pina colada

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 8–14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, it’s not an Absinthe-induced hallucination: someone you once briefly groped in a public restroom wants to see you again—years later. This may gratify your ego, but it should also remind you to have a wash. You can’t marinate in sambuca for a decade and expect that it won’t erupt from your fur pores. More importantly, after all this time you don’t know anything about your old fling. OMG, what star sign are you dealing with? Start creeping on Facebook and learn whatever you can; your reunion is in March.

Taurus, you usually figure out when someone’s going to prank you, but this week you have your head up your ass and miss the cues. That’s what comes of a headful of rum/Amaretto/Jagermeister, but it sure is worth it, although like Aries, you may want to investigate the bathtub a little more often. Not that I’d blame you if you didn’t—but the stars are calling for “hook-ups on public transit” this week.

Take extra precautions this week, Gemini, in terms of both the banal (eat “healthy”) and the exotic (stay out of lightning storms). Translation: no cream in your Kahlua/no naked streaking through a stormy field. Further translation: the stars aren’t going to let you do shit this week. The small consolation is that, if you end up getting hit by a car, the driver will be attractive.

Cancer, if a Scorpio offers you help with a project, accept it. Scorpios are shrewder than Cancers, even if they don’t have the patience to mix a  chocolate martini. You might be the exception, but then again you might not, so take the help because it will pay off big-time, and the stars aren’t doing anything for you with the lottery.

Leo, you get political this week, which is a refreshing change for the friends who’ve had to watch you lurch around on a whisky-and-chartreuse bender. Find a cause and pursue it, but don’t expect too many people to follow you; they’re not used to you being able to walk straight, never mind leading a movement. Make sure you ignore all criticism this week.

Virgo, your mission this week is to bar-hop until you find some interesting new friends. Choose the most superficial people you can find; you’ll have more fun that way, and they’ll be open-minded about rum-and-vodka breakfasts. Remember: it all starts with getting out of bed. If you don’t get out of your jammies, you won’t have any fun this week, and you might end up watching a bunch of philosophy lectures on YouTube.

Libra, although you feel social this week, you don’t feel like being honest. This won’t improve your standing with friends—they’ll know perfectly well you’re talking a load of vodka-fueled crap and cast you out of their circle for douchebaggery. Maybe you should stick to large groups of relative strangers and talk about neutral topics rather than poisoning existing friendships. Or you could just create some kind of internet identity and talk crap that way. (OMG! who would do that?)

Your relationship is feeling very serious, Scorpio. Right now it seems impervious to sexual rivalry—not just because your partner’s devoted to you, but because you have eyes for no other. But look out; you know how the stars like to mess with that shit. A Cancer will need your help with a project (finding the perfect proportion of Bacardi Peach and Southern Comfort, perhaps), and although this Cancer isn’t very smart, he/she will make your knees weak. So look out, Scorpio—by Sunday night all your stuff could be on the lawn.

Sagittarius, some heavy shit happens to your relationship and/or finances and you have to live outside for a while. You’ll have to read this horoscope at the library (don’t forget!), and you may want to invest in a flask or portable bar. Before you get kicked out of your home, make sure you grab some triple sec, vodka, and grenadine. Go out with class.

Pressure is building in your head, Capricorn, so make sure you go apeshit on the weekend with some tropical drinks. Think Malibu, Captain Morgan, Kahlua, and a bucket of pina colada mix. Then you’ll need to go outside, possibly naked, and find new friends. Your body will appreciate being unfettered by pent-up hostility and clothing.

Aquarius, this is the perfect week to redecorate and make your home more comfy. Be sure to shop for furnishings before you slam a blenderful of spiced rum, Blue Curacao, and Bacardi 151, though—your taste in home decor is markedly different when you’re not slurring your words, and you’ll end up spending less money. Bonus: the IKEA staff won’t have to call the police.

Pisces, a personal problem distracts you this week from helping others. Friends think you’re being a dick, but you’re really just mooning over an impossible crush. If you let this consume you, you won’t be able to help a dear friend who really needs you right now. Of course you’re not that useful anyway when you’re full-to-the-eyeballs with dark rum and Frangelico.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week looks good for small-time betting. No big gambles, mind you! You wouldn’t want to blow your Christmas alcohol fund. By “small bets” the stars are referring to iffy drink concoctions such as the following:

  • 6 beers
  • 6 shots Irish cream
  • 5 shots amaretto
  • 5 shots Kahlua
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract (the real stuff, with alcohol)
  • 1 shot Bacardi 151

You need a big jug for this. And a stat holiday the following day.

Taurus, you must resist spending money this week. Your tendency to buy things for the sake of ownership is resulting in hoarder-style furnishings and a pitiful liquor collection. Keep the purse strings tight until February (when you’ll win money). Until then, satisfy your urge to spend by purchasing the following items and sloshing them up together in your favorite vase. Yum!

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 6 oz orange vodka
  • Juice of half a lemon
  • 1/2 cup lemonade
  • 2 cups Sunny D (a weird cocktail in and of itself)

Finance is golden this month, Gemini, with successes in real estate, investment planning, anything legal, and even home redecoration (what about a painting?) on a budget.  Sounds like you’ll need a lot of energy! Luckily the stars are protecting you from the flu—but they’re still recommending that old-fashioned winter-ailment beverage: gingerale. Naturally you’ll need some rye with that.

Cancer, you’ll have trouble doing anything unsupervised this week. Find someone on your wavelength to help you with the basics—someone caring and nonjudgmental who’ll still love you when you’re hugging the toilet. If you can’t find someone like this, well…enjoy your Southern Comfort–cherry brandy bender. (Oh yeah, and the stars say there’s romance in your chart this week, but they have no idea how or when.)

Leo, you’ll suffer a bout of insecurity about your body, but this will pass quickly. Instead of dwelling on negatives, seek out luxuries such as massage/sauna treatments. Hang out with people who have weird physiques. Have a tropical-themed thong party. It’ll give you an excuse to make pina coladas.

If you’ve had a quarrel lately, Virgo, this is a perfect week to resolve it. Be true to yourself, though, or you’ll end up in an unsatisfactory compromise that’ll blow up later. You long to make new friends, especially ones with moustaches. Seek them out in bars and buy them rounds—they like to mix gin with gingerale and bitters.

Libra, a good friend with a get-rich-quick scheme is trying to rope you in. Your pal figures there’s a million bucks out there for the two of you, but so far he/she hasn’t even ponied up for drinks at the pub. Turn your attention to love instead of money; a Pisces, Taurus, or Leo will divert you thrillingly from ill-fated investments. And if they fail to focus you away from the dollar signs, remember—if you invest your money, you’ll never be able to afford these ingredients right now:

  • 4 oz Jack Daniel’s
  • 4 oz Jim Beam
  • 4 oz Southern Comfort
  • Coke to taste (I’m having “none”)

Another crazy weekend lies ahead, Scorpio, and as usual it won’t be over till Tuesday. You’ll return to reality with a hard thump—and a shitload of new work that won’t let up until the next wild weekend. Work hard so you can free yourself up! A lot of money is at stake, which means your liquor supply is under threat. Under siege during your weekends; under threat during the week! Just make sure you at least have some good gin and a reasonable vermouth.

Sagittarius, the stars are hedging their bets again, calling for either a loving relationship or a one-night stand on Saturday. (Stupid stars! How can they expect to maintain their astrological credibility?) You’ll be restless this week, but flexible and alert. Sounds a little too much like sobriety…have you run out of inventory? Even if all you have left is Cointreau or Razzmatazz, do it!

A good friend lets you down this week, Capricorn. Even though this alters your closeness, don’t give up entirely on the relationship. There’s a fair bit of blueberry schnapps and vodka involved in your friend’s lapse—something you can totally relate to. Nevertheless, the whole thing distracts you, leading to work screw-ups and your own vodka bender. If a third party offers to help, accept (especially if they have more vodka).

Aquarius, step up your efforts this week for greater success. Instead of leaning hard on colleagues, negotiate politely; be patient and diplomatic. Yes…this does translate into a dry-out week for you. Only by sobering up will you harness these mature social skills. Side-effect: you’ll notice all kinds of details about your workplace, including that person who has a crush on you. Sometimes plain lemonade’s not so bad.

Pisces, your philosophy that money isn’t important continues to dominate everything you do. This is great, because you still don’t have any money or job prospects. What you do have is a dwindling liquor cabinet…apple liqueur, anyone? Absinthe? But at least you’ll have a happy flirtation on Sunday, which will reaffirm the joys of freedom from a nine-to-five work week.

5 scary ideas from the freaky mind of Martha Stewart

My Fellow Inebriates,

Like anyone with a shred of common sense, I am freaking terrified of Martha Stewart. Just one glimpse of her faux-smile-concealing-untold-depths-of-cruelty and I get the shakes. So it’s no surprise that Martha knows how to make some scary cocktails, even if she doesn’t know she isn’t exactly pulling off that haircut any more (that’s for my Nana, who pretty much digs Martha except for the ‘do).

Was she hardened by the Inside, or is Martha Stewart just that naturally spine-tingling? Check out some of her creations…

Sinister Cider Cocktail

You need some weird stuff to make this martini, including sanding sugar, whatever that is (is it edible?) plus an apple, if you haven’t crossed over into the liquids-only territory we true alcoholics inhabit.

Lychee and Grape Eyeball Martinis

Martha tells you how to make frightening garnishes, but leaves the martini itself up to us. Let’s mix a triple.

Black Lagoon Cocktail

OMG, some people say this is the stuff that courses through Martha’s veins. But, hey, with four ounces of vodka in it, who’s quibbling?

Swamp Sips

It’s slimy! It’s murky! It’s rimmed with file powder, whatever the hell that is. And it has tequila in it. Gimme that swamp mix.

Pina Ghoulada

This rum-based coconut-cream cocktail is designed to appeal to blood-drinking monsters. Martha specifies “good-quality rum.”

Okay. Okay. I, er…OMG, I LOVE Martha Stewart!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MARTHA STEWART!!! She totally rocks that hairstyle and, OMG, does she ever know how to mix a drink!

I would get hammered with Martha any day. Morning, midnight, whatever.