captain morgan

ASTROLIQUOR for September 2013—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

My little summer companions are back to school today. Let’s hope this means my typists will resuscitate the blog, but they’ve gotten pretty random lately, so who knows? For now, we need some celestial drinking guidance. I shudder to think what you’ve all been drinking without a booze horoscope. Budd Light? Say it ain’t so, my fellow inebriates.

The stars told me they were getting tired of weekly horoscopes, and that they could do a better job if I appealed to them only once a month. “Okay,” I said. “I am going to spend the rest of the month ripped out of my head on whatever you suggest.” We made a deal, and here it is.

Aries, it’s time to get a job, and September is your month. Don’t say you have no skills, and even if you really don’t, you can fake your way through any interview with a carefully crafted cocktail of Rockstar energy drinks, vodka, triple sec, and cranberry juice (for that urinary tract infection the stars say you have). Make sure, as you vibrate your way through the interview, that you drop all the classic key words: you’re a team-playing, multi-tasking, out-of-the-box thinker, right? Hellz, yes, how could you not be with every brain cell buzzing? You won’t be able to sit still, but at least try to be organized. Arrange your files logically. Save a desk drawer for a flask. Your make-or-break period starts September 5, so load up. Maintain your knife-edge buzz and you’ll be saying yes to a promotion in January. Just remember: it all starts with vodka.

Taurus, you’re sniffing out autumn, ready to say good-bye to hot weather and stock up on booze brands that will warm your cockles (whatever cockles are). Run to your local booze shop and stock up on white rum, tequila, vodka, gin, and Cointreau. You need these items for a housewrecker party that will kick off your fall season and launch you down a new romantic path. Enjoy it while it lasts; October will bring you a world of horoscopic shit as the planets bang around in your sign. The more inebriated you can remain, the better.

Gemini, the planets are hanging out in your home/family house, hinting at some domestic improvements. Depending on what sort of Gemini you are, this could entail painting or recarpeting. It might just mean running the vacuum cleaner around occasionally. Or maybe the stars think you should pick up those dirty skid-marked ginchies in the corner or scrub that barf stain off the side of the toilet. Whatever the hell kind of Gemini you are, don’t tackle anything so ambitious without a healthy glass of tequila and grapefruit juice. You need the vitamins.

Cancer, you’ll be ready for fall once you exorcise the last of your summer travel itches. Too bad you don’t have any money. Solution? Get blasted on gin and creme de cassis, then ride the subway. You’ll meet lots of exotic people and maybe even have what we vagrant types call a “transit romance.” On September 5 the new moon lands in your “home” house, thus ending your urge to roam and setting off a lengthy agoraphobic phase. Make sure you buy some lottery tickets online because you are sure to win, and then you’ll never have to leave the house.

Leo, this is a fantastic month to be you. Mars brings its warlike energy into your sign, filling you with piss, vinegar, and Captain Morgan’s spiced rum with a peach schnapps chaser. This is an excellent time to start new projects as long as they don’t involve power tools or driving a motor vehicle. Your best days are September 12/13, when Mars and Uranus will combine their energies somehow to get you a raise at work. Enjoy, because October’s gonna suck.

Virgo, you’ll finally get the out-of-control birthday party you’ve always felt so deprived of. That’s because the new moon is in your sign, bringing positivity and joy (for ten days, then you’re wallowing in vomit). In addition to the new moon, Jupiter helps out by camping in your friendship house, so invite everyone you know, including that sketchy FB friend list of yours. They will arrive at your bash with bourbon and lime wedges, copulate in your spare bedroom, and soil all your towels. Jupiter loves this kind of shit, but Saturn will swing by and reprimand you with a ferocious hangover. It’ll be like listening to muppets screaming Happy Birthday inside your ear canal all day. Sounds good, right?

Libra, life has been tough this summer, but September brings a little hiatus. The sun, moon, and Mercury usher in a creative phase, so take any holidays you have outstanding and get to work on your screenplay. Too bad Mercury moves so quickly; this phase will be short. It will speed the hell out of your creative house and into your medical house—next thing you know some doctor will be kneading your gonads. All of which makes you feel that your life lacks…a plan. By the end of September life will be tough again and you’ll be on the psychiatrist’s couch—maybe even in a straitjacket. Here’s a special “soothing” drink for Libras who are on the verge of losing their shit:

  • 1/2 cup creme de cacao
  • 1/2 cup triple sec
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 2 cups milk

Scorpio, last month was good for your career, but you didn’t have any tequila in the house then. September is very different, with Mars bringing its special bar-fight energy into your tenth house (fame). You will probably end up on YouTube clocking someone on the subway (see Cancer for potential victims). Worst-case scenario, you end up incarcerated; best-case scenario, you end up with lots of free time, as your under-appreciative boss cuts you loose so you can write your novel. And by all means do that. Apply for welfare and write your heart out; the stars say you will definitely secure a publisher as long as you keep fueling your writing with Hell Marys (Bloody Marys made with tequila). Ahhhh! Success will be yours.

Sagittarius, you will love September as it is extra-friendly this year, and your charisma will accelerate your career forward. The moment the new moon hits, great stuff will happen. Did you know there is an astrological house of other people’s money? Well, there totally is, and that’s where Jupiter is for you this month. And since Jupiter is so big and has such amazing gravity, this means that it will suck money from other people toward you. We’re talking venture capital, bonuses, investment payouts, pyramid schemes—you name it, if it constitutes some kind of illegitimate or shady earnings, you’re getting a windfall. And that means more Bacardi for you.

September looks good for you, Capricorn, especially after the new moon on the 5th, heralding a debauched vacation and/or an all-expenses-paid business trip. Academics feature strongly, as do publishing and screenwriting, so make time during your vacation to brush up any pitches you’ve been working on. Vodka will help with this, especially during the actual pitches, so stock up and load up. Your brain cells can take it because there is a planetary confluence in a highly intellectual part of your chart. Capricorns are intelligent to begin with, so please take the stars seriously and dumb yourself down with lashings of vodka and Blue Curacao before you become annoying.

Aquarius, you’re not usually money-oriented, but your chart is this month, which makes for a bit of a disconnect. The new moon will bring you career success and a probable bonus. Now, even though Aquarians don’t know shit about money and are constantly giving it away, think carefully about stocking your bar first. The stars told me you have some crappy beer and boxed wine but no nuts-and-bolts liquor items such as brandy, bitters, and vermouth. You need these ingredients to have a kick-ass bar, AND you need to keep some money just in case the stars crap on you in October (they are planning to). OMG, you might not have any cash flow until February. Also, there are some planets milling around in your eighth house, which all good astrologers know means hemorrhoids are coming.

Synergy is your key word for September, Pisces. Whatever you think you can do alone, you can do ten times as well with a partner. And whatever you think you can do sober, you can do ten times as well after consuming a great big vat of gin, vodka, and white wine*. Collaboration is highlighted both personally and professionally, making September 6/7 great days for hook-ups and or PowerPoint presentations. Enjoy, because September will move fast, giving way to a financially shaky October. Remember to charge your cell phone; lots of your friends think you’re a douchebag because you never pick up.

 

*No driving! No power tools!

ASTROLIQUOR for May 3-6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I won’t be able to sleep if the horoscope is late one more time. Just thinking of you all embarking on your weekends without astrological booze guidance…OMG.

Aries, whatever your ride happens to be, it will need repairs this week. What better reason to fill up on vodka? You’ll be safely out of traffic, so go ahead. Don’t be surprised if none of your emails make sense while you’re pickled, though. You will probably miss an important one from a distant relative with some surprising news, which you’ll read in a drunken haze and not remember. You’ll also pick somebody up on Sunday and not remember that either.

Taurus, get into vacation-planning mode. If you research carefully, you’ll find something cozy and romantic—without blowing your booze budget. Although finances continue to be tight, you can’t afford to put your holiday off; you are a good candidate to go postal. Find a way to calm down before your trip. Cinnamon schnapps tossed into a pint of cider?

Gemini, chores are calling out to you but you’re fantastic at ignoring them. By the end of the week every piece of furniture in your house will be festooned with dirty underwear and dark…brown stains…which are actually chocolate, because this is the week you learn how to make pudding shots. Here’s how you do it:

  • 1 package Jell-O chocolate pudding
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Jose Cuervo
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2 cups frozen fake whipped topping

Mix all the liquids and fold in the fake whipped topping. Whisk it up and freeze in little containers (like the ones you put crackers in for the kids’ lunches). Be careful, these cause stains.

Cancer, your persecution complex will intensify this week despite good weather and plenty of supportive friends. One of the root causes is your lack of money. You enjoy spending generously and it kills you that you can’t invite the whole neighborhood over when you mix up a vat of Malibu and Captain Morgan mango rum. Hang in there; you’ll receive a bonus in June. The liquor store staff will be pleased to see you again.

Leo, you are very fortunate but sometimes you can’t see it. Pay attention to others this week and you’ll see how comparatively well-off you are. And while you’re watching these other people, one of them will catch your interest. This will develop into a sordid but lukewarm adventure involving a cocktail known as Rooster Piss. (Stock up on Jack Daniel’s and cinnamon schnapps.)

Virgo, you’re good at finishing projects you set out to do, and this week you’ll tie off many loose ends, impressing your family and colleagues. You’ll even attract romantic interest on Sunday, making this just about your most successful week of 2013. You deserve to get hammered. Equal parts Firewater, Wild Turkey, and Southern Comfort for you. Yeah!

Libra, you’ll have a bar fight with an Aries this week. Luckily it will peter out quickly, leaving you both to reel off in search of another bar, and, finding only one, sitting down together there and bonding. How touching, Libra—don’t you wish all your brawls were so socially productive? Dare your new friend to try a nasty shot: peach schnapps, milk, and grenadine.

Relax this week, Scorpio. If you chill out for a while, you’ll be able to prioritize tasks better and even blow some of them off. No work this weekend, say the stars—in fact, tack Monday on and make it a three-day rest. Find some friends and start pouring creme de menthe with vodka. Before bedtime, this drink is a plausible substitute for brushing your teeth (take the weekend off that too).

Sagittarius, solid foods are overrated, and the stars feel you should divert some grocery money to alcohol. Is your bar equipped with rum and tequila? Stock it up with essentials and take a pass on food. When you bow to the porcelain altar later, you’ll appreciate the lack of chunks. Sunday’s the best day for your love life.

Even though you’re looking and listening, Capricorn, you’re not processing what you see and hear. Don’t beat yourself up—this is inevitable with a headful of Midori Melon, sloe gin, Absolut, Southern Comfort, and Chambord. You may not be able to take notes on a lecture, but you sure know how to mix a drink. And let’s face it, that’s what matters.

Aquarius, you are exceptionally influential this week. Colleagues willingly become your lackeys, and you won’t hear one dissenting voice at work. It’s as though your eyes are spirals… This is a powerful way to operate, and it will last as long as you hang on to some sobriety. As soon as you mix that lovely combination of vodka, amaretto, and butterscotch schnapps in a cocktail shaker with ice, your will to dominate will disappear. Hmmm. Have you mixed it yet?

Someone is watching you, Pisces, but your neurons are marinating in vanilla schnapps; you don’t even notice this interesting new person. You do get the sense that you are being stalked, however—above and beyond your usual levels of paranoia. Try to sober up a bit and pay attention. Your admirer, a Capricorn, is just as permanently drunk as you. Unless you trip over each other, you’ll continue like two ships in the night. Two freaking wasted ships.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 19–25—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone close to you is having a birthday soon—don’t forget! Seriously, you’ve been having some badass memory blackouts, so put the date in your phone or something. Buy a nice present and show up sober. You guessed it—you’re the zodiac’s Designated Driver this week. Yay, you! The stars know you totally hate having this honor, but somebody’s got to do it. Pour yourself some chocolate milk.

Taurus, you can’t escape the weight of responsibility this week. You’ve been procrastinating for days, and there’s a big pile of work waiting for you. Think of ways to cut corners and get it done fast. But hold off on the Kahlua until you finish; it’s genuinely difficult to do a project when you’re shitfaced. Reward yourself afterwards with a drink. The stars wonder if you are sore from masturbating so much.

Gemini, you seem sure of yourself but it is all an act. Feel free to keep it up this week; people like you better when you’re pretending to be someone else. You’ll attract a Capricorn on Tuesday or Wednesday. This person is very fond of thongs, and also enjoys brandy with lime juice, bitters, and club soda. Stock up your bar and your underwear drawer.

Cancer, you may anticipate an easy week, but you’re dreaming. You’ll run out of money and spend the weekend consoling yourself by draining your liquor cabinet—say goodbye to your stockpile of Maker’s Mark and Grand Marnier. When the hell did you buy artichoke liqueur? Oh well, it’s gone now. Pick yourself up on Saturday and go somewhere. Don’t worry; you’ll meet someone nice.

Leo, you’re conflicted about relationships. Fact is, you don’t know what you want: a fling? or something serious? And the dilemma won’t get resolved this week. In fact, it will bother you until at least July, when you’ll discover how excellent gin is for quelling this sort of ambivalence. Mix it up (a lot of it) with some Forbidden Fruit liqueur and you won’t care about relationships at all.

You need a martini, Virgo, or you won’t be able to stop worrying about a certain purchase you made recently. That thing you bought doesn’t really work properly, but you’re too embarrassed to return it to the store. Hell, it was embarrassing enough buying it in the first place. Nor do you know anyone who’d want such an item, or admit to wanting it, or admit to wanting it and still want it after you’ve used it. Nah, you’ll have to attempt a return to the store. Get drunk first and stagger over there (on foot of course).

Libra, be careful about contracts this week; someone wants to take advantage of you financially. If you must sign something, read the small print carefully (while not pie-eyed on Sambuca and Bailey’s, okay?) and sign only when you’re sure you understand everything. Get lots of sleep before any meetings. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t sound like you’ll be pounding too many of those shooters this week. (Sigh.)

You have no interesting in maintaining relationships of no benefit to you, Scorpio. This is a position of strength—take no crap from anyone! You are a nice person who deserves the best. Right now you can’t decide whether you hate people or love them. Do you want to hole up by yourself or dance naked on a table? This is the sort of decision best left up to tequila.

Sagittarius, you’ll experience some hallucinations this week, both auditory and visual. Try to get some friends to corroborate what you’re experiencing. If you’re seeing weird shit, it might be because the weird shit is really there. Nevertheless, try to keep your head somewhat clear—nothing stronger than Guinness for you. Oh yeah, and don’t let anybody drive you anywhere. When you’re hallucinating, the bus is much more fun.

Somebody has a crush on you, Capricorn, a crush that will be revealed most awkwardly and inopportunely. You’ll be surprised this person feels so strongly about you; you’ve never really liked him/her and now the raw truth is before you (and probably all your colleagues and your spouse too). The best bromide for an awkward moment is gin—six ounces or so.

Aquarius, you’re on a roll socially, so you can get away with being drunk for the whole week. You feel lucky to be you and to have so many good friends and such relative wealth. Every single day someone will hit on you. You are indeed the envy of the zodiac. Take your joy to the next level with lashings of Everclear and Captain Morgan.

Pisces, while cleaning out your closets you’ll find an old photograph of someone you once cared deeply for. You’ll end up sitting among the cobwebs sobbing for your lost relationship, not to mention your lost youth. OMG, Pisces, does every week have to be pathetic? Come on, you need a happy drink:

  • 3 oz white rum
  • 1/2 oz creme de bananes
  • A whole bunch of difference juices (totally optional, especially given your state of mind)