5 scary ideas from the freaky mind of Martha Stewart

My Fellow Inebriates,

Like anyone with a shred of common sense, I am freaking terrified of Martha Stewart. Just one glimpse of her faux-smile-concealing-untold-depths-of-cruelty and I get the shakes. So it’s no surprise that Martha knows how to make some scary cocktails, even if she doesn’t know she isn’t exactly pulling off that haircut any more (that’s for my Nana, who pretty much digs Martha except for the ‘do).

Was she hardened by the Inside, or is Martha Stewart just that naturally spine-tingling? Check out some of her creations…

Sinister Cider Cocktail

You need some weird stuff to make this martini, including sanding sugar, whatever that is (is it edible?) plus an apple, if you haven’t crossed over into the liquids-only territory we true alcoholics inhabit.

Lychee and Grape Eyeball Martinis

Martha tells you how to make frightening garnishes, but leaves the martini itself up to us. Let’s mix a triple.

Black Lagoon Cocktail

OMG, some people say this is the stuff that courses through Martha’s veins. But, hey, with four ounces of vodka in it, who’s quibbling?

Swamp Sips

It’s slimy! It’s murky! It’s rimmed with file powder, whatever the hell that is. And it has tequila in it. Gimme that swamp mix.

Pina Ghoulada

This rum-based coconut-cream cocktail is designed to appeal to blood-drinking monsters. Martha specifies “good-quality rum.”

Okay. Okay. I, er…OMG, I LOVE Martha Stewart!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MARTHA STEWART!!! She totally rocks that hairstyle and, OMG, does she ever know how to mix a drink!

I would get hammered with Martha any day. Morning, midnight, whatever.