My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, this week looks good for small-time betting. No big gambles, mind you! You wouldn’t want to blow your Christmas alcohol fund. By “small bets” the stars are referring to iffy drink concoctions such as the following:
- 6 beers
- 6 shots Irish cream
- 5 shots amaretto
- 5 shots Kahlua
- 1 tbsp vanilla extract (the real stuff, with alcohol)
- 1 shot Bacardi 151
You need a big jug for this. And a stat holiday the following day.
Taurus, you must resist spending money this week. Your tendency to buy things for the sake of ownership is resulting in hoarder-style furnishings and a pitiful liquor collection. Keep the purse strings tight until February (when you’ll win money). Until then, satisfy your urge to spend by purchasing the following items and sloshing them up together in your favorite vase. Yum!
- 3 oz tequila
- 6 oz orange vodka
- Juice of half a lemon
- 1/2 cup lemonade
- 2 cups Sunny D (a weird cocktail in and of itself)
Finance is golden this month, Gemini, with successes in real estate, investment planning, anything legal, and even home redecoration (what about a painting?) on a budget. Sounds like you’ll need a lot of energy! Luckily the stars are protecting you from the flu—but they’re still recommending that old-fashioned winter-ailment beverage: gingerale. Naturally you’ll need some rye with that.
Cancer, you’ll have trouble doing anything unsupervised this week. Find someone on your wavelength to help you with the basics—someone caring and nonjudgmental who’ll still love you when you’re hugging the toilet. If you can’t find someone like this, well…enjoy your Southern Comfort–cherry brandy bender. (Oh yeah, and the stars say there’s romance in your chart this week, but they have no idea how or when.)
Leo, you’ll suffer a bout of insecurity about your body, but this will pass quickly. Instead of dwelling on negatives, seek out luxuries such as massage/sauna treatments. Hang out with people who have weird physiques. Have a tropical-themed thong party. It’ll give you an excuse to make pina coladas.
If you’ve had a quarrel lately, Virgo, this is a perfect week to resolve it. Be true to yourself, though, or you’ll end up in an unsatisfactory compromise that’ll blow up later. You long to make new friends, especially ones with moustaches. Seek them out in bars and buy them rounds—they like to mix gin with gingerale and bitters.
Libra, a good friend with a get-rich-quick scheme is trying to rope you in. Your pal figures there’s a million bucks out there for the two of you, but so far he/she hasn’t even ponied up for drinks at the pub. Turn your attention to love instead of money; a Pisces, Taurus, or Leo will divert you thrillingly from ill-fated investments. And if they fail to focus you away from the dollar signs, remember—if you invest your money, you’ll never be able to afford these ingredients right now:
- 4 oz Jack Daniel’s
- 4 oz Jim Beam
- 4 oz Southern Comfort
- Coke to taste (I’m having “none”)
Another crazy weekend lies ahead, Scorpio, and as usual it won’t be over till Tuesday. You’ll return to reality with a hard thump—and a shitload of new work that won’t let up until the next wild weekend. Work hard so you can free yourself up! A lot of money is at stake, which means your liquor supply is under threat. Under siege during your weekends; under threat during the week! Just make sure you at least have some good gin and a reasonable vermouth.
Sagittarius, the stars are hedging their bets again, calling for either a loving relationship or a one-night stand on Saturday. (Stupid stars! How can they expect to maintain their astrological credibility?) You’ll be restless this week, but flexible and alert. Sounds a little too much like sobriety…have you run out of inventory? Even if all you have left is Cointreau or Razzmatazz, do it!
A good friend lets you down this week, Capricorn. Even though this alters your closeness, don’t give up entirely on the relationship. There’s a fair bit of blueberry schnapps and vodka involved in your friend’s lapse—something you can totally relate to. Nevertheless, the whole thing distracts you, leading to work screw-ups and your own vodka bender. If a third party offers to help, accept (especially if they have more vodka).
Aquarius, step up your efforts this week for greater success. Instead of leaning hard on colleagues, negotiate politely; be patient and diplomatic. Yes…this does translate into a dry-out week for you. Only by sobering up will you harness these mature social skills. Side-effect: you’ll notice all kinds of details about your workplace, including that person who has a crush on you. Sometimes plain lemonade’s not so bad.
Pisces, your philosophy that money isn’t important continues to dominate everything you do. This is great, because you still don’t have any money or job prospects. What you do have is a dwindling liquor cabinet…apple liqueur, anyone? Absinthe? But at least you’ll have a happy flirtation on Sunday, which will reaffirm the joys of freedom from a nine-to-five work week.