The 21 Christmas decorations your home needs, my fellow inebriates

OMG, my fellow inebriates, can you believe it? My parents have really let me down this season. I’m supposed to be commandeering Oprah’s Favorite Things, showing you how to make nasty liqueurs out of cheap Canadian whisky, and being the usual nuisance. But my parents SUCK, they really do. Supposedly there is just no time for poor little LB and his capsizing blog.

I’m practicing typing with my paws, but you know, it kind of looks like this:

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So….until the alcohol starts flowing again at LBHQ, here are some lovely ideas for making your holidays festive. Martha Stewart would envy this stuff, my fellow inebriates!

decorations

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Move over, Oprah! LB’s got some new favorite things too!

My Fellow Inebriates,

It’s that wonderful time of year when Oprah tells us her Favorite Things.

I don’t know about you, but every year I wait with bated breath to hear what new luxuries Oprah’s pushing. She may enjoy mashed potatoes more than she likes vodka, but Oprah knows a thing or two about sybaritic living. Naturally I’m going to hijack her annual merchandising love fest, plunder it for keywords and tags, borrow her unauthorized image, and share some things I’d like to give and receive this season. So without further ado…

Oddly enough, many people don’t possess a flask. What a great gift for that closet drinker at your office, that frustrated parent at the playground…or you? And there’s nothing like Montgomery Scott to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling about secretive drinking.

Star Trek flask from CBS Store, $26.95

 

The Apocalypse is a mere 25 days away, but you might want to hedge your bets and send out Christmas cards anyway.

Set of 10 “Obama O Come Let Us Adore Him” Nativity Cards by Dan Lacey, $20.00

 

And if that doesn’t remind you of the reason for the season, get your hairy mitts on a T-shirt from The Oatmeal.

Glow-in-the-dark Wookiee Jesus T-shirt from The Oatmeal, $18.99

 

For friends who don’t find Jell-O shots sufficiently harsh and enjoy an additional suggestion of illicit behavior, how about some syringe-shaped shots? Just squirt the shot into your mouth. Ahh!

EZ Inject Jell-O Shot Injectors, $32.95

 

For those friends who need a reminder where those shots will take them…

Toilet shot glasses, bringing you full circle from that moment someone said, “Hey, let’s do some shots!” $9.95

And for friends planning a visit to Walmart in hopes someone will snap a picture…

This festive plush Santa hat features three elastic holders for shots. You supply your own alcohol and crazed expression. $9.99

 

And for friends who are already featured among the People of Walmart

Redneck wine glass, $15.00

 

Typically on Christmas morning we’re so busy tearing open gifts that we forget about the stockings, and then we get some lovely little surprises. This item isn’t really for drinking, but it contains 62% alcohol, and most of us could use it now and then.

Maybe? $5.45

But as charming as stocking stuffers are, there’s nothing like a go-for-broke, over-the-top present under the tree.

Just fill the ingenious Margarita Mixed Drink Machine with liquor, juice, and mixer and it’ll produce 48 perfectly blended combinations. Hit the “I Feel Lucky” button and get a surprise! $299.00

 

Anybody would feel lucky to get such a wondrous machine, but yes, Virginia, there are still more rarefied objects of desire in the merchandising world. Does Oprah, I wonder, have this unusual item…?

Yes, my fellow inebriates, it’s the world’s strongest beer! Weighing in at 55% alcohol, and with each bottle lovingly nested inside a dead animal (stoat, squirrel, or rabbit), The End of History is “a perfect conceptual marriage between taxidermy, art and craft brewing.”
You know you want it people, and it’s just $765.

What a whirlwind of shopping! It must be so exhausting to be Oprah Winfrey. In fact, I have only enough energy to do it once a year. Cheers, my friends, and may you revel in these luxuries, whether choosing them for a loved one or wishing for them among your own holiday gifts. My fondest hopes go with you on your gift-buying forays.

♦ ♦ ♦

Move over, Oprah! LB’s “Favorite Things” are here!

My Fellow Inebriates,

It’s no secret that Oprah Winfrey likes bears, so I know she won’t mind if I hijack her annual much-anticipated “Favorite Things” for my own purposes.

Without further ado, an LB selection of favorite things for this gift-giving season:

PacMan wine charms. That little dude gobbles like there’s no tomorrow, so he’d probably make a good drunk too.

Brut Gold Champagne, Armand de Brignac. To quote Miss O herself: “Jay-Z has a head for business, a soul for poetry, and a taste for luxury. He sent me this glorious Champagne, and I’ve since sent 25 cases to friends.” OMG! How do I get to be friends with Oprah??

Lava Lamp Shot Glass Collection. Wow, the glasses light up when you pour liquid in them. The lights go out once the glasses are drained. Good reason to keep filling ‘em.

Houdini Automatic Wine Opener. Yes, yes, YES!!! For my ever-defeated, pathetically thumbless paws, this is a long-sought-after boon. For obvious reasons my parents will ban it from the house, but…ahh. You just press the button and it pulls the cork out for you. When it’s not doing waiter duty, it recharges.

Whiskey Stones. The perfect way to keep your scotch cold without diluting it or imparting additional flavor. Chill these Vermont-milled stones in the freezer, put them in your rock glass and pour. Remember not to crunch them.

Hakutsuru Premium Sake Selection Gift Pack. There’s more to sake than heating it up and slamming it before the taste comes through. These premium sippers are lovely enough to savor cold.

Jezebel wine bottles. Take these to the U-Vin next time you whip up a batch of cheap plonk. Six weeks later, when you’re stuck with 80 bottles of barely drinkable vino, you’ll at least be able to enjoy the different colors.

Liquor Bottle Christmas Ornaments. OMG, why don’t we have these on our tree?? My parents tell me it’s because the kids would be running around with them. Sigh.

Liquor Bottle Nightlights. I get scared at night just like anybody, especially when I start thinking about zombies coming to get our chardonnay. If I had a booze nightlight I wouldn’t have to grind up against other, unwilling bears when I get frightened at night.

Dan Lacey's Susan Boyle and Cat Duet

And lastly, a wish for art. Sadly, this painting has been auctioned off on ebay, but I can dream.