ASTROLIQUOR for April 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Socially, Aries, you’re in for an unpredictable week. Expect everyone to behave like crazed drunks: one minute amorous, the next minute coming at you with a broken bottle. By Thursday you’ll have squeaked through this without injury, only to face a financial dilemma—an offer you can’t refuse…or can/should you? Wait until mid-April to decide. In the meantime? Jell-O shots of course:

  • 1 box orange Jell-O (the stars don’t know which size)
  • 1 cup boiling water
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/2 cup vodka

Follow package directions EXCEPT substitute the cold water with the juice and vodka (juice first so it cools down the boiling mixture and prevents vodka evaporation).

Taurus, financial security is heavily emphasized, with partners or close relatives laying on thick pressure to get your ducks in a row. This might mean buying insurance or looking into your investments. Or it could mean cutting back on the Jagermeister. The stars know good booze is expensive, so they advise cheap brands this week. Buy a big plastic jug of vodka and some no-name version of Kahlua. Your relatives and coworkers will nod with approval as you manage to save money for the future and still get totally wasted.

Your social life is complicated this week, Gemini, so maintain a healthy skepticism as friends make romantic declarations, only to rescind them the next day. Don’t take it personally—the stars are fickle this week. Then again, the morning after a one-nighter can sometimes be an unpleasant eye-opener. Perhaps your partner got grossed out by the tequila-and-gin vomit splattered on the shower stall…you know, the stain from February?

Cancer, whatever shit was flying at work, it will calm down this week. Your boss will forget that episode involving absinthe and Fresca—and may even deny the whole thing. By mid-week you’ll be the only person who remembers what happened, but your best-behavior paranoia won’t let up until at least Sunday. In the meantime you’ll find yourself saying yes to everything, so get ready for some bizarre new hobbies.

Leo, workplace ethics figure prominently this week, along with added responsibilities and dipshit assignments. This is not a good time to ask your colleagues if they know what the hell they’re doing. The less you know the better, and alcohol can help with that. Be patient and sip some sloe gin (from your flask).

You’ve been happily ignoring your family, Virgo, but you can get away with that for only so long. Relatives will decide they want to live with you and/or initiate complicated financial involvements that will interfere with your plans to drink rum in the nude. Thoroughly study any financial proposals before committing to anything. There’s a reason you’ve been keeping your family at arms’ length. They are nutbags.

Libra, you’ll be pestered by annoying little reminders from colleagues this week. Every five seconds you’ll encounter some new post-it with loopy writing reminding you to do something totally stupid and trivial. Bureaucracy will run rampant and sap your will to live. Hang on until Thursday, when people will turn into human beings again. That’s when you break out the Malibu.

Everyone around you is bored, Scorpio. It’s not your fault—you are doing your usual lunatic things and being entertaining as hell. It’s other people with mad repression who are hanging out in your space and driving you nuts with their inability to occupy themselves. Maybe if you give them some Grey Goose they will go away. It’s worth a shot.

Sagittarius, romantic overtures and social occasions will thrill you this week. You’ve been bored lately (have you been pestering any Scorpios?), so this is a great opportunity to get out of your funk. You’ll also consider new employment. This might be the result of a workplace incident involving dark rum and Dr. Pepper…or you might simply be seeking a new job. Oh yeah, and the stars say your rectum might itch this week, but it’s nothing major.

Professional events are a chore this week, Capricorn. Colleagues are unusually strained, as if they expect a pink slip any minute. This is a good time to network, just in case they’re right. It’s easier to get a job when you have a job, and right now you still have the mojo. Maintain diplomacy and meet as many contacts as you can. Stay alert! But if you figure your job is safe, you can go ahead and mix this up:

  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz De Kuiper Blue Island Pucker schnapps
  • 2 oz vodka

Whee!

Aquarius, everyone around you is moody this week. You’re walking on eggshells among friends who’ve mated with each other and broken up—and are now torturing you with the relationship aftermath. How awkward…get out the Malibu and Blue Curacao and make some happy drinks. That or banish your friends until they get over their liaison. On Friday you may receive a large inheritance. This will make you super-popular, so get rid of those mopey friends ASAP or you won’t be able to later.

Pisces, finances will be the usual fiasco this week, with all dealings strangely messed up, outlandish promises made and broken, and nutty propositions coming from all angles. Let’s face it: the only safe investment for your cash is liquor. Now’s the time to stock up on all those liqueurs you’ve wondered about. Do you have any Goldschlager? Buy it! Butterscotch schnapps? Go get it! Kahlua? Buy it, and mix it up. Mmmmm. You’re totally broke now, but happy.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week looks good for small-time betting. No big gambles, mind you! You wouldn’t want to blow your Christmas alcohol fund. By “small bets” the stars are referring to iffy drink concoctions such as the following:

  • 6 beers
  • 6 shots Irish cream
  • 5 shots amaretto
  • 5 shots Kahlua
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract (the real stuff, with alcohol)
  • 1 shot Bacardi 151

You need a big jug for this. And a stat holiday the following day.

Taurus, you must resist spending money this week. Your tendency to buy things for the sake of ownership is resulting in hoarder-style furnishings and a pitiful liquor collection. Keep the purse strings tight until February (when you’ll win money). Until then, satisfy your urge to spend by purchasing the following items and sloshing them up together in your favorite vase. Yum!

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 6 oz orange vodka
  • Juice of half a lemon
  • 1/2 cup lemonade
  • 2 cups Sunny D (a weird cocktail in and of itself)

Finance is golden this month, Gemini, with successes in real estate, investment planning, anything legal, and even home redecoration (what about a painting?) on a budget.  Sounds like you’ll need a lot of energy! Luckily the stars are protecting you from the flu—but they’re still recommending that old-fashioned winter-ailment beverage: gingerale. Naturally you’ll need some rye with that.

Cancer, you’ll have trouble doing anything unsupervised this week. Find someone on your wavelength to help you with the basics—someone caring and nonjudgmental who’ll still love you when you’re hugging the toilet. If you can’t find someone like this, well…enjoy your Southern Comfort–cherry brandy bender. (Oh yeah, and the stars say there’s romance in your chart this week, but they have no idea how or when.)

Leo, you’ll suffer a bout of insecurity about your body, but this will pass quickly. Instead of dwelling on negatives, seek out luxuries such as massage/sauna treatments. Hang out with people who have weird physiques. Have a tropical-themed thong party. It’ll give you an excuse to make pina coladas.

If you’ve had a quarrel lately, Virgo, this is a perfect week to resolve it. Be true to yourself, though, or you’ll end up in an unsatisfactory compromise that’ll blow up later. You long to make new friends, especially ones with moustaches. Seek them out in bars and buy them rounds—they like to mix gin with gingerale and bitters.

Libra, a good friend with a get-rich-quick scheme is trying to rope you in. Your pal figures there’s a million bucks out there for the two of you, but so far he/she hasn’t even ponied up for drinks at the pub. Turn your attention to love instead of money; a Pisces, Taurus, or Leo will divert you thrillingly from ill-fated investments. And if they fail to focus you away from the dollar signs, remember—if you invest your money, you’ll never be able to afford these ingredients right now:

  • 4 oz Jack Daniel’s
  • 4 oz Jim Beam
  • 4 oz Southern Comfort
  • Coke to taste (I’m having “none”)

Another crazy weekend lies ahead, Scorpio, and as usual it won’t be over till Tuesday. You’ll return to reality with a hard thump—and a shitload of new work that won’t let up until the next wild weekend. Work hard so you can free yourself up! A lot of money is at stake, which means your liquor supply is under threat. Under siege during your weekends; under threat during the week! Just make sure you at least have some good gin and a reasonable vermouth.

Sagittarius, the stars are hedging their bets again, calling for either a loving relationship or a one-night stand on Saturday. (Stupid stars! How can they expect to maintain their astrological credibility?) You’ll be restless this week, but flexible and alert. Sounds a little too much like sobriety…have you run out of inventory? Even if all you have left is Cointreau or Razzmatazz, do it!

A good friend lets you down this week, Capricorn. Even though this alters your closeness, don’t give up entirely on the relationship. There’s a fair bit of blueberry schnapps and vodka involved in your friend’s lapse—something you can totally relate to. Nevertheless, the whole thing distracts you, leading to work screw-ups and your own vodka bender. If a third party offers to help, accept (especially if they have more vodka).

Aquarius, step up your efforts this week for greater success. Instead of leaning hard on colleagues, negotiate politely; be patient and diplomatic. Yes…this does translate into a dry-out week for you. Only by sobering up will you harness these mature social skills. Side-effect: you’ll notice all kinds of details about your workplace, including that person who has a crush on you. Sometimes plain lemonade’s not so bad.

Pisces, your philosophy that money isn’t important continues to dominate everything you do. This is great, because you still don’t have any money or job prospects. What you do have is a dwindling liquor cabinet…apple liqueur, anyone? Absinthe? But at least you’ll have a happy flirtation on Sunday, which will reaffirm the joys of freedom from a nine-to-five work week.