ASTROLIQUOR for March 29 to April 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.

Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.

Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)

Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.

Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.

This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.

Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.

You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).

Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.

Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.

Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 15-21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have temper flare-ups this week—in other words, the usual. If you suppress your rage, your friends and family may not notice, but of course you’ll end up constipated and boiling over with high blood pressure. You could go for a long walk to work your stress out. But why not just pour yourself a belt of Cutty Sark and Jim Beam? Try four ounces each.

Taurus, wine will transform your life this week. Maybe you put away a couple of bottles, or maybe you get giddy after one glass. No matter—this week wine will sharpen your wit (at least from your perspective) and draw a charismatic Sagittarius into your orbit. Stock up on apple brandy so you can pour it on your pancakes the next morning.

Household stress is in the stars, Gemini. Could be domestic unrest; could be challenging renovations or moving. The stars don’t have the details. Stay away from irritating people, count to ten when you encounter stupid douchebaggery, and generally avoid going out, because that’s where people are. Mix a big Bear with Orange Balls and nurse it all day.

Cancer, your emotional side has become finely honed. December to February almost caused a psychotic break, but you’ve come through it with more insights than ever about yourself and what you want. Now it’s time to take action. But first, a little celebration of your breakthrough…brandy and champagne.

Leo, get busy with real estate decisions, renovations, or risky financial manoeuvres. You are slowly losing your mind to Southern Comfort, so take action while you can. Older women may help you with your efforts. Listen to them; they are wiser than you and much more sober, plus they will give you sympathy even when you’re embarrassing yourself.

Usually skeptical about astrology, Virgo, this week you have a lapse and delve heavily into the subject, along with other paranormal subjects. Have a seance and invite all the dead people you know. If this creeps you out, get drunk first on Bailey’s and blackberry schnapps. You may not attract spirits, but who needs them when you’ve got spirits in your cup?

Libra, your normally fine memory is on the fritz. Too much peppermint schnapps, perhaps? Or simply lack of concentration? You may be having trouble focusing on other people’s conversations, thinking them too boring, but what you don’t know (and the stars do) is that other people are sick of you passing out after barfing on their carpets.

Bad news continues to dog you, Scorpio, as yet another good friend comes down with an illness. This time it’s not syphilis, but it is serious. Take your friend some hot rum and learn all about the sickness. Maybe you can help and/or ingratiate yourself sufficiently to get into the will. Don’t forget to get some fresh air and shake off that hospital funk.

Sagittarius, make the effort to see an old friend with whom you’ve lost touch. Good friendships are important, and let’s face it, it’s hard to make new ones when you’re constantly staggering around with a gin buzz. You may feel physically weak, but it’s nothing serious—just the usual dehydration and morning shakes. Keep your bar stocked so you can get on top of it in the morning.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. You are seriously overstrained with worry and activity—perhaps even a touch of scurvy. Start incorporating vitamin C–rich juice into your bar drinks, but don’t forget the applejack brandy. Expect a Facebook friend request from a flaky character who reminds you of some sordid escapades from your past. Will you accept? (The stars don’t know.)

Aquarius, your spending is out of control. Do you really need all those artisanal spirits? You’re mainly just reeling around your house in a thong, right? Try getting by with just a couple of staples—say, Malibu and vodka. Skulk around the supermarket and find some discount fruit that’s not rotten yet. Soak it in vodka. Ahhh! Budget breakfast.

Pisces, your emotions clobber you this week with unexpected intensity, creating drama for all those around you. Big emotions frighten you and other people, so practise repressing them. Find a project, such as perfecting the Bloody Mary, and devote yourself to it. The stars don’t want you to be a nuisance to others.