5 scary ideas from the freaky mind of Martha Stewart

My Fellow Inebriates,

Like anyone with a shred of common sense, I am freaking terrified of Martha Stewart. Just one glimpse of her faux-smile-concealing-untold-depths-of-cruelty and I get the shakes. So it’s no surprise that Martha knows how to make some scary cocktails, even if she doesn’t know she isn’t exactly pulling off that haircut any more (that’s for my Nana, who pretty much digs Martha except for the ‘do).

Was she hardened by the Inside, or is Martha Stewart just that naturally spine-tingling? Check out some of her creations…

Sinister Cider Cocktail

You need some weird stuff to make this martini, including sanding sugar, whatever that is (is it edible?) plus an apple, if you haven’t crossed over into the liquids-only territory we true alcoholics inhabit.

Lychee and Grape Eyeball Martinis

Martha tells you how to make frightening garnishes, but leaves the martini itself up to us. Let’s mix a triple.

Black Lagoon Cocktail

OMG, some people say this is the stuff that courses through Martha’s veins. But, hey, with four ounces of vodka in it, who’s quibbling?

Swamp Sips

It’s slimy! It’s murky! It’s rimmed with file powder, whatever the hell that is. And it has tequila in it. Gimme that swamp mix.

Pina Ghoulada

This rum-based coconut-cream cocktail is designed to appeal to blood-drinking monsters. Martha specifies “good-quality rum.”

Okay. Okay. I, er…OMG, I LOVE Martha Stewart!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MARTHA STEWART!!! She totally rocks that hairstyle and, OMG, does she ever know how to mix a drink!

I would get hammered with Martha any day. Morning, midnight, whatever.

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12 responses to “5 scary ideas from the freaky mind of Martha Stewart”

  1. Christine says :

    I made a punch eons ago where i floated black grape and lychee eyeballs in cranberry and orange juice (really good imitation blood colour) for the kiddies and then us big kids could cut the sweetness with vodka…I didn’t get the idea from Martha though.

  2. dirtyrottenparenting says :

    I have to confess, I’ve been drooling over the cocktail section of the Halloween collectors mag by Martha for weeks! Over rum and cokes, cuz apparently I can’t cook, even at the bar.

    • liquorstorebear says :

      haahhahaahahaha, Martha may have a black heart but she knows her booze. She has 27 of those concoctions on her site. I stared at them for hours, or at least until the screensaver came on, and then I continued staring at that. I do a lot of staring.

      • dirtyrottenparenting says :

        I’m staring at stuff right now. Other people at starbucks, the flickering open sign at the Chinese Herb Shop across the street, and the guy in tights who is clearly having trouble figuring out how to put money in the parking metre. Staring is fun, especially with alcohol, too bad starbucks isn’t licensed.

  3. mylifeisthebestlife says :

    I want SO MANY of all of those.

  4. The Waiting says :

    True story: early in her domestic diva career, probably 35 years ago, MS was coming to my grandmother’s town for a speaking engagement at the Junior League. Guess who was selected to pick her up from the airport: my Mimi! Mimi was quite a piece of work herself but even she said that MS was pretty frigid. I guess it takes a frigid, Stalinist woman to make some mean cocktails.

    • liquorstorebear says :

      Wow, that is truly frightening. I think Martha gives Fluffy a run for his money. I’m going to pit them against each other very soon. Glad your Mimi lived to tell the tale.

  5. rochmanboulevard says :

    scary. my fingers started shhaking.

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