ASTROLIQUOR for May 17–23, already in progress!

Okay, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone totally off the rails. I pleaded with my typist to dump the paid work in favor of this, your guide to the week’s alcohol consumption. But you try reasoning with either of my parents. So here’s a quickie. (Sometimes a quickie is a good thing.)


I haven’t seen Snapple at the store in a long time, but the stars want you to get some Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple and liquor it up with Malibu. You’re welcome.


The stars think you should combine gin and vodka (it’s a travesty, just have gin) with 7-Up, lemon juice, and lime juice. Seriously, just gin.


Butterscotch schnapps and Crown Royal. Everyone has those on hand, right?


You get something elaborate to keep you busy. And it will be an appetizing grey-blue if you shake it up correctly: 3 oz Raspberry Stolichnaya, 10 oz margarita mix, 2 oz Blue Curacao, and 2 oz creme de cassis. It will look gross but get you shitfaced.


You need a nice hot laced coffee. Pour in some brandy, all the kinds of rum you have, plus froufrou stuff like cinnamon sticks and brown sugar. Yum. You are definitely not going in to work.


Party, party…Midori Melon, Cointreau, vodka, and whatever citrus juice-type things you can rastle up.


Absolut. That is all, unless you want to add some lemon.


Three things: Aftershock Cinnamon, rum, and triple sec. Copious quantities. If it’s too shocking, add some soda.


Got some cherry vodka? Shake it with some sloe gin, dry vermouth, and optional pineapple juice. Who needs juice anyway?


Aha, Southern Comfort rears its ugly head in your star chart. Equal parts sloe gin and amaretto…ahhhh!


What to do with something as unpalatable and corrosive as Coca-Cola? Why, add Jack Daniel’s and Wild Turkey of course.


Hypnotiq…we have never purchased this at LBHQ, to my great chagrin. The stars command equal parts Hypnotiq and Sprite, plus a report to LBHQ of whatever shenanigans ensue.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 15–21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Gear up for some excitement, Aries—maybe a housewrecker party or a night of bar-hopping. You’ll be out all night and end up conflating breakfast with, well, more drinking. Try blending up a cup of banana schnapps with some bananas for a wholesome breakfast. While you’re replenishing your potassium and blood-alcohol percentage, why not email that Leo you had the one-night stand with last year? He/she will be delighted to hear from you, especially in your condition.

Taurus, you’re due for an ignominious week. Expect to break a lot of bottles…a lot. Be stoic when someone attacks you for your recklessness; the criticism is less about you than it is about this douchebag’s own unhappy life. If he/she pounded the orange vodka and Cointreau the way you do, life would be sunny. Someone will make you an appealing offer this week. Lay off the vodka briefly so you can consider it—it might be too good to be true.

A friend needs you again, Gemini, but you just don’t feel like helping. Ordinarily you’re good at navigating such situations, but this particular friend gets you with a brainful of Malibu and, well, you just don’t care. The person seeking help feels very bonded to you emotionally and will be offended when you ignore the pleas, so you may have to employ some diplomacy later. That or just pour yourself some more Malibu.

The pressure continues, Cancer. Not only are your finances still #&*%^#—so are your mental faculties. Just when you think you understand a difficult concept, it slips away. Losing one’s mental capacity is one of the most frightening prospects anyone can face, especially if it wasn’t any hell to begin with. Consider visiting the doctor or, if you just don’t want to know for sure, maintain a constant buzz. How about gin, Malibu, and sour apple liqueur? That should keep prevent your remaining neurons from worrying.

Leo, you’ll get a very lucrative monetary offer, job offer, or maybe just a sales flyer from your favorite store. Listen to your emotions as you make your decision. Whether you end up taking the deal, refusing it, or just blowing all your cash at Walmart, make sure you have enough left to stock your bar. You’re running out of vanilla liqueur and probably a whack of other important liquor-store items. The stars want you to mix the liqueur with orange juice and milk. I say just drink it straight.

What happens when you combine Corona with tequila and grenadine at work, Virgo? You may just end up getting a raise, as your brash, uninhibited self takes over from your mousy daytime personality and wows your boss. Especially if your boss is an Aquarius, the stars say do it. If that doesn’t work out (and let’s face it, some people consider tequila and work incompatible),  you’ll probably end up winning some lottery cash. But don’t spend it all! The stars are malevolent about your finances in April.

Libra, a natural disaster has you in its sights. Water may well be involved, so take whatever precautions occur to you. Of course, the stars may be exaggerating—you might just have your toilet back up after your five-year-old feeds an entire roll of toilet paper to it. Either way, you’ll need to stock up on liquor. Put that crazy kid to bed and mix this number:

  • 4 parts Hypnotiq
  • 4 parts gin
  • 2 parts tequila
  • 8 parts pineapple juice (optional)
  • 8 parts Sprite (optional)

Make sure you’re well prepared for any conferences you attend this week, Scorpio. In the past you’ve arrived with a flask of gin and Dr. Pepper and only barely managed to comport yourself. Afterwards when the meeting minutes got circulated, the whole thing seemed new to you—especially the bits with that clown who made all the asinine comments. The stars don’t insist on 100% sobriety for work; but they don’t want you to be totally embarrassed either, so find the right balance.

Sagittarius, your computer will act up this week; you’ll suspect a virus, and you’re actually due for one considering all the porn you’ve been downloading, but the real problem is your computer’s age. You don’t have the greatest head for troubleshooting, especially while lit up with vodka and vermouth. Try to resist the urge to throw the whole rig out the window, cinematic as that might be. Don’t shoot at it either. Just get some fresh air and/or more vodka.

No nitpicking for you this week, Capricorn. Examining things minutely only leads to misery and subverts decision making. Your intuition is a better guide than intense analysis. If you can’t inhibit your inner critic, dose it with tequila and peach schnapps. On another note entirely, try not to be jealous. Again, tequila will help.

Aquarius, you border on stalking when it comes to a certain Leo. Other people are noticing and becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your inappropriate behavior. What you need is a diversion. Find a big jug and fill it with 3 parts Malibu, 6 parts cognac, and 6 parts Jim Beam. This is a great way to forget about Leos, and anything else for that matter.

Pisces, a friend from old times will email this week with shocking news. Refrain from responding right away; you’re far too pickled in banana rum to be judging your friend. If you can’t resist hitting the “send” button, be prepared to fix a damaged relationship or even retract what you’ve said. All of which is typical for Pisces any week, regardless of celestial influence. But don’t say the stars didn’t try to help!

ASTROLIQUOR for February 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week offers you the chance to ditch a couple of people who’ve been bugging you. You could do a Facebook friend cull, which wouldn’t require any diplomacy, or you could behave like a typical Aries and pick a fight. Totally up to you. Meanwhile, mind your pennies, hit your boss up for a raise, and ignore anybody’s advice, no matter where it comes from (this space excepted). And if your boss says “Pack your things,” that’s the time to throw a punch. BTW, your drink is punch: Hawaiian Punch with Jack Daniel’s.

Taurus, your intuition is right on the money this week. In fact, people are asking you for advice. Now’s the time to start your own psychic counselling service. Did you know Sylvia Browne charges $850 a reading, and she thought Mitt Romney would win the U.S. election? Holy crap, you don’t even have to be right more than 50% of the time to make a shitload of money “helping” people—and the stars say you should do it! They also say you need a mint daiquiri, so get out the rum and Cointreau.

Always sociable, Gemini, you will have more than your share of interesting discussions this week—mostly about other people’s dirty laundry. Amazingly, no one is shocked by your sordid questions. (Are they all as loaded on Hennessey and peach schnapps as you?) You have a gift for looking someone right in the eye and asking, “Did you ever get that mole on your ass removed? It looked just like Rick Santorum.”

Cancer, the week starts with a financial windfall—possibly the Lotto Max jackpot or a massive prize home. As delighted as you’ll be, you’ll finally have to confront the question: “Now that I can buy as much alcohol as I want, whenever I want, and I don’t have to work for money, nor do I even have to leave my show home … will I just spend every day ripped out of my head?” You might want to dry out for a week and think about it. (Or not.)

Leo, your mind turns to sunshine and debauchery, which always calls for tropical blender drinks. As you frappé rum, pineapple juice, coconut cream, and a banana, you think of all sorts of raunchy ideas. Not about your partner, though, so it’ll be an interesting week. You may be thinking, Well, it’s fine for me because I don’t have a partner.  But the stars are not here to help you; they’re here to mess your shit up, so your raunchy ideas will be about animals or siblings.

Virgo, this is a good week for contacting people and reheating old friendships. You are coming across as less superficial and more trustworthy than usual. You feel a genuine urge to take care of others—but be careful if you’re buying rounds at the bar; too much generosity could empty your wallet. Better to invite a few good friends over for dinner champagne and vodka. Add some cranberry juice; the stars say you have a bladder infection.

Libra, you’ll be assailed by technical glitches this week. Expect trouble from your cell phone, tablet, iPod, vibrator—you name it. Be especially cautious about downloading porn; experts at LBHQ tell me that’s the numero uno way to catch a virus. If you have to spend all your money cleaning your computer (and that means the keyboard too—use a towel), you’ll have nothing left in your bar but vermouth (which you could drink with some bitters, but wouldn’t some gin be nice too?).

With a headful of Chardonnay, you’re not going to come up with any good answers this week, Scorpio. Ask friends for solutions to life’s problems. They may surprise you with their innovative thinking and/or just camp out at your house and finish your Southern Comfort. And the stars? They’re random as all hell for you: Write a long, rambling email to your oldest friend. Do not ride the bus at all between now and Valentine’s Day or you will certainly get involved with a weirdo.

Sagittarius, you’ll have the impulse to visit an old Leo friend—someone who tolerates you about once a year. Once upon a time you two hooked up, then things got weird for years, but now all is cool…at least unless you start slamming beers and 80-proof vodka together. Keep your drink total under, say, eight, and your meeting will be uneventful. BTW, the stars think you should go to the gym.

Professionalism continues to take a backseat, Capricorn, as you lash out at co-workers over a shared project. Try giving them some space instead of pushing your opinions. At the very least this will win you some respect for your maturity. At best you’ll get to take credit for the project without having done much work. Nice going! Spend your bonus on rum and triple sec.

Aquarius, traffic is out to get you this week. Don’t do any extra driving or deviate from your habitual route. Likewise, dark clouds are gathering at work. Keep a low profile; you’re good at being invisible when you need to be. There are nasty co-workers out to get you (OMG! The stars are paranoid!). All of which means you should save that big ol’ box of cheap white wine until AFTER you get safely home.

Pisces, invite your friends and family over for a nice home-cooked meal. FYI, this does not mean groundhog or raccoon or possum. Spend a little money to make a pleasant meal for your guests. Your generosity will thrill them and it will be good for you too. Who knows? Maybe they will show up with armloads of Jagermeister, rum, and DeKuyper Razzmatazz, making your outlay for supermarket ingredients a good investment.