full of Jim Beam. Grape soda is optional.
Sagittarius, you’re the luckiest sign this week. The stars are greenlighting playtime, which means you get to do whatever you want. Learn a new instrument, binge-watch a bunch of movies, plan a fabulous vacation, pick people up at the supermarket…and needless to say, go heavy or go home when it comes to the shots. I’m thinking Tia Maria and banana liqueur layered in a shot glass with some Bacardi 151 on top. YEAH! Everyone wants to be you this week, Sagittarius!!!
Home improvement is highlighted, Capricorn, so make a list of all the crap that’s broken in your house. The stars say this is the only time this whole year that you’ll be able to think like Martha Stewart. If that doesn’t totally freak you out, you’re made of tougher stuff than I. But the home improvements might be some sort of metaphorical stand-in for getting your personal house in order, in which case you can forget Martha and have a good think. Absolut Citron will help.
Aquarius, your communications are always improved by 151-proof rum. Pay special attention to relatives, especially siblings. What do they want from you? Once you discern this, you’ll be able to relax and be yourself. But of course familiarity breeds contempt, so when you get tired of your relatives, go to Walmart and attempt to pick someone up. Or just count thongs.
Pisces, the stars feature money this week…and they mean MONEY. Yes, friend, this is the week to play the lottery. But then again, the stars might just be messing with you. They might be talking about spiritual or psychic wealth instead of monetary winnings. Hmmmm. Hard to know what to do. I would blow all that lottery money on light rum, triple sec, and Malibu. Maybe some juice too, or…you know what? Nah. No juice. Just booze.